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When is the appropriate time to purchase pygmy marmosets? I’ve been waiting for over thirty years.

Alright so I just Adam Carolla’d up my web site. Too much? I don’t want to be that asshole who’s running around saying, “LOOK AT ME, I’M ON THE ADAM CAROLLA SHOW!” however I received an email saying, “You should update your website,” and it was followed by a smiley. It looked like this: “You should update your website :)” and I’d be remiss if I just ignored it, smileyface and all.

In other news I think I just swallowed a bug. It was in my coffee. It may have just been some other type of non-insect clump. I really hope so.

with Anderson and Bald Bryan on The Film Vault

Also, I was on The Film vault and we talked chick flicks.

Also, did you hear the episodes of the ACS podcast I was on with Joel Stein and Patton Oswalt?

Also, just wanted to say also one more time.

But also last night I went to a party for the ACE network and I came home feeling so happy and lucky to be a part of this thing.

I brought Dustin, my friend who’s just a friend but whom no one thinks is just a friend. “Are you a car guy?” asked Adam. Dustin choked out some kind of star struck answer (sorry Dustin) involving the words “no” and “Sentra.” Then Adam said in a matter-of-fact tone, “Yeah, Alison wouldn’t like a car guy.” I don’t know what this means but I resent it highly and now I’m going to have to date ALL the car guys.

I covet the sombrero.

Last night’s Adam Carolla show was really fun even if the above thing kind of scares me owing to bozophobia (fear of clowns) which I’ve discussed on this blog but which is actually anthropofauxphobia, or fear of fake people which is another entirely made-up umbrella term which includes fear of dolls and mannequins and masks and whatnot.

It’s actually lessened in my old age and once I spent the night at a friend’s mom’s house in her doll room and didn’t even scream!

So I don’t want to give away too much of my own internal stuff especially since I know all about the “more mystery less history” credo but I will say that the Jan 5 show felt much better for me than the Jan 4 show because I think I was holding a lot of dos and donts in my head and just overthinking everything. Not to mention just getting warmed up and comfortable and finding my place. It occurs to me that if I don’t get the gig after writing this I will probably look like a giant asswipe for parsing it in this manner. And for using the word parse.

Anyway, last night felt effortless and was so much fun and the time zipped by.

Owing to all the fonduzzi and masturbation talk, there wasn’t much time to get to all the news. Also because I couldn’t shut up about rock tumblers and geodes.

Collecting dust for the past 25 or so years. I plan to use it any day now.

But we did discuss Snooki’s Hemingwayesque prose and Alec Baldwin’s potential political run. I also briefly touched on this iPhone alarm problem and Bald Bryan tried to be a one-upper by mentioning this. Good thing I ferociously called  him on it.

And Adam asked me if I would hook up with The Bieber but I thought he said The Beaver. Yes on both counts.

Rumored to be hooking up with Selena Gomez

Go here to listen and read more.

I’ll be doing the news and making random fart noises (note: no fart noises) on Adam Carolla’s podcast this week. I had a great time returning to the show last night and accidentally insulting TJ Miller. And for what it’s worth, I would never have a hot pink bathroom. Not even if it increased self-expansion or got me kicked out of a nursing program or sent me lewd texts. I’m just sayin’.

Go here to read more and to listen.

Is it too early for me to gripe? I don’t think so: Is there anything more annoying than when you’re trying to concentrate and someone tries to talk to you? Whenever I’m at the computer I feel like I’m trying to remember a number of things which may just be the effect of tabbed browsing and also my super high powered lightning quick brain (which can’t retain much) and then now that I’m living with eight hundred other human beings someone will come by and say hi in a very normal nice way and I will try my hardest to eke out the tiniest hello without losing whatever I’m trying to remember and without making them feel like an asshole for being friendly. Maybe I should do what everyone used to do at the magazine I worked for? Wear earphones that weren’t plugged in and greet any sort of intrusion with ferocious bitchiness? It’s a particular problem when trying to write any sort of blog post. Unlike writing a story or anything in a word document which feels linear in a way, writing a blog post always involves the feeling of juggling a bunch of balls. I don’t know why. That is all.

It’s 11:08 am in CA on December 30. As I tweeted this morning, it’s New Year’s Eve Eve and not too early to begin counting down if you start with a gigantic number or count really slowly. Anyway, I’m going to liveblog the remaining moments of 2010 because a meaningful life isn’t about places or things, it’s about people. In this case I mean me.

11:12 Took a shower.

11:16 Just sent a text message.

11:17  I probably could have said, “Just sent a text,” and you’d know what I mean but I clarified because I don’t want you to think I sent a text book.

11:20 Sent someone a text book.

11:23 Getting ready to blow dry my hair. Sometimes it takes me a little while to get to it. In the New Year I will compress the time in between showering and blow drying so that eventually I am blow drying in the shower.

11:25 Blow drying in the shower! What a brilliant time saver! I probably should have been an inventor of some sort.

11:28 Still haven’t begun blow drying.

11:29 If I were an inventor I bet I’d get a lot of questions about being a female inventor and whether I faced discrimination and if it was tough coming up in the inventor world without female role models.

11:30 My role model was Geppetto.

2:23 Just sent an email.

2:23.5 It stands for “electronic mail.” Duh.

2:24 I should probably do some things since I have things I need to do  however I just sent a message to a couple friends saying we have 32 hours to come up with NYE plans which is not only enough time to come up with plans it’s also enough time to murder someone, if this were a movie involving a caper resulting in murder. One friend responded that if they just murder me then they don’t  have to find plans. I feel loved.

2:28 How did I arrive at 32 hours you’re wondering? I used an abacus.

2:30 “abacus” made me think of “albatross” which I wanted to share with you since we’re sharing things.

2:31 Don’t touch that!

3:23 Just went diving into some of the boxes I brought out from New York in a vain attempt to find some makeup I know I packed. Now I just feel worn out and frustrated. How am I supposed to dress up like a cat tomorrow night if I can’t find my makeup? 2011 is going to suck.

7:46 My friend recanted his plan to murder me which I really hope isn’t some fancy way of throwing me off the trail. I hate a surprise New Year’s murder. Also, I forgot to update this liveblog while I was out. That’s kind of friend I am—terrible and flaky.

7:51 While I was out flaking on you and this blog I bought some mushroom boots. Not special boots shaped like mushrooms but boots in a color described as “mushroom” which, when you think about it, is kind of gross. (I know because I already thought about it.) Also I went to Nordstrom’s Rack. Know what the best thing about Nordstrom’s Rack is? Leaving.

7:53 I’m a little sniffly. And this is going on.

8:05 I almost bought a dress at Nordstrom’s Rack without trying it on because I wanted so badly to get out of there but then I decided to just try it on and it’s a good thing I did because it looked ridiculous! It totally brought out the weird bump near my eye. Did I say bump? Bumps. Like as if a set of breasts are growing near my eye. Eye nipples.

8:07 I’m exaggerating. I’m not sprouting ocular nipples.

8:07 Of course, that’s exactly what a person sprouting ocular nipples would say, is it not?

8:07 Oh! I forgot to tell you that for Xmas (suck it, people who have a problem with me spelling it Xmas) my mom got me one of those doodleybobs (not their real name) that lets you listen to your iPod in your car over the FM transmitter. Or something like that. Well anyway this doodleybob doesn’t work well at all and you’d be surprised at the way listening to intermittent static with moments of incomprehensible voices in it isn’t relaxing.

8:13 NOT RELAXING AT ALL!

8:14 Uh oh, my eyes are lactating.

****************************************************************

9:36AM New Year’s Eve! I’m up and I’ve already had a cup of Spicy Eggnog flavored coffee and already made a phone call. I am seriously getting shit done. (Shit = calling Costco and looking something up on the internet)

9:38 thinking about going on a walk

9:39 I think I should call Koryn. I haven’t actually spoken to her on the phone since I left New York. Can you believe that? I can’t. Time has been all weird and jiggly since I moved here.

9:40 The above is not a reference to Dali.

9:54 Is there a way to scroll through old MySpace blogs without actually having to see each and every blog entry? Years ago I recapped a number of New Year’s Eves and I’m trying to find the blog post now but it’s taking forever because I keep having to hit the “more” tab and go through every single blog post I ever wrote over there. Damn you, MySpace, and your terrible navigation with the possible caveat that I am missing some obvious way to do this quickly!

1:11 pm Got back from taking a long walk. At one point I went into a store and was offered champagne. Who are the people who accept champagne while on a walk before noon?

1:12 On this walk I discussed New Year’s Eve with a friend and told him, “You are my first choice… and my last resort.” Then I was thinking my sister should incorporate that into her vows and then I thought more about it and realized it’s the kind of thing which sounds nice coming out of your mouth but probably doesn’t feel so great if you’re on the receiving end of it.

1:13 I found it! I found the MySpace post I was looking for!

Stroke of midnight (written on Dec. 27, 2004)

I used to place a lot of importance on New Years Eve just as I used to place a lot of importance on birthdays and Christmas and, I guess that’s it. Now that I’ve reached the advanced age of OLD I realize that none of it really matters anyway, not in a nihilistic way but just in the sense that time goes so fast and if one holiday sucks there’s another right behind. So but last night I was trying to recall where I was for new years as far back as I can remember. To wit: 2003/2004: At a tv-comedy-writer-nerd party. There was fondue. I smoked pot with a guy who’d fallen through a glass coffee table and had enriched the story with all the drama and pathos possible. Everyone knew he’d worked and reworked the story down into a routine basically, filled with blood and 911 and near-death, and so I had to hear it for myself. I later saw him on McEnroe. He bombed. I’m sorry, guy. At the stroke of midnight I gingerly kissed my date and then later called the other guy I was dating who I liked better. The New Years date was the one who I thought I should like and the other guy was the one I wished I didn’t like. And it was early enough that it was cool that I was dating two people so quit judging me, you. 2002/2003: In the bathroom. Seriously. At my friend’s surprisingly huge East Village apartment with roof access. I heard the countdown and thought about trying to get out there to find my date but making my way through the throng of people to find him, and he wasn’t the tallest guy, would have been impossible. So I leisurely put on lip gloss. 2001/2002: Detroit and then La Cave and then a misunderstanding where a guy thought he was going to bamboozle my roommate and me into a threesome. We’re unbamboozleable. And even if we weren’t, offering to let us peel his sunburn wasn’t going to cue up the bump and grind soundtrack anyway, if you know what I mean. Which you do. Yuck. 2000/2001: At an overpriced frat-boy overrun karaoke parlor in the East Village. It wasn’t fun. 1999/2000: Costa Mesa party at our drummer’s house and then funny but embarrassing shenanigans which shall go unsaid since you don’t know me well enough to be able to put them in the proper context. Suffice it to say, it was Y2Krazee! 1998/1999: Was this the year I went to a party at our drummer’s house again with the smooth-yet-kinda-sociopathic hacker? And then a party in Seal Beach? Rob? Mike? Was that 98/99? 1997/1998: Torribio’s famous New Year’s Eve party, I think. But hazy, so hazy. To Be Continued: upcoming years include wrapping my car around a post, watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and indecision.

6:00pm I ran some errands and now I’m back and totally ready to hit the town if I don’t fall asleep which I very well might. And the thing is I convinced my friends that we HAVE TO do something tonight. I’m that kind of asshole. I feel like I’ve been this kind of asshole before. Also I feel kind of bad about the 2003/2004 New Year’s in the above blog post especially since the guy and I are still in touch and he’s moved on and then some and I feel like I let a good one get away. What am I even saying? I don’t know, it’s the wild cherry flavored water talking. I should probably take a shower. Every day this shower bullshit comes up!

6:37 I just got out of the shower and while I was in the shower I was thinking back on this past year and how I want to thank all the awesome viewers of my show and all the people I’ve come to feel like I know through the internet and then I was thinking I wanted to just name some people but then I was worried I’d leave someone out and so perhaps I shouldn’t name people but all you special people know who you are and I want to thank you so much for everything.

10:09 Happy New Year! I’m headed out but I’ll probably keep updating so check my twitter if you need more me, which you certainly do! See you next year! (Or in a little while!)