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Drug book excerpt

In addition to writing a faux pregnancy memoir, I’m also tackling an addiction memoir. Here is an excerpt. I’m hoping for a blurb from Dr. Drew.

The year was 1977. By day I was Susan, a mild-mannered good girl. By night I was Suze, a sensual party machine who loved to dance and was addicted to drugs. One night I couldn’t reach my dealer so I hit the streets.

“Hey girly girly, you looking for party favors,” asked a gangmember.

“No,” I responded all cool like, “I’m looking for drugs.”

A little while later I was in a cab headed uptown with a pocket full of the best friends a girl like me could have. It was all there, everything I craved: Cocaine, crack cocaine, heroin, ludes, bennies, acetominophin, PCP, space cakes from Amsterdam, pot brownies, pot cookies, marijuana, puff, spliff, smoke, hash, hashish, White Out for huffing, whippets, nutmeg, banana peels, Robitussin, Robitussin cold gels, speed, crystal meth, crank, MDMA and other designer drugs, ice, mushrooms, magic mushrooms and lysergic acid, commonly known as LSD.

The drugs kicked in as we were pulling out of Del Taco.

Potential titles for this tome include:

This Halfway House is Not a Home

Have We Met Before? [cover art is me looking in the mirror]

They Tried to Make Me Go to Prehab but I Said No No No

My Drug of Choice is More

People, Places, Things and Drugs

With Drugs Like These, Who Needs Friends?

If You Can’t Stand the Heat Get Out of the Meth Lab

Are You There Drugs, It’s Me Drugs?

Crush, Snort, Repeat

I, Klonopin

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Some recent pictures of me with my famous celebrity boyfriends

First of all I want to say that I wrote a long blog post, I mean it was looooooooong, about my various feelings about this and that but mostly about my  recent decision to no longer read stuff about myself on the internet because it’s just getting inside my head and doing a fucked up kind of dance. What kind of fucked up dance, you are wondering? It’s sort of a cross between the sprinkler and the running man but with less rhythm and more self doubt. Also I suppose there might have been some anger in the blog post. But then I decided not to post it because feelings are so grody!

Anyway, care to see some photos of me with my famous celebrity boyfriends? (note: no actual boyfriends in these photos)

Here I am with my boyfriend Jon Lovitz. We broke up right after the photo was taken.

Here I am with my boyfriends Doug Benson and Bill Burr and also my hairtenna. You can see from the expression on their faces that things were already tense.

Here I am with my boyfriends Bald Bryan, Doug Benson and Bill Burr. This is when we’d already broken up but were pretending to be together for the children. I was opposed to it. “My heart is not an actor!” I announced, while doing yoga. “You go ahead and cheapen yourself with this performance,” I spat, “It wouldn’t be the first time!” My words dripped with sarcasm and beef jerky (I was hungry). Then they offered me a large sum of money to go along with it so I said okay.

Some things to click? Okay!

Watch the Ustream video of The Adam Carolla live podcast taping at Lovitz Comedy Club (Lovitz was the guest)

And listen to the Adam Carolla Podcast!

And listen to Bald Bryan, Bill Burr and me on the 4/15 episode of Doug Benson‘s Doug Loves Movies podcast

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The great fruit debate

We recently got into a bit of a disagreement on the podcast because I said peanuts in a nut mix were the equivalent of peaches in a fruit cocktail. Both Adam and Bryan corrected me and said I meant pears. I said I thought pears and peaches were kind of neck-and-neck. This didn’t go over well.

Evidently everyone knows pears are total bullshit.

Well the sun may have set on that particular episode but the debate has moved over to twitter.

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