I felt somewhat deeply uncool standing in front of this and taking a photo of it but I did it anyway. Also, they spelled Bryan’s name wrong but spelled mine correctly. He should prob just change the spelling of his name.
After the Adam Carolla Show vlog 4/10/11
Another excerpt from my fake pregnancy memoir
Excerpt from What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting, Chapter 2: Mercury in Retrograde (and also in sushi)
Last night I was really looking forward to meeting the gals for some much needed gal time. That was before I knew they wanted to meet for sushi though. SUSHI?!?!?! Oh, I could just see it:
“And what will the obviously very pregnant lady have?”
“I’ll have the spicy deformed baby roll with the cleft palate dipping sauce.”
I don’t think so! What’s next, a raw cheese course followed by formaldehyde shots and thalidomide chasers? I didn’t make a big deal of it though, I just nibbled on my edamame (unsalted, please, and keep it coming) and drank my sparkling water. I couldn’t fault my single friends. It wasn’t that long ago that I, too, was selfish and only lived for myself.
But when you’re super pregnant, if you have friends who are willing to be seen in public with you, grab on to them and never let go! Table for six? More like table for 8 if you count my cankles! And seriously, why the weight gain? I mean, I know it’s nature’s way of keeping men away so you don’t get pregnant when you’re already pregnant and end up like my slutty friend Carol who had triplets, one of whom is Asian, but couldn’t you just give me frizzy hair instead? Oh wait, looks like you already did! Trimester? More like try to do anything with this hair, LOL!!!!!!
Upcoming chapters include:
“Don’t piss on my leg and tell me my water broke”
“What’s a mucus plug and where’s the outlet?”
“My ankles are too fat to kickbox with God”
After the Adam Carolla Show vlog 4/7/11
This is not a vlog but love it anyway, won't you?
Okay so I didn’t record a vlog after tonight’s show but I did this teaser video at the studio tonight so that’s almost the same, right?
After the Adam Carolla Show Vlog 4/5/11
After the Adam Carolla Show vlog 4/4/11
What I'd Expect if I Were Expecting excerpt, Ch. 1
I’ve been reading excerpts of my faux pregnancy memoir, What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting on The Adam Carolla Show. The idea grew out of an on air discussion we were having about how the best time to write a memoir would be before the event you’re recalling, because that’s when you really have the time to knock out a book.
Due to the popularity of WIEIIWE, I’m now also working on my addiction/recovery memoir since there’s that old adage in publishing that you have your whole life to write your first book and only a year or two to write your second. Frankly there’s no way I can squeeze a lifetime of imaginary drug abuse into only a couple years.
A lot of people have asked if there’s a place they can go to read these excerpts. The short answer at this point is No. The long answer is Noooooooooooooo. But I’ve decided to put a few of them on my blog. Here is the first one:
Excerpt from What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting, Chapter 1: Could I Be Pregnant?
…After months and months of not getting my period and being all fat, I began to wonder, could I be pregnant? It was the last thing I expected——me??? pregnant???— but the signs were all there. Unprotected sex some months before? Check. Morning sickness? Try morning, afternoon and evening sickness! Weird cravings? I’d eaten a pencil and two dry erase boards only moments before. My doctor pointing out the fetal heart rate on the fetal heart rate monitor? I made a mental note to pick up a pregnancy test on my way home from the bar…
Upcoming chapters include:
“What’s Up With My Areolas?”
“I Hope They Serve Ice Chips In Hell”
“What Do You Mean I Can’t Give Birth Underwater Surrounded By Dolphins?”
Help me interact with my boss
When Adam arrives at the studio to record the podcast he usually walks through the door, ear bud in ear and phone in hand and makes a beeline for either the table (where, if he’s not still on a call he puts his phone) or the coffeemaker. On the way he issues his standard greeting: “What’s goin’ on?” This is delivered while he’s on the move–at a ratio of about two What’s Goin’ Ons per every three people– and it’s a very low maintenance kind of greeting neither requiring nor prohibiting a response.
The problem comes when I am the only person in the general direction of said, “What’s goin’ on?” which for whatever reason I often am, probably because I’m usually loitering somewhere between the table and the coffeemaker. And though I want to respond, to indicate that I am a friendly human being and not some weird frigid mannequin, I just never quite eke out a reply in time. It’s as if this is conversational double dutch jump rope and the rope keeps going by and I just stand there watching and telling myself I’m about to jump in. Or as if I’m trying to mount a conversational escalator and I keep extending and then pulling my foot away at the last minute.
Anyway, here’s what happens: He says WGO at which point I find myself either 1) pretending I didn’t hear while fixing my face into an awkward constipated looking half smile to indicate I’m fun-loving 2) looking askance and mumbling something which sounds like the beginning of an answer but which quickly morphs into something more like, “Humph! Mlerfff… [trails into indecipherable hissing sound]” or 3) jumping up and licking his face.
I’m tired of being cliche though! And so I ask you: What is the appropriate response to a semi-asked What’s Goin’ On? Mind you, this WGO is not the same as someone looking at you and saying, “Hey, how was your weekend?” which wouldn’t require any sort of assessment of whether they actually want a response. WGO is in between rhetorical and interrogative. It’s less than a, “How was your weekend?” and more than a “‘sup.” And yet to not answer at all makes me feel like I’m in a never-ending game of hide-and-seek and I’m the one hiding and the other person is just counting to infinity.
I mentioned this to a couple people at the studio last week, because that’s the kind of person I am, and Bald Bryan suggested the best answer is, “That is none of your business.” I do like its undeniable sassiness, however I worry it’s HIS answer and if I start using it Adam will know we sidekicks are organizing. (We’re forming Sidekicks Local 453. Don’t fuck with us.)
Matt who works on CarCast suggested the appropriate answer might be, “Stuff,” which is also good.
What’s goin’ on?
Stuff.
I do like it. But I think we can do better. Here are some options and then you tell me what you think I should go with (suggestions welcome)
Possible responses to, “What’s goin’ on?”
1) “What a week!” (downside: can only be used at end of week)
2) “What a weekend!” (downside: can only be used at beginning of week; could be met with a follow up question about the weekend, something probing like, “Really, what did you do?” and then where does that leave me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
3) “What IS goin’ on?” (downside: I don’t see one)
4) “Exactly.” (downside: it really makes no sense)
5) “Hey, how are you?” (downside: extremely friendly and genuine. Blech!)
6) “Same shit, different day.” (downside: depressingly honest)
7) “Easy Pickles.”
Here's why I'm single
Because we’re doing the Tournament of Rosen on the show, there’s a renewed interest in why it is I’m single. Instead of explaining over and over again I refer you to this.