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And flags, I should have said…

Hey everyone! I love your hat. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello since it’s been so long since we’ve all hung out together and by that I mean it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything. Part of it is that I spent the weekend in a valley that time and pesticide forgot for my sister’s wedding. Here is a photo of my mom and me coated in makeup.

By the way, if you want to hear some hilarious jokes made by my family members, wear a wreath of flowers on your head for a wedding. My brother said I looked like Amy Winehouse (because there was a pouf of hair in the back which you can’t see in the photo) and my dad asked when I was being crucified which I didn’t even get at the time until I realized he was suggesting it was a crown of thorns. I’m pretty sure there were other unfunny jokes as well.

I thought of vlogging during the wedding but couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like it wouldn’t be a fair use of my time and what if I missed another HILARIOUS floral wreath comment? You can see the quandary.

Also, I made a speech and everyone cried and also I cried and then people kept coming up to me after and saying “YOUR SPEECH….” and then they’d trail off. I would fill in the comment with “was amazing” or “was something I would like a copy of” or “should win an award for Best Speech Given By An Older Sister at a Wedding” (a “nupty”)  however I told my friend Trevor all this and he said maybe they weren’t finishing the thought because I’d traumatized them with my poignant prose. Actually, he didn’t even say the last part. He just said I’d traumatized them. I think it was a compliment.

Here’s Trevor and my sister and me after I made everyone cry.

But also part of the reason I didn’t vlog or blog was because my web site was down which surely you are aware of because you tried to go to it and when you discovered it was down you felt a despair unlike anything you’d felt before but probably not dissimilar to how people felt upon hearing my speech.

Another photo? If you insist.

Here I am wearing a coat because it was freezing:

And here’s a photo of the wedding. I was in charge of dealing with the train of the dress which is kind of a big deal but I didn’t let it go to my head. Also, I fear I didn’t do a great job because while the vows were happening I really wanted to get up and fix my previous shoddy train placement but I didn’t. And then when my sister was about to walk back down the aisle after the ceremony and after I gave her the bouquet (I was also on bouquet duty. Don’t be intimidated.) then I realized she was standing on the dress so I tried to pull it out from under her feet but she wasn’t budging so I did what I had to do, whacked her in the shins until she lifted her feet. I’m pretty sure it’s what Pippa Middleton would have done as well.

The end.

First of all I want to say that I wrote a long blog post, I mean it was looooooooong, about my various feelings about this and that but mostly about my  recent decision to no longer read stuff about myself on the internet because it’s just getting inside my head and doing a fucked up kind of dance. What kind of fucked up dance, you are wondering? It’s sort of a cross between the sprinkler and the running man but with less rhythm and more self doubt. Also I suppose there might have been some anger in the blog post. But then I decided not to post it because feelings are so grody!

Anyway, care to see some photos of me with my famous celebrity boyfriends? (note: no actual boyfriends in these photos)

Here I am with my boyfriend Jon Lovitz. We broke up right after the photo was taken.

Here I am with my boyfriends Doug Benson and Bill Burr and also my hairtenna. You can see from the expression on their faces that things were already tense.

Here I am with my boyfriends Bald Bryan, Doug Benson and Bill Burr. This is when we’d already broken up but were pretending to be together for the children. I was opposed to it. “My heart is not an actor!” I announced, while doing yoga. “You go ahead and cheapen yourself with this performance,” I spat, “It wouldn’t be the first time!” My words dripped with sarcasm and beef jerky (I was hungry). Then they offered me a large sum of money to go along with it so I said okay.

Some things to click? Okay!

Watch the Ustream video of The Adam Carolla live podcast taping at Lovitz Comedy Club (Lovitz was the guest)

And listen to the Adam Carolla Podcast!

And listen to Bald Bryan, Bill Burr and me on the 4/15 episode of Doug Benson‘s Doug Loves Movies podcast

We recently got into a bit of a disagreement on the podcast because I said peanuts in a nut mix were the equivalent of peaches in a fruit cocktail. Both Adam and Bryan corrected me and said I meant pears. I said I thought pears and peaches were kind of neck-and-neck. This didn’t go over well.

Evidently everyone knows pears are total bullshit.

Well the sun may have set on that particular episode but the debate has moved over to twitter.

I felt somewhat deeply uncool standing in front of this and taking a photo of it but I did it anyway. Also, they spelled Bryan’s name wrong but spelled mine correctly. He should prob just change the spelling of his name.

When Adam arrives at the studio to record the podcast he usually walks through the door, ear bud in ear and phone in hand and makes a beeline for either the table (where, if he’s not still on a call he puts his phone) or the coffeemaker. On the way he issues his standard greeting: “What’s goin’ on?” This is delivered while he’s on the move–at a ratio of about two What’s Goin’ Ons per every three people– and it’s a very low maintenance kind of greeting neither requiring nor prohibiting a response.

The problem comes when I am the only person in the general direction of said, “What’s goin’ on?” which for whatever reason I often am, probably because I’m usually loitering somewhere between the table and the coffeemaker. And though I want to respond, to indicate that I am a friendly human being and not some weird frigid mannequin, I just never quite eke out a reply in time. It’s as if this is conversational double dutch jump rope and the rope keeps going by and I just stand there watching and telling myself I’m about to jump in. Or as if I’m trying to mount a conversational escalator and I keep extending and then pulling my foot away at the last minute.

Anyway, here’s what happens: He says WGO at which point I find myself either 1)  pretending I didn’t hear while fixing my face into an awkward constipated looking half smile to indicate I’m fun-loving 2) looking askance and mumbling something which sounds like the beginning of an answer but which quickly morphs into something more like, “Humph! Mlerfff… [trails into indecipherable hissing sound]” or 3) jumping up and licking his face.

I’m tired of being cliche though! And so I ask you: What is the appropriate response to a semi-asked What’s Goin’ On? Mind you, this WGO is not the same as someone looking at you and saying, “Hey, how was your weekend?” which wouldn’t require any sort of assessment of whether they actually want a response. WGO is in between rhetorical and interrogative. It’s less than a, “How was your weekend?” and more than a “‘sup.” And yet to not answer at all makes me feel like I’m in a never-ending game of hide-and-seek and I’m the one hiding and the other person is just counting to infinity.

I mentioned this to a couple people at the studio last week, because that’s the kind of person I am, and Bald Bryan suggested the best answer is, “That is none of your business.” I do like its undeniable sassiness, however I worry it’s HIS answer and if I start using it Adam will know we sidekicks are organizing. (We’re forming Sidekicks Local 453. Don’t fuck with us.)

Matt who works on CarCast suggested the appropriate answer might be, “Stuff,” which is also good.

What’s goin’ on?

Stuff.

I do like it. But I think we can do better. Here are some options and then you tell me what you think I should go with (suggestions welcome)

Possible responses to, “What’s goin’ on?”

1) “What a week!” (downside: can only be used at end of week)

2) “What a weekend!” (downside: can only be used at beginning of week; could be met with a follow up question about the weekend, something probing like, “Really, what did you do?” and then where does that leave me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

3) “What IS goin’ on?” (downside: I don’t see one)

4) “Exactly.” (downside: it really makes no sense)

5) “Hey, how are you?” (downside: extremely friendly and genuine. Blech!)

6) “Same shit, different day.” (downside: depressingly honest)

7) “Easy Pickles.”