My boyfriend is a film nerd and as such he is always asking me if I’ve seen certain movies and then shaking his head and wondering why he asks when I inevitably tell him I haven’t. It’s not that I don’t like movies, it’s just that I don’t see very many of them and there are huge gaps in my viewing history. Look, you don’t get to be the kind of person who’s seen everyone episode of Facts of Life without sacrificing something and for me that was 1) seeing movies 2) a social life.

Actually it’s more like this: I have trouble voluntarily offering up two hours of my attention. I might need those two hours to think about something gnawing away at me or check twitter. It might be a control thing. I like to be able to control the flow of stimulation into my brain. And so then you’re probably thinking, fine, just watch movies at home, and sometimes I do but it’s just not the same.

All of that is beside the point though. The point is that every time we uncover another movie I haven’t seen we add it to the list of movies we will watch during our Movie Marathon. At this point the list is so long that if I plan to have children I better start watching five years ago.

And so occasionally I feel guilty if I watch a movie I’ve already seen or a movie which I know, going in, is a piece of crap. Not guilty because I demand better art for my eyeballs–they know the difference between quality and pablum, they just don’t seem to give enough of a fuck–but because it’s sort of akin to having 600 pounds of caviar in your freezer and deciding to eat plain ketchup instead. Or sardines. Or maybe some leftover wings. Or broken Triscuits. Or a Nerds Rope. I’ve spent too long on this analogy. Anyone?

For this reason we must never tell him that last night I watched this: