Would you rather be….

a) transcribing
b) imbibing
c) climbing (with a cold)
d) vibe-ing someone
e) hibe-ing (it’s how the cool bears say hibernating)
f) flybe-ing (it’s how the cool baseball players refer to catching fly balls)
g) tribe-ing (just, you know, kickin’ it with your tribe)

Take the other pop quiz here

Ok, if you had to be a monger would you rather be a:

a) hate monger

b) fear monger

c) fish monger

d) rumor monger

e) bongo monger (someone who spreads bongos, obviously!)

f) cookie monger

g) high five monger

h) swim goggle monger

i) poodle  monger

j) paddle tennis monger

k) whole grain monger

l) grout and tile monger

m) mustard monger

If I were a hot single insect looking to enjoy some randy bug on bug action before my inevitable death later that evening, I’d get my tiny segmented ass to Brooklyn because from what I can tell, it’s a real meat market for bugs around here. I mean, there are more bugs than strollers in Brooklyn right now, and that’s saying a lot.

In other news, I received something call Splenda Mist—which I purchased on eBay—in the mail a couple days ago. It looks like a small asthma inhaler filled with liquid Splenda. I’m kind of worried about what it means that my Splenda habit is escalating and taking different forms (started with packets, moved on to granular then tablets and now mist). Before long I won’t be content to wait for it to pass into my system via my stomach and will  need a more direct route to my bloodstream. Should Splenda come out with Splenda Poppers I’d surely be on board. From there it’s just a short skip to smoking it in rock form and ultimately injecting it. By that point I’ll be a prostitute though—I’m not sure why, it’s just how I see it playing out—and  I’ll only wear one color: Splenda yellow. Also I’ll live in a Splenda yellow house, which will make me angry all the time. I’ll be an angry whore who’s addicted to Splenda. I can’t wait!

In the meantime I’m loving the Splenda Mist though. Earlier I sprayed it on mustard and ate it plain and I only wish I were joking.

Speaking of disgusting foodstuffs, my sister convinced me to mix raspberry sugar-free jello and lemon sugar-free jello because “raspberry lemonade is really good” and the first couple bites were okay but the last 48 were unpleasant—and I think I’m realizing that I need to keep the citrus out of my jello. In fact, I have half a mind to go throw open my cupboard doors and yell “get out of my jello!” to the citrus flavors that are in there. I also want to yell it into the phone. Also every time I type yell I accidentally type yello. It’s the jello-ification of my mind.

Also last night I dragged Dustin to a party for Bill and Andy from Red Eye’s bdays and filmed us in the cab on the way home which I need to put into a Daily Alison episode and upload. So don’t think I’ve forgotten about you because I haven’t. It’s just that Splenda has become my main focus.