If I were a hot single insect looking to enjoy some randy bug on bug action before my inevitable death later that evening, I’d get my tiny segmented ass to Brooklyn because from what I can tell, it’s a real meat market for bugs around here. I mean, there are more bugs than strollers in Brooklyn right now, and that’s saying a lot.
In other news, I received something call Splenda Mist—which I purchased on eBay—in the mail a couple days ago. It looks like a small asthma inhaler filled with liquid Splenda. I’m kind of worried about what it means that my Splenda habit is escalating and taking different forms (started with packets, moved on to granular then tablets and now mist). Before long I won’t be content to wait for it to pass into my system via my stomach and will need a more direct route to my bloodstream. Should Splenda come out with Splenda Poppers I’d surely be on board. From there it’s just a short skip to smoking it in rock form and ultimately injecting it. By that point I’ll be a prostitute though—I’m not sure why, it’s just how I see it playing out—and I’ll only wear one color: Splenda yellow. Also I’ll live in a Splenda yellow house, which will make me angry all the time. I’ll be an angry whore who’s addicted to Splenda. I can’t wait!
In the meantime I’m loving the Splenda Mist though. Earlier I sprayed it on mustard and ate it plain and I only wish I were joking.
Speaking of disgusting foodstuffs, my sister convinced me to mix raspberry sugar-free jello and lemon sugar-free jello because “raspberry lemonade is really good” and the first couple bites were okay but the last 48 were unpleasant—and I think I’m realizing that I need to keep the citrus out of my jello. In fact, I have half a mind to go throw open my cupboard doors and yell “get out of my jello!” to the citrus flavors that are in there. I also want to yell it into the phone. Also every time I type yell I accidentally type yello. It’s the jello-ification of my mind.
Also last night I dragged Dustin to a party for Bill and Andy from Red Eye’s bdays and filmed us in the cab on the way home which I need to put into a Daily Alison episode and upload. So don’t think I’ve forgotten about you because I haven’t. It’s just that Splenda has become my main focus.
Poor Dustin. He has to live with you like this (well not in the same apartment anyway). Maybe he will realize it is high (didn't you see that pun coming?) time he initiate an intervention.
An angry Splenda whore? How many packets would it take to go 'round the world? If it were me I'd say 20 or so.
Poor Dustin. He has to live with you like this (well not in the same apartment anyway). Maybe he will realize it is high (didn’t you see that pun coming?) time he initiate an intervention.
An angry Splenda whore? How many packets would it take to go ’round the world? If it were me I’d say 20 or so.
Alison, I knew your addiction was out of control after the NY Post reported that you were snorting lines of Jello off of Ann Coulter's stomach at the party.
Shame on you Alison… Ann Coulter? I could understand if it were Diana Falzone or Laura Leu…
Ann Coulter?
Splendid post. 🙂
“Splenda Alters Gut Microflora and Increases Intestinal P-Glycoprotein and Cytochrome P-450 in Male Rats.”
I have no idea what that means. I guess as long as you’re not a male rat you are safe.
Alison, I knew your addiction was out of control after the NY Post reported that you were snorting lines of Jello off of Ann Coulter’s stomach at the party.
Shame on you Alison… Ann Coulter? I could understand if it were Diana Falzone or Laura Leu…
Ann Coulter?
There are times when I need Splenda and True Lemon for my orange pekoe tea. There's got be some kind of addictive ingredient since I can't stop consuming the stuff until it all runs out, then I switch to green tea (no Splenda or True Lemon required).
Your sister convinced you? How much convincing did it take? Was she adamant about it, and did tempers flare, and it almost came to blows? People are very touchy about their jello.
In NYC you won't find any of these beetles that Pan-kun the genius chimp had to contend with.
There are times when I need Splenda and True Lemon for my orange pekoe tea. There’s got be some kind of addictive ingredient since I can’t stop consuming the stuff until it all runs out, then I switch to green tea (no Splenda or True Lemon required).
Your sister convinced you? How much convincing did it take? Was she adamant about it, and did tempers flare, and it almost came to blows? People are very touchy about their jello.
In NYC you won’t find any of these beetles that Pan-kun the genius chimp had to contend with.
Splendid post. 🙂
“Splenda Alters Gut Microflora and Increases Intestinal P-Glycoprotein and Cytochrome P-450 in Male Rats.”
I have no idea what that means. I guess as long as you're not a male rat you are safe.
Alison, I knew your addiction was out of control after the NY Post reported that you were snorting lines of Jello off of Ann Coulter's stomach at the party.
Shame on you Alison… Ann Coulter? I could understand if it were Diana Falzone or Laura Leu…
Ann Coulter?
There are times when I need Splenda and True Lemon for my orange pekoe tea. There's got be some kind of addictive ingredient since I can't stop consuming the stuff until it all runs out, then I switch to green tea (no Splenda or True Lemon required).
Your sister convinced you? How much convincing did it take? Was she adamant about it, and did tempers flare, and it almost came to blows? People are very touchy about their jello.
In NYC you won't find any of these beetles that Pan-kun the genius chimp had to contend with.