So lately my left eyelid has been twitching again, which some of you may remember was an affliction I loudly suffered a few months back. Earlier this morning I was in the shower, which is a place I tend to pass time, often without clothes, and for a second I felt like I couldn’t open my left eye. I don’t know if it was because a stream of water was hitting it or if it had become glued shut from makeup I hadn’t properly removed because I’m out of makeup remover and so I’m using glue, or if I imagined the whole thing which is also possible. Regardless, it filled me with fear and then I went on a little worst case scenario trip in my mind. Care to join me? Here is  my worst case scenario interior monologue. Internal monologue? Great, now I’m losing words and phrases. First the lid, now the speech. Motherfucker!

Uh-oh, what if I can’t open my left eye? What if this is the first sign of an inability to open my left eyelid? What if my eyelid starts to droop? What’s if it’s paralyzed? And what if it’s not just my eyelid but the left side of my face? What if I get Bells Palsy? What causes that? It’s a nerve thing but I think in the  lore they associate it with wind hitting your face. Have I been in windy situations lately? Fuck. But it would be just temporary. Those things are only temporary. But still, what if just as good things are happening in my career I suddenly have a drooping face? I would have to be the brave face of drooping faces. I would suggest they shoot me from the right side but still, I would probably have to give interviews about the affliction. This is no good.  I wonder if I could postpone everything until it goes away? But what if it never goes away?

Then I got distracted started thinking about something else.

But I just want to say that we should all take a moment to appreciate our eyelids, the silent sentinels of our eyes.

Ok, I’m done.

So I’m pretty sure I’ve been fairly chatty about the awesome iPhone app that KarpayDM designed but here’s a link to download it if you haven’t already.

P.S. Your iPhone looks naked without this app.

P.P.S. Not hot naked though. Gross naked.

Perhaps you missed my theme song?

Go here to listen.

Okay I have an important question: What kind of toilet paper do you guys use? Because I keep buying Cottonelle which then breaks apart in my hand and if I wanted a fistful of my own ass I would just forgo toilet paper altogether. Then again, I’m very averse to something like Charmin Ultra Strong because once I bought it accidentally and it’s like a scouring pad for your butt. It’s like a butt buff puff. An ass loofah. I realize I’m likely alienating many of you by even talking about this. It’s for a friend. A friend who occasionally  uses the bathroom. I myself merely go in there to do my hair which always looks great anyway.

Remember in yesterday’s episode how I said I may or may not put the above video on my blog? I decided I would. And I just did. As I said yesterday, it was for an audition but I didn’t want to deprive you of any of my precious words, because each of them is like a diamond wrapped in rubies covered in gold and dipped in gravy.