Here’s yesterday’s live show on ustream if you missed it. Pretty soon I’ll be doing these shows in fancy hi-def but for now here’s unfancy regular def.
Frozen dairy disaster
DANGER!
Last night I decided to make myself a fancy frozen treat by putting a swirl of fat-free Reddiwip, which is only 5 calories a serving or, to more accurately reflect how one consumes it, 200 calories for a whole can, onto a spoon and then putting the spoon in the freezer. I made two of these ingenious frozen pops. “That will be a delightful treat when I get home later!” I told myself with no inkling of the disaster that awaited me.
“Ooh look! A fancy frozen treat! Yay for me!” I thought as I threw open the freezer door when I got home. Then I put a spoon in my mouth and before I had a chance to really realize what was happening my tongue adhered to the bottom of the spoon. I think some of my lip was attached too. It was all very Christmas Story. I should have poured water into my mouth which I think is how you detach from frozen metal however I now know that when you are stuck to something very cold your instinct is to pull away which is what I did. “Wow, that was horrible!” I thought, rethinking my snacking options since clearly I was going to be compromised in the taste department. I figured my tongue was just a little sore, probably from the coldness, but the pain wasn’t going away and actually was intensifying. Eventually I looked in the mirror and saw that my tongue was covered in a light smattering of blood.
This just proves something I already suspected: the only safe way to eat whipped cream is to squirt it directly from the can into your mouth.
The Daily Alison (Ep. 107, Where we talk Hair and comics with Jimmy Aquino)
Want to hear the episode of Comic News Insider that I was on?
Let's take a moment to appreciate our eyelids
So lately my left eyelid has been twitching again, which some of you may remember was an affliction I loudly suffered a few months back. Earlier this morning I was in the shower, which is a place I tend to pass time, often without clothes, and for a second I felt like I couldn’t open my left eye. I don’t know if it was because a stream of water was hitting it or if it had become glued shut from makeup I hadn’t properly removed because I’m out of makeup remover and so I’m using glue, or if I imagined the whole thing which is also possible. Regardless, it filled me with fear and then I went on a little worst case scenario trip in my mind. Care to join me? Here is my worst case scenario interior monologue. Internal monologue? Great, now I’m losing words and phrases. First the lid, now the speech. Motherfucker!
Uh-oh, what if I can’t open my left eye? What if this is the first sign of an inability to open my left eyelid? What if my eyelid starts to droop? What’s if it’s paralyzed? And what if it’s not just my eyelid but the left side of my face? What if I get Bells Palsy? What causes that? It’s a nerve thing but I think in the lore they associate it with wind hitting your face. Have I been in windy situations lately? Fuck. But it would be just temporary. Those things are only temporary. But still, what if just as good things are happening in my career I suddenly have a drooping face? I would have to be the brave face of drooping faces. I would suggest they shoot me from the right side but still, I would probably have to give interviews about the affliction. This is no good. I wonder if I could postpone everything until it goes away? But what if it never goes away?
Then I got distracted started thinking about something else.
But I just want to say that we should all take a moment to appreciate our eyelids, the silent sentinels of our eyes.
Ok, I’m done.
The Alison Rosen iPhone app
So I’m pretty sure I’ve been fairly chatty about the awesome iPhone app that KarpayDM designed but here’s a link to download it if you haven’t already.
P.S. Your iPhone looks naked without this app.
P.P.S. Not hot naked though. Gross naked.
I have a theme song and you don't
Perhaps you missed my theme song?
Go here to listen.
The Daily Alison (Ep. 106, Where Trevor and I argue about invisible dogs)
The Daily Alison (Ep. 105, Where Trevor and I remember summer camp)
So something’s awry on the blog right now. Who’s having trouble seeing these new posts? If you go to the link through twitter they should show up but apparently if you just go to the blog home page they aren’t showing up. Let me know if you’re having trouble seeing anything.
The paper that dare not speak its name
Okay I have an important question: What kind of toilet paper do you guys use? Because I keep buying Cottonelle which then breaks apart in my hand and if I wanted a fistful of my own ass I would just forgo toilet paper altogether. Then again, I’m very averse to something like Charmin Ultra Strong because once I bought it accidentally and it’s like a scouring pad for your butt. It’s like a butt buff puff. An ass loofah. I realize I’m likely alienating many of you by even talking about this. It’s for a friend. A friend who occasionally uses the bathroom. I myself merely go in there to do my hair which always looks great anyway.
One minute celeb rant
Remember in yesterday’s episode how I said I may or may not put the above video on my blog? I decided I would. And I just did. As I said yesterday, it was for an audition but I didn’t want to deprive you of any of my precious words, because each of them is like a diamond wrapped in rubies covered in gold and dipped in gravy.