I’ve put some things in my mouth today and it hasn’t gone well. First I made a salad with a bag of triple-washed lettuce only I think some other bag was probably washed six times and mine none because I found a bug in my salad and later a clump of dirt. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit the time between the bug and the dirt as it reveals that I picked the bug out and kept eating as opposed to shrieking, throwing the lettuce in the air and jumping up onto the couch as would be girly, however I’m not going to let a bug keep me from food. I am,  however, going to let a mouthful of dirt keep me from food. GROSS I said, spitting out gritty mud chunks and throwing out the compromised lettuce. So then I put a Lean Cuisine dinner in the microwave—steak tips portobello which is 160 calories and always cracks me up because I imagine someone going for a manicure and asking for steak tips on their nails! HA!—and the gravy-esque sauce got all over the interior of  the microwave because some loser (pssst…. it was me!) didn’t properly vent the film on top of the tray. What a bunch of bullshit!

The universe is trying to tell me that I need a personal chef, clearly.

Oh and one more thing about the trouble with putting stuff in my mouth: I dropped two blobs of the frozen dinner on myself. One on my fashionable sweatpants and one on my stylish t-shirt. Now I look fantastic but I smell like gravy! Or something which approximates gravy! Gravo!

In other news, big Ustream show on Wednesday! A producer for The Daily Show will trim my hair while I freak out. If you want to read up on how this came to be, I explain it in this post, beginning  under the pic of Pat Kiernan.