Thanks to Joe McDonald for making this video!
Look, it's another 30 Seconds On…
After staying up half the night trying in vain to import* a video and failing because I don’t have enough room on my hard drive I decided to go nuts and buy a 1TB external hard drive. This means I can store everything in the whole world on it, or so I’ve been led to believe. I’m going to start by loading puppies onto it. In other news, here is this video. I decided to leave the extraneous chatter at the beginning in here even though I suspect Dustin will think I should have edited it out because the way I see it, without it, the whole thing would just be too slick and professional seeming. We’re kind of always at constant risk of that.
*from China. Weekend at Bernie’s Three.
More photos from Red Eye last night
Here’s where I made this thoughtful face.
And then here’s where I smiled in a way that looks nothing like me to me.
And then here’s where I said I tested positive for Stockholm Syndrome but had gone on to lead a rich and rewarding life. (The truth is that I had to get a mole removed but Stockholm Syndrome was the only thing insurance would cover!)
And then here’s where I said something else.
And then something else. Not sure what but pretty sure it was brilliant.
And then here’s where I was about to say something amazing.
And then here’s where I said something that made everyone start clapping and crying.
And then here’s where I ate my upper lip.
101 Things To Do In A Sh*tty Economy, 1-11
Bad finances got you down? Try one of the following penny-pinching solutions.
1. Never can get the last bits of lipstick out of your near empty tubes? Don’t fret, pet. Wait until you’ve got a bunch (at least 5) and then head to your nearest MAC store where you can use them to beat the cashier until she hands over all the money in the register.
2. Weather is your friend. Capture light wintry mix in a bowl. Add dirt from your garden (No garden? Scrape the bottom of your shoe!) and serve at your next cocktail party!
3. Don’t throw out those last pieces of soap. Put them in a pot, boil them down and make soup!
4. Shave your head. The money you save on shampoo alone will be enough to buy food for your egg-laying chicken. (see #5)
5. Buy an egg-laying chicken. The money you save on eggs alone will be more than enough to pay for a wig. (see #4)
6. Egg-laying chicken turned out to be a rooster? Look on the bright side. Now you’ll never miss another sunrise. Nor will any of your neighbors!
7. OK so it looks like you’ll be needing a lawyer as your neighbors weren’t able to look on the bright side. Whip up a bowl of your best soap soup and offer to trade services. (Soap soup in exchange for legal representation.)
8. So you got evicted. Grab your rooster and hit the road. Think of it as an adventure! Fuck conformity, hobo chic style!
9. Instead of spending your hard earned money at a laundromat, wash clothes in shower (just get in shower fully clothed) and then dry them in the microwave. Make sure there’s no metal in your clothing. Consider a browning sleeve if you like your shirts crispy.
10. Old cook’s secret: In a pinch, eye makeup remover can double for olive oil in your recipes.
11. Baking a cake but unsure whether the oven is the right temperature and can’t afford an accurate thermometer? Stick hand in oven. When skin is light and flaky, cake is done.
[do I even need to say that you shouldn’t actually try any of these at home and this list is just a joke?]
Q&A Vlog, Feb 27
My Gina Carano story in the March issue of Maxim
Thanks to Prototype for sending this to me!
a couple green room shots
“We look like bobble head dolls,” said Josh. Well, maybe he actually only said he did but I do too here. I didn’t realize I had the bobble head filter on. Also, this is the same green room as Geraldo uses. Did I mention I was on Geraldo? A bunch of times? (Not on the show a bunch of times, but mention it a bunch of times?). Why just tonight when Patty Ann Browne asked what I did for the Oscars, I said: “Geraldo!” Then I puffed up in a self-important fashion while Greg made an off-color joke. Also of note is the way this green room’s walls are actually green. How cliché.
This just in: I'm on Red Eye tonight
Sorry to send you guys on a crazy roller coaster ride here but I am indeed on Red Eye tonight so cancel the plans you made when I told you yesterday that I wasn’t on Red Eye. I mean, they were just last minute plans to escape the incredible pain and loss of not being able to see me on the show anyway, right?
Think you know me? Take the quiz
What kind of person writes a quiz about themselves? This kind of person. Now, to the questions, shall we?
1. I typically refer to my eyes a certain way. That way is:
a) dancing brown eyes flecked with gold
b) chocolate brown
c) shit brown
d) hazel
2. If you were to meet me in the city of my birth you’d head to:
a) Costa Mesa, CA
b) Corona del Mar, CA
c) Oakland, CA
d) San Diego, CA
3) True or False: I ate a jar of caperberries tonight.
4) I’m quite proud of a certain ability of mine. Which is it?
a) I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue
b) I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my hands
c) I can raise each eyebrow separately
d) I can speak fluent Mandarin
5) I have:
a) one younger sister and two older brothers
b) one older sister and two older brothers
c) two younger sisters and one older brother
d) I’m an only child
6) I’m more a:
a) cat person
b) dog person
7) When it comes to the stars, I’m:
a) a Taurus
b) a Pisces
c) a Feces
d) an Aries
8) I played a sport as a child. Name that sport!
a) softball
b) soccer
c) field hockey
d) tennis
9) All my guy friends are named:
a) Bob
b) Mike
c) Steve
d) Kevin
10) I majored in:
a) Psychology
b) English
c) History
d) double major: Art history and Women’s Studies
11) I intensely dislike a certain smell. That malodorous wallop is packed by:
a) cilantro
b) pine-sol
c) white vinegar
d) sawdust
12) My hair is:
a) awesome
b) naturally black and curly
c) naturally straight and brown
d) extensions
Okay now I’m tired so I’m cutting this quiz short but I feel this is likely the beginning of even more quizzes. Yay!
Answers:
1. a, 2. c, 3. T, 4. c, 5. a, 6. b, 7. a, 8. d, 9. b, 10. b, 11. c, 12. a and b
Also, don’t you hate when quiz answers are all smushed together like in the above? I do too. This quiz is very beta.