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Author Archive | Alison Rosen
the way apartment hunting takes over your life and invades your thoughts
I was in the other room and the TV was on and I heard “A new study says New Yorkers are number one in the country when it comes to being evicted by email.” I thought: “Evicted by email?? Is that even legal?”
But then I realized they said “addicted to” email.
Incidentally, even though I saw two shoeboxes yesterday I was feeling pretty excited about the prospect of creating a new home for me and my imaginary dog but today I’m feeling pretty pessimistic about it. You know, in case you were wondering.
open mouth, insert words
Greetings lovelies. This is where I eat my words because I’ve long held that people who live in the outer boroughs and who are smug about it, carrying on with their room to breathe and look at all the trees and it’s great because you can go into the city and then leave the city behind and I know all the shop owners and look, I have a bike and a garden and a real eat-in kitchen and I pay a fraction of what you pay and it’s not for everyone, I DARE you to do it, you couldn’t HANDLE the gorgeous sidewalks, are annoying, and yet I think I’m going to become one.
So tell me: how do I feel about Woodside? Rego Park? Prospect Heights?
I’ll probably actually end up Brooklyn Heights, Cobble Hill/Carroll Gardens or Astoria, but I’m seeing these listings in other places and just wondering how I feel about them.
Dear Broker
I sent you an email that said “Hi, I’m writing about an apartment I saw listed with the ID#…. Is the apartment a walk-up and if so, what floor is it on?”
You wrote back and said “Yes, it’s still available and it’s a top floor walk up. When are you able to see it?”
I wrote back and said “How many flights up is it?”
You said “It’s on the top floor of a walk-up.”
I wrote back and said “How many floors are in the building?”
You wrote back and told me, finally, which was disappointing because I was hoping we could exchange about sixteen million more emails where I ask the same question in slightly different ways.
Anyone remember Jennifer Aniston in Camp Cucamonga?
Does anyone remember TV movie Camp Cucamonga? It was one of those TV movies that starred all the young actors on network shows at the time it was slapped together. I remember another one about a prom and another one about a driving school. Anyway, I was looking up License to Drive for legitimate work reasons and then I started thinking about Camp Cucamonga and then I stumbled on this clip which shows behind the scenes footage from the movie. It’s sort of interesting because it shows Aniston way before she was famous (I think she was on Molloy around this time) and also because someone is brushing out Brian Robbins fearsome mullet near the end. I think that’s my favorite part.
hiccups
I have some very important news to share with you: I have hiccups. I’m realizing now that I haven’t had them in at least a year if not more which is weird but I guess you never really sit around thinking about your hiccup dry spell until you get a violent case of them, and that’s what I have now. Like the kind that make you lift out of your chair a little. The kind where you have to catch your breath in between. It’s like I’m in labor… with hiccups!
UPDATE! The hiccups went away and then came back. In fact I took a sip of coffee and then hiccuped and the coffee flew out of my mouth and splattered on my desk and shirt. It was kind of awesome.
The link to my Christpher Ciccone story is up
You can read it here. Incidentally this is the same day that a story came out in the New York Post where an unnamed source alleges that Madonna ghost wrote parts of the book with her brother and that the scandal is made up. I just don’t think this is true. I’ve interviewed a lot of people and when the pieces don’t add up I can feel it. Even if I’m not able to uncover the real story I know when what I’m getting isn’t it. I didn’t get that bullsh*t vibe on this one and plus, if she were in cahoots, I don’t quite see what she added to the book. Some receipts? I just think there would have been something more spectacularly dishy in some regard were this whole thing were a publicity stunt.
I just finished my article!
And then I walked into a hanger. Truly. I could explain how this happened but I think I’d rather keep the mystery alive.
Now my brain is mush and I have another deadline but I think I’m done for tonight at least.
dogs, parents
I think my dad just kind of encouraged me to get a puppy! It’s pretty sad that at my age I still need my parents’ approval for basic life decisions—like inviting adorableness into my heart and home—however I would have guessed they wouldn’t think I was mature enough to get a dog—which is also funny since I suspect they think I’m mature enough to have a child. Speaking of, I should water Fred.
And I also don't like when kids raise their hands and make a fin in the pool and sing the Jaws theme song
It’s always great to discover a new phobia. Apparently I’m kind of afraid of sharks! See, it all started when I was reading Bill Schulz’s shark cage-diving story and then I was wondering if you wear scuba gear or how exactly this works—I remember he mentioned shoving something in his “pie-hole” but couldn’t remember if it was a scuba mouthpiece or a snorkel because I was more distracted by his choice of “pie-hole” and then I started wondering if that term comes from “pie” and of all things, why isn’t it your something-besides-pie hole since it’s not like everyone in the world eats pie, you know? So I thought the easiest way to find this out would be to just search “shark cage-diving” and that led me to this site. Go there, or go there after you read this, and tell me if you also start to get the heebie jeebies if you stay on the page too long. It reminded me of a game I used to play with myself in hotel swimming pools when I was a kid where I’d be in the deep end and then I’d start to wonder what it would be like if there was a shark in the deep end and then before long I’d freak myself out and have to return to the shallow end. Actually, that doesn’t sound like a game at all now that I think about it. But that’s the kind of feeling I get when I look at this site. I’m surprised by my own physical reaction to it. If a shark suddenly popped up on screen I think I would actually jump.
Anyway, I’m baffled by this shark cage-diving thing but then I’m someone who couldn’t handle snorkeling because I didn’t like all the little fishies swimming around me.
By the way, this whole thought process has been an exercise in procrastination. I’m 119 words into a thousand word piece I have to write. It’s going… slowly.