Subscribe to my Substack!!!!

Author Archive | Alison Rosen

More about the couch?

So how am I doing you might be wondering? Well this morning I woke up to a super uncomfortable burning sensation going from my belly button to my knees so I writhed around a bit and then threw up a few times. It was refreshing, really, and by that I mean it was so horrible that I actually started crying at one point because I’m very brave. Then I whimpered and felt sorry for myself while thinking that actually I’m lucky that I don’t have to be working right now and then I slept for awhile. Now I feel better so I can turn my attention to more important things.

1. Not only did the pilot on the flight have braces but the flight attendant who was making the announcements had a speech impediment so it sounded like “inflatable vethts are located under your theat.”

2. Tobey may be eating his Tobeys again.

3. We’re closing in on couch decision time if I want to get the couch I already have made in a stock plus fabric. (my options are either returning it outright, exchanging it for another identical one since it’s ripped in a couple spots, or getting the couch in a fabric I might like better.) I’m leaning towards the latter, even though it’s more expensive, because I think the couch is comfortable I’m just not loving the material. So help me decide which of these I should go with. Oh and if you have something assholish to say, please just don’t. I have a headache. (That’s not directed at any of you whom I love to bits. Just saying in general.)


Couch as it is now (but without those throw pillows)


Clockwise from top left: camel, chamois, sand, latte (in real life latte is lighter than it’s appearing here)


Another view: from left, chamois, latte, camel, sand

Continue Reading

This never happens

After a busy day of making snow angels and doing nothing, I decided to cook and not only am I using the stove but I’m also using the oven. This is officially the first time I’ve used both simultaneously. I’m multitasking!

What am I making you might ask? I’m making paste on the stove and broiling shoes in the oven.

Not really. I’m attempting to make science my bitch by making meringues using only egg whites, cream of tartar, salt, splenda and bee spit and angora wool and thimbles. If I succeed I will be very famous. Just warning you. If I fail I will have created a delicious alternative to styrofoam peanuts.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Continue Reading

How do we feel about this?

By we I mean me. Is it cheesy or neato? I find most things are one of the two. And yes, I know I need help. It’s the Quinn sofa from Z Gallerie and it’s got silver nail heads on the arm, upping the neat/cheese quotient.

Continue Reading

Where to see me on TV. Also, when to see me on TV.

Greetings my little yule logs,

I think this might be a repeat of info you already have. But anyway…

Just a note to say I’ll be on Red Eye tonight. So will Jim Norton. Please watch or else Jim will cry. (Red Eye, Fox News Channel, 3am EST, check local listings. This is on Thursday night/Friday morning.)

And then tomorrow morning (Friday morning) I’ll be on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet talking about how to look ten pounds slimmer for your holiday party. Tip number 1: stand next to a fat person. (OK so that’s not actually one of the tips. It’s just good thinking.)

(Check local listings for Morning Show with Mike & Juliet. It’s on from 9am to 10am in New York on channel 5. You can check local listings here: http://www.mandjshow.com/about-the-show/)

Hope you’re staying warm unless you’re in a warm place and then hope you’re staying cool. I guess what I’m really saying is that I hope your holidays are room temperature.

Alison

Continue Reading

Things You Never Hear Anyone Say

[NOTE: I slapped this up here without any context so just wanted to take a moment to say… there’s no context. I was just sitting around thinking of things you never hear anyone say either because they’re ridiculous or because they’re socially unacceptable. So I thought I’d make a list. This is that list.]

“Wow, nice toupee!”

“I find the way we’ve been introduced a number of times but you always act as if you don’t know me refreshing.”

“Oh goody, I was hoping your sister could come along on our date.”

“Gee, thanks for these holiday themed socks that play a song. They’re just what I wanted!”

“No need to pay me, boss. I put in a mind-numbing day of pointless work because I enjoy it.”

“Tell me again about your bunion!”

“Well I came to your party to see if there was anyone who could advance my career or who I could sleep with. Since there isn’t, I’m going to hit the road. Mind if I look in your medicine cabinet first?”

“I don’t know what it is but Urkel just cracks me up.”

“Actually yes, you do look fat in those pants.”

“Thanks for inviting me over and telling me those fantastically dull stories!”

“I thought we might have a future together but then I got to know you.”

“It’s you, not me.”

“Actually I am ready for a relationship, just not with you.”

“Hands down, the best thing about a cocaine-fueled orgy is the way you feel the next day.”

Continue Reading

Site: Todd Jackson | Art Direction: Josh Holtsclaw | Original Logo: Kezilla | Show Music: Tom Rapp