Tobey just brought all his toys into the family room and put them in a pile. I find this adorable because it seems like something a person would do and yet what is the quality I'm celebrating here? Organization? Attachment to things? Cuteness?
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Author Archive | Alison Rosen
From back when I was accidentally goth
So back in the day people used to always think I was goth and I never understood why. “Just because I have black hair doesn’t mean I’m goth!” I’d exclaim, frustrated by the crappy follicular hand I’d been dealt. Hadn’t these people ever seen someone with fair skin and black hair? I didn’t even listen to goth music! “Don’t put me in your little box!” I’d yell before repairing to the bathroom to cut myself and write in my journal.
Well I just found this photo:
I think I understand now.
But since I’m taking a Christmasy dip in Lake Me, here’s another gothy shot from the same time. Mind you I’m not even posting photos from when I played in a band because they would blow my whole argument to hell I think.
How I take cough syrup
[A word about what I’m wearing: Sometimes I like to put on everything I get for Xmas as I get it, hence the necklace with tags. Also, I like to tie bows around my head as I’m opening. Also, I’m not wearing any makeup in these photos, and how!]
HOW I TAKE COUGH SYRUP
1) First I pour it in a spoon.
2) Next, I swallow it.
3) Then I freak out.
Someone's worn out
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Courtesy of The Girl Scouts of America
These little faux presents, which are actually wrapped bars of soap with some plastic doodads and frippery affixed to the top have been sitting under the tree since I was six which means they are like fifteen years old since I'm only 21. Also apparently I'm bad at math since I wanted to be a little older and undershot my mark. I made them when I was a Brownie. It's good to know we have bars of soap at the ready should there be some kind of messy holiday emergency.
Also, I don't like how Sinatra calls Rudolph "Rudy."
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Tobey
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My sister made us Tobey calendars!
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Christmas drums
My mom is so ready to sell these fuckers on ebay the minute I turn my back
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Christmas tree
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Need more New Year's resolutions?
Thought so. I’m here to help. Also, to offer somewhat inedible meringues.
I resolve to:
Save money
Save coupons
Save the good towels for guests
Save my pride
Save face
Save a horse, ride a cowboy
Buy short
Buy long
Buy a loom and learn to weave
Buy a boat and learn to sail
Buy fancy stationary and revive the art of letter-writing
Buy a hermit crab
Buy a clue (here’s a quarter)
Drink only the finest Scotch
Drink only diet soda
Drink deeply from life’s rich bouquet
Drink deeply from life’s rich tapestry
Drink deeply from a garden hose
Buy a garden hose
Replace the word “drink” with “quaff” and don a cravat
Cancel cable and just download porn
Cancel porn and just watch Mad Men
Cancel both cable and internet connection and watch informercials
Name a goldfish Jesus
Name a goldfish Henry
Name your goldfish crackers and then freak out when people eat them
Learn a new language
Learn a dead language
Learn to speak English more better
Replace college-ruled paper with wide-ruled paper
Replace wide-ruled paper with college-ruled paper
Replace loose-leaf paper with actual printer paper you cheap ass
Put your junk in bonds
Put your bonds in junk
Put your money where your mouth is
Put your mouth where your money is (unless you’re a plumber)
Talk more about couches!
Talk less about couches!
Talk less in general
Talk less, listen more
Listen more to the sound of your own voice where “your” means “my”
Sleep like a baby
Sleep with the fishes
Sleep like a baby fish
Sleep with the baby fishes (shhhh! they’re sleeping)
Name all your sea monkeys
Teach your sea monkeys to do tricks like play tiny sea cymbals
Move your cheese
Move your ass
Hit it and quit it
Take a load off
Try not to sell any senate seats if you’re from Chicago
Dance like no one’s looking
Dance like a maniac maniac on the floor
Take up tap dancing AKA “the headache dance”
Buy a pair of toe shoes even though you aren’t at that point yet in your ballet lessons and don’t let those bitches at Capezio get you down (theoretically speaking)
wear a tutu
wear a threethree
wear a sixsixsix (Satan’s tutu)