My cable is out. If this continues I may have to be productive which is really going to cut into my sitting around time.
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
How I spent the flight
Greetings my little pecan loaves. Last night I took a red eye flight back to New York. Normally I take flights that arrive late at night and then I suffer something I’ve dubbed “traveler’s melancholy” which is where I feel kind of lonely and overwhelmed with all my suitcases and thoughts. When I flew back from Canada last month the show put me on a super early flight which got me back in the morning and I realized I like arriving in daylight so I thought perhaps a red eye would be all kinds of awesome because I wouldn’t have to haul ass to get to the airport in time and I’d arrive with the whole day stretching out before me. What I didn’t quite take into account was how disoriented I would feel on the other side of the flight. But whereas the flight time from NYC to CA was a cruel seven hours, the time going the other direction was only four hours and twenty minutes or something like that and no, that’s not a pot reference. Although I snacked like I was stoned. You know what’s kind of healthy? The way JetBlue now offers hundred calorie packs of cookies. You know what’s less healthy? Eating three of them and a bag of munchie mix. I suppose it’s sort of balanced out by the way I only ate scrambled egg whites the day before because I was feeling kind of nauseous, if by balanced out you mean there goes all your hard work, fat ass. But anyway, would you like a breakdown of my activities in the air?
flight time: 4 hrs, 20 mins approx
flipped continuously through 36 channels of satellite TV: 4 hrs
worried that incessant channel surfing would annoy guy next to me: 2 mins
put on sleep mask and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off: 20 mins
debated snack options: 4 mins
picked through a bag of munchie mix looking for pretzels: 10 mins
ate a few cheetos from the bag. also, some doritos and sun chips: 8 mins
ate the whole damn bag which was NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN: 6 mins
yes, I know I spent about 24 mins with that evil bag of munchie mix which I wish I’d never opened
tipped my head back and poured munchie dust down my throat: 2 mins
ripped bag open and rubbed it all over my body: 2 mins
smeared orange grease under my eyes and ran up and down the aisles screaming: 3 mins
tried to wipe orange shit off my hands but realized I didn’t have a napkin: 1 min
remembered I had an old kleenex in my coat pocket: 1 min
fished around coat pocket but coat was around my legs like a blanket so finding pocket involved kind of feeling up guy next to me: 2 mins
explained to guy next to me that while it was fun, I don’t want to be tied down right now: 3 mins
wondered why everything was all wet in the bathroom: 3 mins
slept: 17 mins, GIVE OR TAKE
slept like a log thru landing so that when I woke up the lights in the plane were on and people were standing up and I was confused: 3 mins
I’m not even adding all this up because I know it’s more than the flight time. No wonder it felt so long!
More New Year's resolutions
Well folks, it’s that time where if you haven’t resolved to do anything next year you’re probably feeling pretty anxious. Fear not, below is a cornucopeaiaeoyia of resolutions which will satisfy all your resolve-related needs. Choose one or a few. Mix and match. Use them to straighten your hair or dress a simple salad!
I resolve to:
Figure out how to spell cornucopia
Figure out how to pronounce oeuvre without sounding like a yak in heat or a pretentious Frenchman
Figure out how to best dress for my figure
Figure out how to dress a bust for an event where people are presenting busts
Dust off those busts of classical composers which are on the piano
Buy a piano and learn to play it
Figure out how to prepare pears so they look less pear-shaped
Quit being so shallow
Prepare pears in a shallow dish
Do something with a sitz bath, something fun!
Sponge bathe your Hummels
Just have fun with it!
Just put it out there!
Just do it!
Be the straw that stirs the drink!
Drink less!
Drink only through a straw
Drink only through a crazy straw!
Make your own crazy straws out of bee spit and whale baline
Donate your time to something important involving animals
Like mastering Buck Hunt!
Pull off a major heist
Pull off a caper
Have a baby in the bathroom at prom but for heaven sakes this time clean up after yourself!!!!!!
If you sprinkle when you have a baby in the public restroom please be neat and wipe the seat, you know?!?!?!?!
Read more historical fiction
Organize thimble collection and sell any you don’t love
Fill your pockets only with things you use or love, like old records, vintage furniture and persimmons
Paint your thumb green and then build a hot house
Paint your thumb hot and then build a greenhouse
Build a pillow fort and have your mail forwarded to it
Buy a paper shredder and start using it to shred important documents, like books, keys and passport
Take the stairs instead of the elevator
If there’s no elevator in your house refuse to take the stairs like some kind of commoner
Only eat donut holes, not donuts
Only eat corn nuts, not corn on the cob
Only eat candy corn but pretend you think it’s real corn
Refer to corn as “maize”
I'm on the bio channel right now
On the Adam Sandler bio. Tune in if you're as into me as I am.
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Unpopular Twitter apps
Thwurlburger
Twatdazzle
Got Twurpes?
LoudTwurps
Twithitsthefan
Twatteriffic
Twerpfon
BigTwits
BodaciousTweets
Tweenis
Anyone for Twennis?
I Twit Myself (for BlackBerry)
Mother, May I Tweet With Danger?
Twuntruffle
Vacation blockage
Somehow this always happens when I’m away from home and by home I mean New York although sometimes by home I mean California but anyway I start to craft a blog post in my head and then it takes me forever to get it out of me and up on the blog. And the longer I wait the worse it gets. Remember when I had a story to tell you about prunes? Or something? Is this ringing a bell?
Anyway, perhaps tomorrow I’ll snap off a post (ok yuck. now I’m just being disgusting) about “How To Be Funny.” I’ve been writing it in my head for a few days and let me say it’s really a humdinger. A doozy. A ripsnorter. And more similar words.
Also, I went to Z Gallerie today to look at the Quinn couch and I didn’t like it as much in person but the crazy thing is that on the phone I talked to this kind of surly woman name Skye who told me to ask for Skye when I came into the store but since I wasn’t really picking up what this person was laying down I just asked the mind-mannered guy typing something on the store computer if he could help me. He was pretty helpful and also quite fem looking. I mean, amazing eyelashes. I told him I had to think about the whole thing and then he said he would give me his card and what’s my name? His is Skye! Turns out the unhelpful woman on the phone was a helpful man in person.
The Fashion Island tree
Like Rockefeller Center tree with fewer tourists, more palm fronds.
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Finally found the oversized silver ampersand I've been looking for
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I'm December!
I’m December in the (un)Official 2009 Red Eye calendar! Hooray for me! And thanks to Joe for putting this together even if I’m now going to have to hibernate for 11 months or so.
Did I mention my sister made Tobey calendars? Yes, I think I did.
Also, last night I was choosing between two shirts. One which showed off the not-all-that-ample cleavage and a turtleneck. The turtleneck was more comfortable but the other one was more “hey, look at me!” I decided to just wear the hey look at me shirt but then found out we were going to be watching a band outside for much of the evening so I should dress as warmly as possible. “Oh goody” I said with as much sarcasm dripping from my voice as possible. I considered explaining that this plan sounded about as much fun as sitting on my hand for three hours till I lost all feeling and then slapping myself in the face with it but instead I just decided to change sweaters. In the course of doing so I wrenched in some way that made it so my neck and shoulders are totally stiff and now I’m that person who has to turn my whole upper body to look to the left or the right. “I wish I was seeing you guys on a night when I was more limber,” I announced through gritted teeth. Other things I said: “I’m so cold and stiff I can’t hear,” (it makes no sense and yet it was happening) and also, “Sorry I’m so cranky and whiny.” I wasn’t really sorry though. Due the limited mobility I wasn’t able to be as smarmy as I wished when someone I haven’t seen in forever told me he’d seen me on an Adam Sandler special. I couldn’t even nod arrogantly. I love nodding arrogantly!
Also, I was introduced to a guy who patted down and then blew on my coat sleeves. The explanation? “He’s really drunk.” It was strange though because it was almost like he was demonstrating some kind of tailoring prowess. I don’t care if he’s a lush, if I need something hemmed I’m tracking him down.
Photos I found on my mom's computer
More photos of me? If you insist. I was on my mom’s computer looking for porn (note: not looking for porn) when I found these photos that I must have put on there when they were emailed to me and I was using her computer and etcetera. Plus, since Anna David posted on the Activity Pit that she wasn’t afraid to trot out some Alison Rosen material and then Joe asked for some baby pictures I thought I might beat them to the punch. Not that they actually have access to my baby photos, but you know. So, shall we?
Here I am taking a nap before the dawn of color photography. This actually is a daguerreotype.
And here I am wearing a bandanna on my head after a hard day of child labor. Also, my older brothers enjoyed dressing me up in ridiculous get ups and I’m thinking this was one of them.
Here I am hanging out with my older brother Josh. He’s so totally imitating me here but that’s Josh, always trying to do what I do.
Here I am many years later playing in The Angoras. Yes, I know my legs look fat here.
Here I am being tuff with the band, hanging out on a car. That’s the kind of outlaw shit we did in OC. We didn’t even play instruments, just hung out on fully-hotrodded titz rides. In fact, I’m surprised there aren’t any flames on the side of this vehicle. There’s very unusual.
Here we are on tour after I’d clearly made some kind of hugely embarrassing admission.
See how tuff we were? By the way, if you own this cassette it’s totally worth the cost of a used cassette right now.
Here I am holding a baby. Come and get it quick men, I think I just ovulated. Oh and if you happen to click on this photo let me say right now that I don’t know what’s up with my eyebrow. I must have shaved it like that in prison. [update: maybe this isn’t the photo but there’s a photo of me like this where it looks like there’s a Vanilla Ice-style notch missing from my eyebrow, hence the explanation. The unnecessary explanation.]
And here’s my sister and me just hanging out. This was probably the last time I had a tan and wore a tank top. Actually, I’ll have you know that’s not just any tank top, it’s Wonder Woman Underoos.