Think I’m not the kind of person who buys Brussels sprouts? Well I just want you to know you’re wrong. Feast your eyes on the below and then simmer in a pot of your own wrongness.
Yeah that’s right. I bought Brussels sprouts. And I’ll do it again. In fact, I like to pretend I’m in Belgium and just call them sprouts. As in, first I’m going to have, um, waffles, and then, um, chocolate, and then, um, sprouts, and then… and then I run out of things that have Belgian or Brussels in front of them. Anyone? Moving on…
I also am the kind of person who buys broccoli which, as you can see above, is thoughtfully wrapped in saran wrap by the grocery store. And not just any saran wrap, but blue tinted saran wrap. I make sure to request it.
“Hey, could I get the Saran Wrap that makes the food look toxic?” I say. Oh yeah, I also buy mushrooms, seen above. But sometimes I feel like something that tastes more like a jar so…
I opt for these. According to the label they’re “America’s Favorite Mushroom since 1928.” On the top it says “Sell by 1929.”
Oh and I also buy milk.
But this is the milk I prefer however the store only has it never to sometimes. It’s half the calories of nonfat milk but tastes more like regular milk if you took that regular milk and divided it in half and then replaced half with water and half with paste and then thinned it out with magical polymers and silicon. It’s delicious!
So but you’re probably wondering what I do with the Brussels sprouts? I’m reminded of my friend the epicurean who claims microwaves are only for heating and reheating. Not so, guy. (Just searched in vain for a link to anything aforementioned friend has written but all I’m coming up with are douchey wireimage shots, so I’m going to just leave it alone. You get the gist.)
