Author Archive | Alison Rosen

People will wear dresses. Especially the women.

Speeches? They’ll run longish.

Someone will be in the bathroom when their name is called.

There will be talk of whether awards shows are appropriate in a recession.

Someone will claim that receiving this award is “humbling.”

Those shoes are fantastic!

The people without whom it wouldn’t have been possible will be thanked.

Except someone will forget to thank someone. Should person who forgets to do the thanking be married to the person who wasn’t thanked, people will wonder whether there’s marital discord.

There is. I’m sleeping with the person who wasn’t thanked.

It was tremendous honor to begin an affair with that person.

That person was very brave and fearless.

I did it for all of you, the fans who made it possible for me to continue getting up in the morning and hiding in the bushes. Without you I never could have done it.

My kids are at home and I also did it for them.

Sadie? Elvin? This award is for you.

It’s incredibly humbling to have won TWO awards and unfortunately I only prepared one speech, please excuse me while I recycle it.

Elvin? Sadie? This award is for you. Bushes? Thanks for hiding me.

Uh oh, they’re telling me to exit the stage. Oh no, oh no, I think I’m forgetting someone. My wonderful agent Jim and his wonderful agent Ken and my wonderful producers and the people who make me look like this. My caterer Sam and my gardener Bill and my actuary Bob and my manicurist Cherise and my tailor Taylor and my cobbler Kevin and my hairstylist Ormond and my spiritual adviser Sally Brompton and my best friend and the best support any girl could have, ok fine, I’m leaving. Ok get your hands off me. I said–