It’s as if Santa blew Christmas chunks all over a garden design center. But festive!
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
My brain is stuffed and words are leaking out my ears
I’ve had to memorize copious amounts of text in the last two days—text which I’ll likely forget just as soon as I regurgitate it in front of a camera—but when I say regurgitate I mean with passion and conviction, sort of like a really violent episode of food poisoning, but sexier, and anyway the point is that my brain is stuffed with all these words and I’m pretty sure some vital info may have been jettisoned in order to accommodate all the new paragraphs so if you see me wandering around confused, shaking my phone unsure how to answer it, pawing mutely at elevator doors, drooling in front of escalators, throwing my upper body at clothing in a vain attempt to put on my coat, just know that I can tell you a lot about about other stuff but that I don’t remember what a fork is or where I live.
Announcements
Hey everyone. I have many important announcements.
1) Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was good save for the marshmallow disaster which I will surely tell you about one day over a warm mug of Postum or perhaps at our next slumber party.
2) Okay this next tidbit is going to hurt a little bit however because I’ll be aloft in an airplane tomorrow night there won’t be a Ustream show. I realize this is going to throw a monkeywrench into your Wednesday night. Blame the laws of physics, I know I do.
3) But wipe away your tears because perhaps I will reschedule that show as a surprise.
4) But it’s possible I won’t in which case the next show will be the following Wednesday and boy howdy, it’ll be a doozy. Seriously.
5) I think I’d be remiss if I didn’t make my somewhat predictable vacation apology for not writing more often. All sorts of merriment and whimsy has been happening around me, I mean, I’m practically Patient Zero for whimsical merrymaking and I’ve been tracking it on Twitter. I doubt anyone reading this isn’t following me on Twitter but if you aren’t, go check that action because there’s all sorts of delightful ephemera over there including photos. In other news, I know big words. So but anyway what I wanted to say was once I get back to New York I’ll be returning to the regularly scheduled pith and mirth you’ve grown accustomed to.
6) Anything else? Hm.
7) I guess not.
Clips from last night: Meet my mom
If the above doesn’t play, view it here.
Wondering more about the drama surrounding labeling? Here’s the backstory.
And since it came up in an earlier part of the show, here are some old photos.
Clip from last night's Ustream show (grasshopper walks into a bar)
If the video doesn’t play, go here to watch.
Thanksgiving seasons
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I’m sitting at the kitchen table of my parents’ house sweating my lady balls off. Everyone says there aren’t any seasons in CA however there are seasons in this house. It’s nuclear winter in my old bedroom and Dante’s Inferno in the kitchen. Those are some of the seasons right? My understanding is that these are the seasons:
Spring
Summer
Fall
August
Autumn
Winter
Winter Squash
Tennis
Cricket
Racketball
Blue
Seven
Dante’s Inferno
Gary’s Inferno
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride
Nuclear Winter
Nukuler Winter
Fred Winter
Shelly Winters
Indian Summer
So last night I shivered into bed wearing sweatpants, socks, a nightgown and sweatshirt and then slept under a duvet and three blankets. I’m not even making this up. Now I’m in another room sweating. And I’d adjust the air/thermostat/air conditioning/what have you but my parents bedroom is not only another season but another time period entirely (Paris before The War, if you must) (basically the problem is that the whole house is set up so their bedroom is a toasty 70 or whatever they like it at, the rest of the house be damned) and I’m afraid I’ll broil them or flash freeze them or whatever if I adjust anything.
In other news, there is no other news.
Oh wait, well there is this. Remember when I took up biking over the summer? And then I got back to New York and borrowed Dustin’s bike and named it Ernesto and it’s currently sitting in my kitchen and I don’t ride it because it doesn’t fit me well? Well my sister’s bike which fits me better is here in CA and yesterday my mom’s handy man who is 6’5″ or maybe 6’8″ and helps put up holiday lights and remodels cabinets and removes dead rats and is like family to us told me yesterday he enjoyed watching me on TV to which I responded that I simply CANNOT live like this, having to interact with fans in my own home. Then I stormed into my room, put on a parka and began shrieking.
Anyway, he got the bike down from the hooks where it normally hangs and so perhaps I’ll ride it as a way to offset the junk I fear I’ll be smuggling in my trunk this holiday season. Tusks mostly. And those tiny turtles which are illegal but so adorable.
And thanks to everyone who joined in the live Ustream show last night. That was fun!
The Daily Alison (Ep. 119, My mom and I went to Balboa Island again)
The Daily Alison (Ep. 118; Anchor Hair)
New Blog Column: My New Thing (plus other stuff)
As a tireless historian of my own antics I’ve decided to start a new blog column called My New Thing wherein I document my various activities as one would a toddler’s. So for example:
My New Thing: Waking up really early and moving to the couch and falling asleep there for a few hours.
My Old Thing: Frottage
In other news, this new hand lotion I’m using smells kind of like a diaper. Perhaps one day soon smelling like a diaper can be my new thing?
And in other other news, I have an audition tomorrow morning for something I really hope I get unless the casting director is reading this in which case, hey, no big deal, easy come easy go. Unless a more passionate attitude is in order in which case I’d totally trade my left diaper hand for this role. Or something.
And in other other other news, I’d like to tell you all about what happened when I blew my nose this morning however even I am going to draw the line at snot. (Drawing the line at snot is my new thing.)
And in other other other other news, I didn’t make it to Dustin’s pig roast yesterday because I’m a bad friend who cannot shake the lingering effects of this swine flu and I didn’t want to get reinfected by the guest of honor (the pig, not Dustin). I’m thinking of changing my email signature to, “Just so you know, eventually I’m going to disappoint you.” What do you think? Catchy, right?
In other other other other other news, I’m flying to CA tomorrow after the audition.
In other other other other other other news, I wrote a tweet wherein I said “Newtons, go fig or go home” which was really just because I wanted to make the pun. I later came clean regarding my fundamental okayness with various Newton flavors. Then I started thinking of more puns:
Sausage? Go pig or go home.
Archeology? Go dig or go home.
Stage lights? Go Klieg or go home.
Sticks? Go twig or go home.
Irish dancing? Go jig or go home.
I think you can see where that’s going.
Lick my back and slap me on a letter
Last night on the Ustream chat we talked to my dad about many things including his zest for stamp collecting. Has there ever been a more riveting sentence? Keep your pants on, you guys!
Anyway, viewer SimmaDownNa sent me a delightful image he thought my dad might enjoy but I think all of us will enjoy it, so I’m putting it here. The ooh-ing and ah-ing commences now.
