I love this video of the duck ring tone that interrupted Obama for two reasons;
1) When I was a kid I had a phone that quacked like a duck only it sounded like a Satanic electronic squawking, not an actual quack, but still.
2) “Is there a duck in here?” is one of my favorite euphemisms for asking if someone farted. Ooh, if I were less mature I’d condone fart sounding ring tones. Good thing I think that’s sophomoric and totally beneath me.
I’ll be on The Strategy Room in the noon hour tomorrow (Wednesday) and I’ll be on CNET’s The 404 on Thursday. In theory you could go to my appearances page and it would be updated with loads of great info and a fresh batch of brownies but I haven’t updated it or baked yet.
If I wanted to live in Seattle I would have moved there.
Hey designers and people who are crafty. I want to make t-shirts so we can all profess our love for me however I don’t know what they should look like. I think we need a logo. What do you guys think? What do you want to wear?
I’m thinking something like “Have You Had Your Daily Alison?” somewhere and maybe alisonrosen.com somewhere else? Clearly when it comes to merchandise, I’m just a consumer. Anyway, if you can design a logo and it’s awesome, that logo will appear on a shirt and you will get a free shirt and I’ll interview you on The Daily Alison (if you want. no pressure if you prefer your anonymity). So do your best work and send it to alisonmrosen [at] gmail [dot] com with “t-shirt design” in the subject line.
As today is Father’s Day, my guest will be my dad! However real life has interceded and so the awesome interview won’t be going up until tonight. Today’s Daily Alison will be a Nightly Alison.
And happy Father’s Day to all dads and happy Father’s Day to all moms too. And all ducklings.
Here I am smiling.
My friend Wendy Molyneux and her husband Jeff Drake and Brooke Dillman and Tuc Watkins made this hilarious video which I think you should watch if you enjoy laughing. If you don’t enjoy laughing, then please dip into my archives and read about when I nearly choked to death on a pickle.
Well it’s finally happened. Despite the fact that I’m hugely successful and everything’s all aces and shit’s going gangbusters and my greatest problem is that my wallet is too small to accommodate all my money (it’s like a fat lettuce sandwich… especially since last night I replaced the cash inside with lettuce) I had to call up the cable company and downgrade because I decided that a fun thing to do would be to pinch pennies.
Seriously, don’t throw anything at me right now because I won’t be able to catch it because my hands are busy pinching pennies.
So goodbye Hallmark Channel which I used to MASH on. Goodbye BIO channel which I always meant to watch more especially since I’m on you the time. Goodbye DIY channel—perhaps the cruelest salutation of them all since I enjoyed many of your shows even if I sometimes liked the before bathroom better than the after. Goodbye G4, which I also never really watched but enjoyed having the option of watching. Goodbye Travel channel—I never watched you and I’m sorry about that. What can I say now to make it ok? You deserved better. Goodbye National Geographic Channel—wait, maybe this isn’t goodbye? I hope not because I like The Dog Whisperer however if this is goodbye, please think of me fondly and I promise to do the same. Goodbye MTV2, Fuse, Reelz and all the HD channels. Maybe I should have appreciated you more while I still had you? Still, you were a comforting presence and now you just stare at me blankly, flashing that number I can call to purchase you. I will not be beguiled! Nor will I be seduced. We had our time together and it was sweet but I have to move on.
God, when will the pain stop? It’s been a good hour or more yet I’m still stuck in that place, thinking about the past.
Go here to find out more about the hilarious Amy Schumer.
And pretty soon I’ll be posting videos here so go there and look around and get used to things and make yourself comfortable, won’t you? (note: it’s currently being tinkered with by the amazing Andrew Mager so it might look weird if you click now but DO IT ANYWAY I dare you.)
Also, if you’re the twittering kind please retweet because the more people who watch The Daily Alison, the happier everyone in the entire world will be. I’m sure of it!
I think it’s going to go up later in the day so you should probably sit home and repeatedly refresh this page. Go ahead, cancel all your plans, I’ll wait.
My guest is someone who has real voiceover experience though… so you should already be excited. Are you? I am. I’m easily excitable though. Some might even say jumpy.
Also, I’m closing in on purchasing a REAL trash can!
I have two catchphrases. They are: 1) I’m sorry, is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting? which I used on Red Eye when a certain Sherrod Small was talking over me and 2) Don’t spit in my eye and call it bukkake! which is a line from my stand up routine. I’m sorry if this is your first encounter with the term bukkake. My dad thought it was “some kind of Polynesian flower.” That was an awkward conversation. Oh and I suppose, Oh hey, I didn’t see you there, which I use in my intros on The Daily Alison has catchphrase potential. What might you catch with these phrases?
lint
bugs
heat
flak
fly balls
hair
paperclips
crumbs
spinach
arugula
frisee salad
fool’s gold
dried flowers
those pieces of paper from spiral notebooks that are left behind when you pull out a sheet so I guess you’d call it squiggly paper. I mean, you wouldn’t but I would.
tinsel
Wait, this post is going in one direction and I’m going in another. What I meant to say is that I don’t actually use these catchphrases however I have them at the ready in case my career takes me to some kind of place where it’s necessary that I emblazon a t-shirt with a catchphrase. I’m so ready, Beefy T manufacturers.
Anyhoozles, last weekend I went to the Webutante Ball which was this party thing in New York at the Empire Hotel on the roof. Care to hear about the weird thing that happened before we got to the roof? Yes, yes you would. And so you shall.
So we’re standing in the back of the semi-long line and a guy comes out and asks how many are in our party and then whisks us to the front of the line, past all the people who are lined up inside (including some of the web celebs nominated for Webutante king and queen) and straight to the elevator. “What just happened?” asked my friend. “Wait, how did that just happen?” she asked again. I also don’t know. I mean, I was wearing my look-at-me-I’m-important jacket but usually it isn’t jackets that get people to the front of a line. It’s tits. You know? Anyway, perhaps he thought we were someone else but regardless, it was better than waiting in line.
So we got to the rooftop and it was crowded and at one point we were pushing our way through the people to get to the other side of the party and as we were making our way over I saw a flash of a rhinestone tiara and heard a throaty, “HEY I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER!” and then suddenly there was whole bunch of poofy fushcia fabric headed my way and it was Julia Allison pointing at me and then giving me a crunchy fuschia hug as if we were long lost friends which we aren’t although in general I do prefer a big show of friendliness from someone I don’t know that well to a show of bitchiness from someone I do. That said, I do know her well enough that we used to occasionally get each other’s fan mail and used to be mistaken for each other which I never knew how to take. On the one hand I was flattered. On the other I was, um… I was wishing that people just mistook me for me. And to be fair, I’m not sure the fabric was crunchy. I don’t think it was taffeta. It’s just that it all happened so fast and then I asked if she’d won Webutante Ball queen or just brought her own tiara (it was the latter) and then she told me she’d recently watched my reel and stole one of my jokes. Hold it right there sister, I said out loud in my head. Turns out it was the “Is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting?” line and she said she’d used it in conversation with friends. I told her I’d be checking for my residual check when I got home.
I’m home now and I don’t see the check. Also would it have killed you to clean up a little around here? This is ridiculous. I also never said that, but I’m happy if people steal my jokes so long as they amend them with, “As the great Alison Rosen always says, [CATCHPHRASE HERE]” Snappy, don’t you think?
Anyway, tune in to tomorrow’s episode of The Daily Alison to see if I call Julia Allison on this catchphrase-lifting business although I can tell you right now I don’t.
That was a truly horrendous tease.