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In general, I’m in favor of calorie counts being posted on menus (as they are in NYC in most chain establishments) however last night the whole enterprise bit me on the ass as I found myself in a truly embarrassing restaurant in Times Square poring over a menu and realizing the only thing I could order that I wouldn’t feel terrible about the next day would be the chef’s vegetables for 60 calories. How am I feeling today? Terrible.

Here is the thing: I find it hard to believe that small steaming terrine of oil with a couple soggy green beans in it was only 60 calories. I also find it hard to believe those were vegetables or that this restaurant had a chef. If it did I take issue with his vegetables. If anything, it almost seemed I’d pissed him off by ordering this item. When I bit down I tasted anger. Anger and regret and canola oil. Probably not even canola oil. What’s a cheaper oil? Vaseline? I think these vegetables were served in a terrine of Vaseline. A Vaseline terrine.

So then upon realizing this wasn’t going to do the trick of putting anything into my stomach since I hadn’t eaten all day, I asked for a side of bread. Glistening soggy bread sticks were delivered sans calorie count. But as a professional dieter, I know lard when I see it (on my ass or on a bread stick). I had to then attempt to peel each bread stick to uncover the virgin center, untouched by oil or man. Then I’d dip the small bread pellet in the sauce, which actually had a vegetable floating in it. A green pepper sliver. It all comes back to green peppers, doesn’t it?

I feel I had something else to say? Did I?

You guys, I’m so sorry for not blogging with the frequency you’ve come to expect from me. I’m ass high in video editing right now and also tonight I’m going to see Will Ferrell on Broadway which makes two events in two nights so you can imagine how wiped out I am! Just kidding. Or am I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Also, I believe I had other stuff to say. Oh yeah, I’m working on my forthcoming McSweeney’s thingamaroo so when I have funny thoughts I now siphon them off to that column instead of instantly post them here which I know is a bummer. Except instead of siphoning them off and actually writing them, I just siphon them off into the corner of my brain where I put ideas and also old shoes and love letters and quarters. If it looks like my head is tilting to the right it’s because I need to take my brain to CoinStar.

Incidentally I’ve never actually used a CoinStar but my friends who were in a band called the Rome Apples wrote a song about CoinStar.

But I also have some things to say here that I just haven’t had time to say yet.

Oh! Also, new one up on Alison and Wendy.

Also, I love you guys.

I watched Heathers about a million times when I was a youngster and even wrote a paper about it in college so this news is pretty exciting.

In other less exciting news, where is Dustin? How are we supposed to vlog plus go to Throwing Muses when we’re only going to have time for Throwing Muses? Eh, that’s ok. My face feels red anyway (I’ve discussed this Rudolph syndrome with you, yes? Yes.)

Fuck You, Penguin

Does something bloom at about 10pm in NYC because this is the second night in a row my allergies are acting up at night. And by 10pm I guess I mean what feels like 9pm. In fact when I sneeze it’s really a nine o’clock type sneeze. It sounds like the theme song to Grey’s Anatomy, not Perfect Practice, if you know what I’m saying which I doubt you do. It also sounds like Frasier which I’m pretty sure was on at 9pm at some point. Maybe?

So why am I writing about my 9pm-but-it-was-really-10pm sneezes at three-in-the-morning- which-is-really-two-in-the-morning? Because my friend Scott who is a super duper computer guru helped me with some stuff and took control of my screen and said “Are you sick?” (we were ichatting with audio which I didn’t realize was a viable option because I’m still living in the past of one hour ago) and I explained that no, I’m just experiencing the kind of allergies one has when cats spontaneously bloom at 10pm. Cats and dust apparently. And those dander bushes, too. But the computer stuff took awhile. And then I wasted time doing I’m not even sure what.

So I’m tired is what I’m saying. And stuffed up.

You can read about it here: http://alisonandwendy.tumblr.com/

Also, I’m really finding those sets of teeth in that ad below to be both distracting and kind of gross!

I just cracked open an egg and the white of the egg is kind of orangish/brownish tinged. I wonder what this means? It doesn’t smell rotten. Anyway, if I die I’ll let you guys know.

Also, iMovie is seizing up on me. How am I supposed to make a slow motion flashback sequence if I can’t get the thing to save slow motion? Also not saving? Sepia tone. I should just rub egg white all over it.

Except it isn’t really egg white. It’s egg brown/yellow. You know?

Did I already mention I’m hating the ads? Totally hating them. I think they’re not long for this blog so click the hell out of them if you’re feeling fidgety because I think I’m going to have to send them to the virtual trash bin in the sky.

As of today I’m kind of hating the ads. I feel like my blog is a human pop up! Except it’s not human and it’s not a pop up. But you know what I mean.