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It’s literally less than one minute since I finished that that post and I have to admit I’m not really feeling hopeful. Determined, yes. Silly, maybe. Sleepy, definitely. Joke here, always. But hopeful? That was a reach. I want to feel hopeful. I want to put a hopeful foot forward. But for right now let’s just say it’s Monday and I’ve already blogged twice which is a hell of a lot more than you’ve done unless you’ve already blogged twice in which case are you feeling hopeful? Let me know. I’m pretty open to whatevs.

Okay so I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that the most recent hot streak did not continue uninterrupted as hoped. I have failed you and also, myself. But because I am 10 percent hair products and 90 percent GRIT, I am picking up right where I left off and resuming the hot streak. Here we go. Feeling very hopeful.

Today is one of those days where I would rather just lie in bed and do nothing however I had dragged myself to the computer where I am writing this blog post and also doing other stuff I have to do. But let’s focus on this blog post shall we? I can feel it’s going to be a thing of beauty and yet also be short. It’s the Salma Hayak of posts. Anyway, for the first time since starting Lexapro I am depppppprrrrresssssssssseddddddddddddddd. That’s how the mood feels. All stretching out and oozy and blah. It’s actually kind of amazing that I hadn’t felt any of that for as long as I’d gone. I forget now how long. 6 weeks? I could find out. Hold please. I started at the very end of July. So a little over 6 weeks. But it takes some time to begin working. Anyway, it really curbed the depression although it didn’t ameliorate the anxiety. But it helped. But now I feel blah and oozy and icky again. It started a couple days ago when we saw a funeral procession on the highway and then I was hit with a wave of sadness and I was like, “What is this feeling that I haven’t experienced in so long? Oh yes, it’s sadness.” And then I’ve been spiraling a little ever since in terms of taking a tour through all my old unpleasant-to-experience emotions and now here I am back home in depressionland and for me, depression is more debilitating than anxiety. Anxiety is uncomfortable and unpleasant but depression makes me want to not do anything. Hence the feat of writing this blog post. By the way lest you read this and worry about me, don’t. I am fine in the big sense! Just feeling a little blue. Also I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow which is perfect timing!

Um, anyway, now I’m wondering if this is how it’s always going to be with meds? They’ll work for short periods of time and then I will have to increase the dose until my body is 90 percent pharmaceuticals and 10 percent Refreshe Wild Cherry soda?

I still think it’s pretty amazing that I felt a freedom from this feeling for as long as I did because this is pretty much what I always thought being alive felt like (i.e. pretty crappy with moments of levity). I could say more and I feel I’m not quite articulating any of this as well as I could however I have to take a shower while Elliot’s babysitter is still here.

In sum: 1) I blogged 2) Don’t worry about me! 3) I shower!

By the way, this kind of feeling tends to go away when I’m working and specifically when I’m connecting with another human being and yet this feeling makes me averse to choosing to do any of that. But for past few weeks I didn’t feel this feeling even when I was all alone and doing nothing. Ok bye for real.

You guys I’ve installed the WordPress App on my phone so now I can blog from anywhere. For example right now I’m sitting in the living room watching Elliot play on the floor AND I’M ALSO BLOGGING!

Just popping in quickly to say I’m quickly popping in. Ta!

You guys my hot streak came to an end yesterday when I experienced an entire day without blogging even a once. Here’s the problem: a bunch of shit actually happened Monday night. I was enjoying this little niche I carved out for myself of blogging about nothing and mostly just remembering what it feels like to string words together in this way and then Elliot had what’s most likely an allergic reaction to the FUCKING BAMBAS MY GUT WAS TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE HIM and he became violently ill and we had to go to the emergency room and it was a whole scary thing. So naturally I can’t write about that because it’s actually interesting. I only write about stuff that isn’t interesting that no one cares to read about. It’s a poor choice but this is how it has to be.

In all seriousness I actually could write about it and probably will but I talk about it on the most recent episode of my podcast which will be coming out tonight.

You guys I’m writing ANOTHER blog post. Can you even? I can barely.

Elliot is napping right now and I gave him Bambas peanut cheeto things earlier because that’s what everyone’s doing now in the hopes of preventing peanut allergies or something so I’m going to need to get up and creep into his room and make sure he’s still breathing. Hold please.

Very much still alive which is quite a relief. First I looked at the monitor which showed him clearly breathing but I had to see with my own eyes. And now because there are workmen painting the outside of this building which means scraping and crashing about, Wendy is barking so I suspect Elliot will be up in no time.

How do I feel about this situation? Not great.

How does Doreen feel about it? She’s ecstatic which causes me to question her very fitness for this job of being a fictional mommy blogger.

Now the workers are scraping on the northeast part of the house and Wendy’s in the southwest corner barking it up. Specifically, New Mexico. Also I’m sitting at my desk and our office is adjacent to a bathroom and the door is open and I can see one of their faces in the window and I so badly want to close the blinds but I think that would be rude. I hope the man with the face is enjoying his up close and personal view of my nail polishes, all of which are various shades of dark red or white/pale pink. (He’s at the nail polish window.)

Now he’s risen above the opening of the blinds and I can just see his white paint splattered shirt which is kind of cliche if you ask me.

Also I just sneezed and he didn’t even say bless you. I am tempted to take a picture of him.

Outside My Window Right Now

See what I’m saying about the shirt?

Anyway, I’d love to sit here live blogging the window but I must go.

Just yesterday I said I was going to write about baby spoons today and here I am about to write about baby spoons. The productivity and sticktoitiveness that’s dripping from my every pore and puddling at my feet creating a potential for mildew and slipping is simply astounding. I’m like a human lifehack and at this rate I will be tasting the fruits of blogging success in no time.

So anyway, when it came time to purchase spoons with which to feed my baby, I went onto Amazon and bought the bestseller. I bought these Munchkin Soft-Tipped Infant Spoons and they can suck a dick. Good thing I have a million of them.

Dick Sucking Spoons

The handle looks like a toothbrush but it’s not the handle’s optics (we’re all using that word now, right? It feels ON TREND) that really piss me off, it’s the way the handle is weighted weirdly so if you place the spoon in a smallish or shallow bowl of baby food—which they all are—or God forbid a baby food jar and walk a few feet like say from the counter where you’re preparing the food to the high chair where your baby is sitting the fucking spoon can’t be cool and freaks out and hurls itself overboard, launching bits of baby food all over your kitchen or your living room if you’re dumb enough to try to feed your baby in the living room which I was until these spoons made me rethink everything.

And don’t even think about setting the spoon on the edge of the bowl which you will be tempted to do mid-feed because that spoon is slimy and probably sticky so where pray-tell are you going to set it down for just a second while you grab something? NOT ON THE EDGE OF THE BOWL because it will wobble dangerously and then catapult oatmeal onto your curtains. Also, the business end of the spoon is very deep which isn’t ideal for little mouths that are just learning how to get food off a spoon but I didn’t realize that was problematic until, frustrated, I bought these spoons:

GREAT SPOONS!

They’re the Munchkin 6 Piece Lift Infant Spoons and I bought them because you can set them down and the spoon head (for real, what is the spoon part of the spoon called? The shovel?) doesn’t touch the table. But then they arrived and I worried the spoon head (see previous parenthetical) was too big and flattish so I continued to use the awful spoons until I decided what’s the worst that could happen if these spoons are too big and suddenly it was so much easier for Elliot to get the food off the spoon since he doesn’t have to commit to an archeological dig to find the food.

So there you have it. Honestly thinking of returning to blogging about nothing however I had strong feelings about spoons and needed to get them off my chest.

My God you guys. It’s less than 24 hours after I initially announced my intention to start blogging again (technically slightly more than 24 hours) and I’ve already blogged thrice if you count this one which you should. It’s amazing I’m getting anything else done given my hectic blog schedule and yet here I sit having just taken a shower. You guys I’m showering and blogging. Also other stuff. Anyway this particular entry is merely a teaser of what’s to come because I have A LOT OF THOUGHTS about baby spoons and I am going to share with you said thoughts tomorrow. At least that’s my plan. Anything could happen though so who knows if Doreen will comply with Alison’s plans.

Actually initially I was going to write the baby spoonologues TONITE but then I looked at the time and once a gal gets gabbin about spoons who knows where the time goes and one minute you’re bitching (there will be bitching) about a particular bestseller and the next, 30 years have passed and you really need to pee. I think you see my conundrum.

Also while I’m being on the level as opposed to above or below it, I guess, I’ve had a stomach ache ever since I started taking Lexapro. It feels like constant mild menstrual cramps. Is that a thing? I realize I won’t be getting any answers since for now these blogs are hidden in plain sight on my website under the blog tab which no one clicks on anymore since it’s been SO LONG but once people discover these I can’t wait to hear your responses. It’s also possible I’m using my abs to give Elliot a bath which involves bending over in a sort of awkward way. So maybe that’s what’s going on? I don’t think it’s that though. Ok bye.

Holy shit you guys it’s less than 12 hours (technically it’s more than 12 hours) since my last blog post and here I am again, continuing the hot streak I started yesterday but doubted I would be able to keep up. At this rate I will have all the success I mentioned in my last blog post AND MORE in fewer than 5 years. I will likely be blond Doreen with her smug sassy aprons in approx 3.5 years. Where will Alison go once I’ve fully transformed into Doreen the Successful Mommy Blogger? I don’t know but I’ll keep you posted.

In all seriousness I’m having trouble being serious. One of these days I will fix that because the truth is I’m in A LOT of thera$$$py (unfortunately that word doesn’t have an S and so I just had to cram those $$$ in wily nily) and spending a fair amount of time working through thorny issues surrounding my identity now and the transition to motherhood and what kind of mom I am versus what I grew up thinking a good mom is (for example I didn’t become fully aware of this until recently but I think I grew up believing the only way to be a good mother is to stay at home with your kids and not have childcare because to have childcare is somehow selfish and a sign you don’t want to take care of your own kids. So fast forward to right now, when I have childcare because I work and there’s no way to get work done while simultaneously taking care of a baby, and it’s creating a whole blooming onion (particularly an awesome blossom) of guilt. But somehow I never considered how this was going to work before I had Elliot. I figured I would just keep going with my career, in fact maybe my career would even pick up steam because that’s what’s supposed to happen after you have a baby because culture loves mothers or something and also I would stay at home with Elliot and would do both seamlessly and perfectly which is like thinking while 2+2 has always equaled 4, somehow after having a baby it will equal 5 and I’m not sure how or why but it just will.

Should I go back to inconsequential word play? Also what should I do about the fact I never closed the parenthesis above? Find out in my next blog post! (Note: You will likely not find out in my next blog post.)