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Just yesterday I said I was going to write about baby spoons today and here I am about to write about baby spoons. The productivity and sticktoitiveness that’s dripping from my every pore and puddling at my feet creating a potential for mildew and slipping is simply astounding. I’m like a human lifehack and at this rate I will be tasting the fruits of blogging success in no time.

So anyway, when it came time to purchase spoons with which to feed my baby, I went onto Amazon and bought the bestseller. I bought these Munchkin Soft-Tipped Infant Spoons and they can suck a dick. Good thing I have a million of them.

Dick Sucking Spoons

The handle looks like a toothbrush but it’s not the handle’s optics (we’re all using that word now, right? It feels ON TREND) that really piss me off, it’s the way the handle is weighted weirdly so if you place the spoon in a smallish or shallow bowl of baby food—which they all are—or God forbid a baby food jar and walk a few feet like say from the counter where you’re preparing the food to the high chair where your baby is sitting the fucking spoon can’t be cool and freaks out and hurls itself overboard, launching bits of baby food all over your kitchen or your living room if you’re dumb enough to try to feed your baby in the living room which I was until these spoons made me rethink everything.

And don’t even think about setting the spoon on the edge of the bowl which you will be tempted to do mid-feed because that spoon is slimy and probably sticky so where pray-tell are you going to set it down for just a second while you grab something? NOT ON THE EDGE OF THE BOWL because it will wobble dangerously and then catapult oatmeal onto your curtains. Also, the business end of the spoon is very deep which isn’t ideal for little mouths that are just learning how to get food off a spoon but I didn’t realize that was problematic until, frustrated, I bought these spoons:

GREAT SPOONS!

They’re the Munchkin 6 Piece Lift Infant Spoons and I bought them because you can set them down and the spoon head (for real, what is the spoon part of the spoon called? The shovel?) doesn’t touch the table. But then they arrived and I worried the spoon head (see previous parenthetical) was too big and flattish so I continued to use the awful spoons until I decided what’s the worst that could happen if these spoons are too big and suddenly it was so much easier for Elliot to get the food off the spoon since he doesn’t have to commit to an archeological dig to find the food.

So there you have it. Honestly thinking of returning to blogging about nothing however I had strong feelings about spoons and needed to get them off my chest.

My God you guys. It’s less than 24 hours after I initially announced my intention to start blogging again (technically slightly more than 24 hours) and I’ve already blogged thrice if you count this one which you should. It’s amazing I’m getting anything else done given my hectic blog schedule and yet here I sit having just taken a shower. You guys I’m showering and blogging. Also other stuff. Anyway this particular entry is merely a teaser of what’s to come because I have A LOT OF THOUGHTS about baby spoons and I am going to share with you said thoughts tomorrow. At least that’s my plan. Anything could happen though so who knows if Doreen will comply with Alison’s plans.

Actually initially I was going to write the baby spoonologues TONITE but then I looked at the time and once a gal gets gabbin about spoons who knows where the time goes and one minute you’re bitching (there will be bitching) about a particular bestseller and the next, 30 years have passed and you really need to pee. I think you see my conundrum.

Also while I’m being on the level as opposed to above or below it, I guess, I’ve had a stomach ache ever since I started taking Lexapro. It feels like constant mild menstrual cramps. Is that a thing? I realize I won’t be getting any answers since for now these blogs are hidden in plain sight on my website under the blog tab which no one clicks on anymore since it’s been SO LONG but once people discover these I can’t wait to hear your responses. It’s also possible I’m using my abs to give Elliot a bath which involves bending over in a sort of awkward way. So maybe that’s what’s going on? I don’t think it’s that though. Ok bye.

Holy shit you guys it’s less than 12 hours (technically it’s more than 12 hours) since my last blog post and here I am again, continuing the hot streak I started yesterday but doubted I would be able to keep up. At this rate I will have all the success I mentioned in my last blog post AND MORE in fewer than 5 years. I will likely be blond Doreen with her smug sassy aprons in approx 3.5 years. Where will Alison go once I’ve fully transformed into Doreen the Successful Mommy Blogger? I don’t know but I’ll keep you posted.

In all seriousness I’m having trouble being serious. One of these days I will fix that because the truth is I’m in A LOT of thera$$$py (unfortunately that word doesn’t have an S and so I just had to cram those $$$ in wily nily) and spending a fair amount of time working through thorny issues surrounding my identity now and the transition to motherhood and what kind of mom I am versus what I grew up thinking a good mom is (for example I didn’t become fully aware of this until recently but I think I grew up believing the only way to be a good mother is to stay at home with your kids and not have childcare because to have childcare is somehow selfish and a sign you don’t want to take care of your own kids. So fast forward to right now, when I have childcare because I work and there’s no way to get work done while simultaneously taking care of a baby, and it’s creating a whole blooming onion (particularly an awesome blossom) of guilt. But somehow I never considered how this was going to work before I had Elliot. I figured I would just keep going with my career, in fact maybe my career would even pick up steam because that’s what’s supposed to happen after you have a baby because culture loves mothers or something and also I would stay at home with Elliot and would do both seamlessly and perfectly which is like thinking while 2+2 has always equaled 4, somehow after having a baby it will equal 5 and I’m not sure how or why but it just will.

Should I go back to inconsequential word play? Also what should I do about the fact I never closed the parenthesis above? Find out in my next blog post! (Note: You will likely not find out in my next blog post.)

I’ve decided I will be blogging more which is a decision I make slightly less than annually and of late I don’t execute the hot streak of non-stop blogging that I intend when announcing said decision and so I’m tempted not to even tell you. I’m tempted instead to be all quiet about it until suddenly it’s five years from now and I’m a critically acclaimed mommy blogger with multiple book deals, a merchandise line involving sassy aprons, webinars, Ted talks, 5 kids some of whom are likely multiples, a parrot because why not and more than one home. Also I will be blond at that point and my name will be Doreen. The thing is I don’t think I’m a mommy blogger. I’m a mom now, which is weird, and I have a website which has a tab for “blog” and I used to blog (and also vlog) frequently, so frequently that someone who’s on TV who was once my friend but then that friendship flamed out which is a longer story which I would love to be privy to since one day we were friends and the next we weren’t which apparently is kind of a pattern for this guy BUT ANYWAY we were all out in a group around the time I was really hitting the vlogs hard and I got up to use the bathroom which is my move when I need to pee and apparently he said something about how I’d probably posted 5 vlogs in the time I was gone. Or maybe, actually, he got up to get a drink and then came back and while I was out of earshot asked how many vlogs I’d posted while he was gone? The point is he made a snide comment about my voracious vlogging which was vigorous and vituperative. I’m going to have to look that last one up hold on. Holy shit it means bitter and abusive which totally works in this context although it’s a little more vociferous than intended. Uh-oh, hold again. It means vehement! Yet again I somewhat nailed it! I’m batting 1000 which is a sports reference. Anyway, that was the first whiff of our friendship falling apart and I forget what the next waft was but my point is I was doing Instagram stories and Snapchat when it was just called vlogging and it cost me a friendship.

But back to my blogging hot streak. I just read the above and it’s kind of hard to parse. Would Doreen employ frustrating run on sentences? Also, what kind of omelets would Doreen make? I feel like she does amazing things with farm fresh eggs and she collects egg cups.

Well it’s around that time that I’m going to need to no longer be writing this sentence but let it be known that it’s possible I will write more of them!