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Why I'm a bad photographer

By Alison Rosen on March 9, 2009 in photos

Every now and then I’m forced to confront what a truly horrible photographer I am—usually when looking at pictures I took. Here is the thing, as a writer I rely on indirection. Rather than just come out and say some guy is a douche bag I would likely get at that point by noticing some offhand exchange or moment which I would then weave into the story. I tend to notice the things that other people don’t notice. It’s my THING. Except not always. I mean, occasionally I would start a story with “So-and-so is a gigantic douche bag.” But So-and-so is the exception that proves the rule. I mean: That guy? He really is off the charts douchey.

But back to the photos. Instead of just taking a photo of the surface beauty, or even the thing I’m trying to take a photo of, I always do this thing where I try to get some kind of weird angle or weird juxtaposition or something and I imagine that it’s going to magically turn into awesomeness between the reality which I’m seeing with my eyes and the alchemy of the camera. It never does. I remember taking some pictures at the beach with my sister who happens to be a really great photographer (she’s shot some pics that have run alongside some of my stories) and she said, “pay attention to the light.” Then she pushed me into the water and when I got out I noticed my wallet and keys were missing.

So anyway, all that is a caveat about the below horrid photos.

So, back to the story of this weekend. I woke up on Saturday wondering who the fat ass in my apartment was and upon realizing I was alone, decided to go to the gym. Then I remembered I no longer belong to a gym so I thought it might be a good day to join one. Then I decided instead, since it was a nice day out, why not jog around Brooklyn and by jog I mean walk fast except for ten feet here or there where I decide to jog? So I embarked on a three hour power walk. It was pretty awesome and now I’m even more in love with Brooklyn than I was before, not counting the years I held a Brooklyn grudge which is a detail not germane to this story.

Whilst powerwalkjogging around I listened to my semi-buddy Doug Benson’s I Love Movies podcast. I recommend this if you like things that are funny involving movies that aren’t Dustin and my reviews.

Here is Grand Army Plaza. I’m totally going out of order, by the way. My dad grew up right near here.

Here is the bridge over the Gowanus Canal. It’s no Goldenrod footbridge, that’s for sure. [update: now I’m wondering whether that’s actually the canal or just Gowanus. You’d think I would know. But then you’d realize that there’s no reason you should have thought I would know.]

Here’s the view of lower Manhattan from the Promenade.

Here’s another Promenade shot. The promenade is really beautiful—something not really captured in this shot.

Another Promenade shot.

A water taxi. You know what I don’t like? Water taxis. Also, water ferries. Basically if you are relying on some kind of public transpo seafaring vessel to convey you from one place to another, I’m not into it. Do you hear me, Venice?

More Gowanus Canal.

A street in Park Slope.

A green room shot from tonight

By Alison Rosen on March 7, 2009 in photos

With the lovely Diana Falzone who is not my sister, though she and I were talking tonight about how people often think we’re sisters. This was taken at the end of the night when I had my coat on but she took a few with her camera before the show and promised to email them tomorrow. Get excited!

More photos from Red Eye last night

By Alison Rosen on February 28, 2009 in photos, photos from TV, Red Eye

Here’s where I made this thoughtful face.

And then here’s where I smiled in a way that looks nothing like me to me.

And then here’s where I said I tested positive for Stockholm Syndrome but had gone on to lead a rich and rewarding life. (The truth is that I had to get a mole removed but Stockholm Syndrome was the only thing insurance would cover!)

And then here’s where I said something else.

And then something else. Not sure what but pretty sure it was brilliant.

And then here’s where I was about to say something amazing.

And then here’s where I said something that made everyone start clapping and crying.

And then here’s where I ate my upper lip.

a couple green room shots

By Alison Rosen on February 27, 2009 in photos, photos from TV, Red Eye

“We look like bobble head dolls,” said Josh. Well, maybe he actually only said he did but I do too here. I didn’t realize I had the bobble head filter on. Also, this is the same green room as Geraldo uses. Did I mention I was on Geraldo? A bunch of times? (Not on the show a bunch of times, but mention it a bunch of times?). Why just tonight when Patty Ann Browne asked what I did for the Oscars, I said: “Geraldo!” Then I puffed up in a self-important fashion while Greg made an off-color joke. Also of note is the way this green room’s walls are actually green. How cliché.

Three green room shots where I look freakishly pale? Why yes, see below.

By Alison Rosen on February 23, 2009 in photos

Once more to the meringues

By Alison Rosen on February 18, 2009 in meringue experiment, photos

Last night in between going to fancy parties and reclining on my solid gold and diamond encrusted divan, I decided to turn my attention once more to the dangerous world of meringues. Think of meringues as a bucking bronco and me as the cowboy foolish enough to think I could tame them. Or think of them as a mechanical bull and me as someone in a bar. A bar which has a mechanical bull. Or don’t think of that at all. I can’t tell you what to think. I can only tell you that I’m making them without sugar, I’m using Splenda, hence the texture (wooden, cardboardy) and the taste (wooden, cardboardy) is truly out of this world.

Hey, are you the kind of person who likes to eat Popsicle sticks? I have some meringues for you.

Just egg whites, cream of tarter, vanilla, salt, Splenda, gravel, witch hazel, grout, caulk, plaster of Paris and a dash of turmeric.

Then I put the mixture in a pastry bag. While this pastry bag looks megaphone sized in this photo it’s actually only the size of a small bullhorn.

Birds eye view of the pastry bag with the meringue mixture inside. How did birds get in my kitchen?

Because I’m fancy and also disgusting, I decided that plain meringues weren’t enough so I also made some coffee flavored ones (the middle strips) and then I decided to see what would happen if I threw in some butter buds which is butter flavored powder which I think I can still taste today. I don’t recommend it, by the way.

These photos aren't as dark

By Alison Rosen on February 13, 2009 in anna david, natali del conte, photos

Please note the hot Rudolph action happening on my nose and also my cheeks a little bit. I still don’t know WHY it happens, but I can feel it happening. “My face is red, isn’t it…” I’ll say. And then the person I’m talking to will either say it isn’t and that I’m imagining it, or they’ll say ‘um, I guess kind of?’ or they’ll say ‘yes’ at which point I know I’m reaching angry tomato levels of ruddiness. Don’t be jealous!

Delightfully dark picture of Anna, me and Natali

By Alison Rosen on February 13, 2009 in anna david, name dropping, natali del conte, photos

Brighter photos to come.

Oh and last night Natali got recognized by someone which I didn’t think much of because she’s all over the place but then it turned out he’d specifically recognized her from Red Eye and upon hearing this—or rather upon Anna telling me this was what was going on—I tried my best to dangle my very memorable and arguably exquisite face in his sight line. I mean, I all but sat in his lap. But Anna Who Could See The Conversation And Make Out What He Was Saying told me that evidently he’d only seen one episode… featuring Natali.

It’s cool though because I recognized myself and made a big to-do until finally I had to have one of my handlers tell me to cool it because I was freaking out “the talent,” which is how I refer to myself to myself.