Wendy and I chatted about pants.
Also, I’m on Red Eye tonight.
Also, my toe kind of hurts.
Also, I’m uploading a couple videos of Diana Falzone and me right now but they are taking forever. FOREVER!
Here's a list for you to enjoy
So many things you guys! I think this calls for a list.
1. Wendy and I chatted today and whilst chatting she posted because she’s stealthy like that. She also taught me a new word: perseverate. This is a big deal because basically wherever I am I’m pretty sure I’m the smartest person in the room. It’s just the way it is. Does it sound vain? It should. But Wendy has now taught me three words I didn’t know so I think she might be smarter than I am. Dustin taught me one word I didn’t know. I always remember where I learn words. I often forget who I sleep with though.
2. The words were perseverate, herding cats (the phrase. It’s funny story because I told Wendy that I overheard someone saying working with someone was like “working with cats” and Wendy asked if the person said “herding cats” and explained that it’s a phrase). The other word was… hm… something you carry people around on. Like a rickshaw but not. Apparently that one didn’t take.
3. Dustin taught me the word concatenate. If I had more energy I would link to all these words but I don’t. My links aren’t very hyper today.
4. My McSweeney’s thing is up: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/
5. I’m really excited about the second installment of the above column which I’ve already written and is apparently in the queueueueueueueue.
6. That’s how you spell that word, duh!
7. I’m going to two parties tonight. TWO. Who’s fancy? I am.
8. So I’ve been given the opportunity to be one of those comics who comments on celebrity fashion disasters in Life & Style magazine. I’m brushing off my zingers and my ripsnorters as we speak. I have to send them a headshot though. Which one should I use? Help me decide! It will be small and black & white.
9. I’d just go with the first one except an agent once told me it didn’t accurately reflect my personality. It’s all I can do not to post the duckling photo right here right now, by the way.
10. If there’s another photo you think I should use, let me know.
11. Um, what else? Hm. Oh! Well I was working on my stand up set because I’m going to audition for a potential regular slot at a comedy club MAYBE and it turns out I’m pretty heavy on the pedophilia jokes. Who knew? Is that my niche? The super messed up twisted niche? It’s so not what I expected of myself. I may have to abandon all that and instead go in the other direction: jokes about carob.
12. Oh yeah so the store I go to sells zucchini but calls it green squash and I would like to know why. Does zucchini only refer to something specific, like champagne? Does it refer to squash that comes from the zucchi region?
14. See what I did there, number wise?
15. I guess I don’t have anything else to say.
I'm on Paltalk tomorrow. Also: other stuff!
I had a whole long post planned, one for which I even started a list on a pad of paper by my computer so I wouldn’t forget (it includes “headshots” and “zucchini”) however I’m too tired. I’m sorry. Please, no waterworks from the likes of you tonight.
Anyway, I also wanted to tell you I’ll be on Paltalk with Diana Falzone tomorrow at 11am ET. You can watch it here.
And of course I’ll be on Red Eye on Friday. You’re so excited it hurts.
When histamines attack
So it’s day 2 of crazy allergies from hell and so far I’m doing pretty well. Except for that rhyme which was unintentional and I hate it. Also, I’m in need of a manicure, girlfriends! I haven’t had one since I was maybe 17? Can you believe I’ve been wearing the same coat of nail polish since I was 17? If this nail polish could talk it would say… “I’m really old.” It might also say things that are more clever if my head wasn’t filled with cotton and my mucous membranes weren’t ready to attack. Have you ever been attacked by a mucous membrane? It only happens in England. Here you can be attacked by a mucus membrane. Anyway, it’s runny and disgusting and I think I’m going to make myself barf if I keep up with this.
I’m sorry, this is yet another post which didn’t live up to it’s post potential. Its postential. And now I’m off to get lunch with a writer with whom I’ve been planning to get lunch for about two years. Two years! I hope she hasn’t been at the restaurant this whole time.
Also… wait no, I’ll just tell you later.
Update: I'll be on Red Eye on Friday
And I don’t think this date will move around. Also, I’m tired. Also, it’s really cold in New York. Also, this couldn’t be less witty or clever if it tried. Also I had a dream that I was wearing retainers and orthodontic rubber bands. I blame Cathy’s teeth below.
Q&A vlog part 2
scroll down for part 1
Q&A Vlog part 1
sleep, movies, narcissism
Sometimes I’m just sitting there and a brilliant idea will come to me. I’m sure you know how it is. Just kidding, I’m sure you don’t, but I didn’t want to alienate you. It’s cool, we can pretend we’re on the same level.
Anyway, earlier I was just sitting there thinking that I feel really sleepy and that I really haven’t felt AWAKE in months which is weird and what’s that about and then I was thinking that if I were to make a commercial for a sleeping pill I would make the slogan… ok here it comes… get ready…
To sleep… perchance to sleep?
It’s probably been done already.
Unrelated, I once received a promotional lavender filled sleep mask-shaped pillow thing (when you work at a magazine you receive all sorts of weird stuff) and it said “Goodnight wrinkles” on it. I think it was promoting a dermatologist or eye cream or something so it made sense that as a music critic, I received it. Anyway, I remember my sister was holding it and put it on her eyes and as she was doing so said “Goodnight wrinkles… see you in the morning!” It still cracks me up.
Last night said sister and I saw I Love You, Man! which I could see again right this minute. I recommend it highly. It was cute and sweet and silly and smart and silly and cute and sweet. Am I repeating myself myself?
Also, I’m sleepy.
I’m doing Strategy Room tomorrow so I need to read up on all the entertainment stories. That’s really what I should be doing now. Right now. Also… um… dammit I had something else to say.
Anyone see Grey’s Anatomy on Thursday? Gross. And sad. But that wasn’t what I was going to say.
Oh yes! I remember. The lovely Anna David made a video where she talked about taking Dr. Drew’s narcissism quiz. I scored 13 which was a surprise to me and also a surprise to myself and also to me. I’m wondering how you guys score? I’m also, like Anna, wondering about the accuracy of the test because in many cases you’re given two choices and neither feels right. Anyway, I found a link to the quiz here.
Ford Fiesta Movement Contest
So there’s this contest where Ford is giving 100 people Ford Fiestas for six months and then they have missions to complete each month and they make videos about the missions. Could that sentence have been less articulate? It’s all these bugs in my teeth and the wind in my hair and the smell of gasoline that’s making me kind of dumb but also road savvy. Also I got a hair cut yesterday and I’m pretty sure they trimmed some IQ points off the end of my hair. That’s where intelligence resides, right? In split ends? Anyway, to enter the contest (and they reached out to me because I have a such an impressive web presence and I’m the queen of social media, of course. Also because I shove videos down your throat. Also because I have a camera?) you have to make a video explaining why they should pick you. Here’s my entry. Please love it.
I'll be on Strategy Room Monday at noon
It’s totally going to cut into my sitting around and doing nothing time!!!!!!!
Too many exclamation points? Probably. I’ve radically changed my opinion about excessive punctuation. I used to hate it. But now I’m okay with it. Possibly even more than okay, provided I’m the one overusing it. If you’re the one overusing it? I don’t know. Let me get back to you on that.
And now I have to go do important things.