The 404; media lunches; Red Eye
The 404 is totally using my name to draw people to their meetup event. I feel just like Kelly Bensimon on Real Housewives of NYC only I’m not tanned within an inch of my life and I’m not crazy. Well, not THAT crazy. Also I didn’t used to be a model and I wear bras. So I guess she and I aren’t so alike.
In other news I went to a fancy lunch today and was caught surreptitiously tweeting by the guy sitting next to me. “Are you hiding?” he asked, because I was crouched down hovering over my phone as if that wouldn’t be obvious. Also, everyone at this media lunch (it was in honor of three authors with new books coming out) was Someone and while I am Someone I am a different kind of Someone and so I felt kind of self-conscious especially when I explained that I’m illiterate. Then I spit out a tooth and told them that I’ve never been one for book larnin’ but I’m real good with my hands. Then I whittled a Grecian urn out of sweet butter and cremated a bread roll and put the remains in the urn. What kind of bread you ask? It was a rosemary almond loaf.
As for the small green cookies I regret that I didn’t grab more of them from the little cookie basket but I was trying to be ladylike.
Also, I’m on Red Eye tonight. It’s a last minute thingie. A last minute doohicky. A last minute foofaraw. A last minute whirligig. A last minute to do. A last minute affair. You guys, I’m totally doing this without a thesaurus! A last minute engagement. A last minute TV appearance. Uh oh, these are going in the direction of boring. A last minute thing. Shit, I lost it.
Look who's on page 80 of Life & Style!
Hint: it’s me! Look, there I am!
Also, I’m drinking diet rootbeer even though just a few days ago I said I didn’t like it but apparently now I do. In the words of Anna, when I explained to her that I can think I don’t like something and then all of a sudden change my mind, “Well now I feel like I can’t trust you!” Indeed!
Anyway, click on the above to enjoy my somewhat amusing face. Oh, and some words.
Say hello to my little friend
This was a gift from my landlords who are the best landlords ever and with whom I just spent a delightful Easter. What should I name him?
Upcoming posts will include
This is one of those blog posts where I write about what I’m going to write about. Like a to do list in a post! Here’s what you have to look forward to:
an explanation of why I have two of the world’s ugliest digital watches
a discussion of lame air instruments (maybe)
some pictures from Red Eye
a video of Anna and me after Red Eye
videos of Dustin and me
more me me me me me
a veritable me-palooza
a picture of me in the green room of Red Eye plus some screen grabs plus clips
um, there was something else
oh yes! I figured out what kind of dog I want! it’s a Bolognese. A dog covered in meat sauce!
sadly I seem to have settled on a dog which not only isn’t in shelters but isn’t really in America. I mean, it is, but it’s a rare breed and super expensive and I’m sure there’s a wait list and it’s not really realistic and so I won’t be getting this dog, I’ll just be blogging about it. Damn you, page 47 of the AKC dog book!
it wasn’t really page 47, I just made that up because I’m too lazy to go get the book and see what page this dog is on
have I discussed with you guys the way I keep moving the jokes around in my stand up set as if somehow I’m going to find the perfect formula? I’m truly fixing what isn’t broken and also driving myself nuts. And when I say fixing what isn’t broken that’s because obviously my stand up set is perfect as is and very funny. If you were to hear it you would probably die of laughter. You would asphyxiate on hilarity. You would choke on chuckles. You would gag on guffaws. You would triangulate on titters. If you were to recover you would probably point out that triangulate on titters makes no sense but you wouldn’t have a chance to recover because you’d be laughing too much.
Is there some kind of game going on? I hear game type cheers.
oh and Happy Easter!
The beeping menace
I mentioned a cheap digital watch I use to time things in the last post. Here it is. Still accidentally set to wake me up at three am until the day I die.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Speaking of dogs, dawgs
While rifling through my nightstand drawer just now I smelled something which suddenly reminded me of the way Woofie, my first dog, used to smell. It’s sort of disturbing that a Woofie odor wafted out of my nightstand but it made me happy nonetheless.
In other news I’m home from doing Red Eye and I’m good but kind of strangely banged up feeling due to aforementioned armpit trauma plus a headache plus I cut my head on a spoon (it’s a long story, one I talked about on Red Eye. Ok fine it’s a short ridiculous story) and also I ate some eggplant and apparently I’m allergic to eggplant or something else in the dish because the inside of my mouth sat up and said howdy if by that you mean got all inflamed. So yeah, I’ve been better. On the upside, I’ve taken the makeup off which is always a pain in the heinie. Heiney? Hiney?
Also I have this cheap digital watch here on my desk that I was using to time my stand up set and somehow in the course of figuring out how to use the stopwatch feature I’ve set the alarm and I can’t figure out how to turn it off. I’m thinking I might take a hammer to it. Or put it in the freezer. Or just yell at it.
I'm on Red Eye tonight; dogs
Remember how I was going to be on tomorrow night? Well I’m on tonight! Yay!
Also: I’m closer and closer to actually getting a puppy if by closer and closer you mean still kind of far away but seriously thinking about it. What kind should I get? Let’s all weigh in because not only will it be helpful and fun, but who doesn’t like talking about dogs? Assholes, that’s who!
Anyway, I’m looking for a small dog (under 10 lbs) that isn’t a jerk and has a working knowledge of social media. Some experience with video editing a plus but not a requirement. Preferably this dog will have four legs and a face. I’m not averse to poodles. I’m just not, though I’m averse to giving them silly haircuts. I like puppies. I’m not looking exclusively for a purebred and I’d like to get a dog from a shelter so I can feel good about myself however I’m beginning to suspect that the cute little puppies get adopted in two seconds flat, meaning the dogs that I would want are going to have no problem getting adopted, and it’s the hulking pitbulls with ads like “adopt this sweet little girl!” that sit in the shelter for awhile and the whole thing just makes me sad and makes me think of that commercial where Sarah Mclachlan sings and they show dogs making puppy dog eyes and I always change the channel quickly because it makes me sad and reminds me of the time I stupidly watched a video of dogs being euthanized because I was writing an article on pets and anyway, I’m still haunted by it and try not to think about it. All that being said, I don’t want to adopt sweet little 85 lb Sadie whose owner surrendered her (“we don’t know why, she couldn’t be sweeter! she’s a rambunctious bundle of energy looking for a forever home with lots of discipline, love and no children or other pets.”)
What was I saying? Oh yeah, I don’t know. Dogs, puppies, Red Eye.
Oh and I think my pithy bon mots are in the current issue of Life & Style in the Slip-ups section. I haven’t seen it yet though.
Brooklyn, fruit, fish and fetishes. And Leonard Nimoy.
The second installment of my McSweeney's column!
I thought it wasn’t going to run for a couple weeks but look, here it is! Yay for me!
http://mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/7column2.html
In other news I performed stand up twice this week in preparation for an upcoming audition. Am I innocent and naive and bumbling and lovable? Or am I knowing and sarcastic? This seems to be what I’m trying to determine. I have jokes which skew both ways and I’m worried the knowing ones are undermining the innocent bumbling ones. Hm. But aside from that it’s been pretty fun. And honestly, quite easy. Unless that makes me sound not grizzled and tortured enough in which case it’s been super painful and arduous. Grizzled? Huh?