Me: Can you believe I’ve been alive for this long?
My mom: Can you believe I’ve been a mother for this long?
Me: I can’t believe any of this has been going on for this long.
What I've been up to
What have I been doing since we last talked? Allow me to regale you with a list because I’ve been doing so much that the English language is barely sufficient to capture it all and I may have to snargle blarg snarf gleen!
1. Going to Balboa Island with my mom and Tobey and meeting all sorts of kids because Tobey is popular with children in a way that I never was, even when I was a child.
2. Looking these kids in they eye and saying things like, “I don’t want to freak you out but let me ask you a question, if I were your age do you think you would have liked me? Why or why not?”
3. Rolling my eyes and saying to the parents, “Looks like you’re raising a real winner there.”
4. Getting my hair straightened not with actual chocolate but with chocolate scented carcinogens.
5. Hush my mouth I shouldn’t even joke about that!
6. Bite my tongue I shouldn’t even hush my mouth about that!
7. Hold the phone I shouldn’t be biting my hushed mouth about that!
8. Pump the brakes who’s on the phone right now?
9. Keep your pants on and answer the car phone!
10. I wrote bants my mistake. Bants is funny. Nice bants!
11. You came in here like a bant out of hell.
12. By that I mean you were like a little pair of pants that hang upside down and flap around.
13. Oh also a friend and I invented a small squirrel named Mr. Pickles who craps in his diaper when he’s angry. It’s a special cinco de mayo diaper. I can’t really take credit for it, I just went along with it as I was too busy ducking the bants.
14. I went to a bday party for a 9 year old and saw a whole bunch of friends and then gave birth to my own 9 year old and also played Ms. Pacman.
15. Rubbed the side of my nostril at dinner because I had that uncomfortable pre-zit feeling and then my friend Trevor who I referred to in the last post and who wasn’t only my prom date but is one of my best friends grabbed my hand and said, “stop.” But was he saying that because he thought I was actually sitting at the table picking my nose? Because I wasn’t. This was a strictly superficial nostril massage, the kind that screams “appropriate for fine dining.”
16. Not that I really want to go into the intricacies of zits here but have you noticed how some seem to take forever to do their thing but then others are speedy? I felt an oncoming zit that night and by this morning it’s already sent me a card thanking me for allowing it to spend the night on my face. That’s better than some guys!
17. That was a terrible joke, I’m sorry.
18. Yeah so at dinner the seafood tower arrived and unfortunately it was just some stuff on ice which ruled out playing Jenga with it, which I kind of wanted to do. The crab came in a little terrine of dry ice so naturally my dad leaned forward and inhaled some dry ice and then blew it back out in a way designed to get as much attention as possible. The part where he motioned to the waiter and then did it and then smiled? Apparently the waiter was entertained, as were the entire table of people next to us however I turned right back into a high schooler and said “DAD!” and then tried to make my body as small as possible and hide behind the table cloth. The adult part of me said, “Wait, can you blow dry ice rings?” (Answer? No, only dry ice puffs.) I didn’t ask about dry ice French inhaling because I didn’t want my dad to hurt himself.
19. Not that I’m beyond reproach. I totally turned into an asshole and got all picky about which table we sat at.
20. I pretty much only turn into an asshole around my parents and around my birthday.
21. I wrote some jokes.
22. Oh, so I’ve been bad about scanning and uploading all of this but I’ve been doing the celeb slip ups in Life & Style every week so if you’re near a Life & Style, grab that shit.
23. What else have I been doing?
24. Um… I went to the tide pools and walked around with my friend and her daughter and then we went to her house and I almost played Uno but I didn’t. They had an automatic card shuffler. Remember when I was trying to teach myself fancy card shuffling?
25. I gained 35 pounds give or take 35 pounds.
26. I slept under a keyboard.
27. I went shopping even though I hate shopping.
28. Ok so it wasn’t exactly sleeping under a keyboard but sleeping near a keyboard and then waking up almost under it.
29. Thought about how I haven’t twittered enough while also trying to explain twitter to people here which is never a very satisfactory conversation to have.
30. Went to a crazy Cinco de Mayo party on Cinco de Mayo.
31. Swallowed wrong and coughed a lot. That just happened and now my throat feels irritated and my eyes are wet and my paws are cold and I’m not holding my tail up. Also my coat isn’t glistening. I hope it’s not parvo.
32. Or kennel cough. I definitely don’t want kennel cough.
chocolate and nostalgia
Hey you guys. I’m so remiss in posting and my head is swirling and my hair smells like chocolate. That’s not figurative. It literally smells like chocolate because I got it straightened with actual chocolate. They just squirted chocolate syrup all over my head and then smushed it around. It’s all the rage in Brazil apparently. The thing is that I asked them to leave the nuts off and then next thing I know everyone’s putting their nuts on my head. And I could do without all these flies, you know?
So I’m starting to get the OC confusion I get when I’m here too long and I start attaching willy nilly like some kind of suction cup that only sticks to things on the West Coast that once were a part of my life. Does that make any sense? I could probably explain better but I’m late to go to dinner with my parents and the guy I went to prom with. See what I’m saying?
See, for the first couple days I was here I had a head full of New York and was like, What kind of vacation is this if my head hasn’t given up all this junk?” And now New York feels so far away it kind of scares me. But then I’ve been here before and usually once I’m on the plane I’m plunged back into my old life which is my new life but you know what I mean. Unless you don’t. Also, I’m not loving “plunged” but couldn’t think of a better word.
And do I have a puppy yet? No.
Anyway, just wanted to say a quick hello. I’ll be back to regular blogging and perhaps even being funny very soon, I promise. I miss all of you!
Write up about Wednesday's show
Here’s a little write up of the show I’m going to be performing at on Wednesday. Little do they know I’m going to dab vinegar and water behind my ears!
Things I'm not doing right now
I’m currently experiencing a dearth of pith which is a shame really, as I need to turn in some pithy one liners by tomorrow morning. If only I needed to turn in papers on a desk or board games, both of which I can see a lot of from my seat at my mom’s computer. I could go on about things I see but that would just be procrastinating and I’m if I’m going to procrastinate I’d rather do something I feel passionate about, like saving the kangaroos or having tantric sex. Or having tantric sex with kangaroos who I’ve saved.
Go ahead and judge all you want, but have you tried it? Once you get past the feeling of, “hey, I’m having sex with a kangaroo and it’s lasting a really long time and is that weird,” it’s fairly mind blowing.
Oh, these bruises? No, not from that. They’re from being clumsy and thin-skinned and apparently not knowing where I end and other people and things begin. You think I’m joking but I’ve nearly taken out two people and an end cap at a grocery store on this trip. Everything in California is just closer to me, literally, than in New York. It’s as if I’m on rollerblades and suck at rollerblading only instead I’m on foot and suck at walking/standing.
Did I mention I need to write something remotely clever but I’m not feeling clever? I think I did.
I could text a friend, not to get clever ideas but to pass time, but I refer to my above statements about kangaroo sex and passion. If I’m going to dilly dally I should really be doing something I prefer. Like watching Gossip Girl. My parents are recording it for me though.
Or instead of texting a friend I could call another friend who I’m overdue in contacting. I should really do that. Or text the other friend. Or call another other friend. As a friend, I kind of suck right now. As a person who writes clever things I also am kind of sucking right now. As someone who is sitting near an adorable dog, I’m kicking ass.
Ok, it’s time to attempt the cleverness again. Then it’s kangaroos.
Look, a post with tons of photos!
It seems to me I’m way overdue in terms of posting. Allow me to rectify that with a crapload of photos.
In this one I made my friends pose for a photo with me and then I took it and this is what came out, thus proving I only have eyes for me. Sadly this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
Here I am with my friend Yami.
Here’s me and Yami in the foreground and Matt in the background. I’m telling you, I’m kind of gifted when it comes to photography.
Here’s me and Yami and Jo.
Here’s Tobey looking up at my mom and being adorable.
Here’s me trying on tons of sunglasses at Costco.
And then I decided I wanted to put one of these in the middle of my living room
Here’s the dog park where my parents take Tobey. Sadly he doesn’t like dogs. He’s afraid of them.
Here’s a really agreeable balcony we saw on Balboa Island.
Here’s a little boy pointing to the seals that had taken over a boat near the island.
Here’s the boy playing with Tobey, who happens to be beloved by children. He’s like the Velveteen Rabbit, only real. Okay maybe that wasn’t the best analogy. Anyway the next day this little girl came up in a stroller and began talking to Tobey and my mom and after they chatted for awhile (she also had a Maltese but it died, it was named Pebbles after the TV she told us) her dad said, “Say goodbye now.” She looked at my mom and me and said, “bye bye” and then looked at Tobey and said, “woof woof.” It was one of the best things I’ve seen/heard in a long time.
You can kind of see the seals here, but only kind of. If you look between the two white posts they’re the dark mass closer to the right post.
Here’s the view of the water from the little island. There’s a big island and a little island on Balboa. I think there is at least. I’m terrible with directions and geography and topography and cartography and calligraphy an
d epidemiology and psychology and hagiography and biology and yoyology (study of yo-yos)
Here’s Tobey in the car.
Here’s a photo from the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. I spent the longest time trying to come up with a leprechaun pun and then gave up.
Ducks at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
Cherry blossoms at the BBG.
More cherry blossoms.
Okay so I’m posting these out of order. Here’s a photo taken a couple nights ago in California in front of Detroit, which isn’t in Michigan, it’s in Costa Mesa. We were standing there and then this woman came up and took our photo. I can’t remember why we went back to back. Probably because we were fighting crime.
And then here I am on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. Have I explained that I got a call at 8am to be on air at 9am? I’m still talking about it. They didn’t even have time for mascara. Thank God I’m so naturally effervescent and also modest.
And then here’s where I made this face.
And then here’s where I smiled as if desperately looking for approval.
Here’s where I said something magnificent.
Here’s where I was incredulous and/or waiting for my turn to speak.
I wrote this post from the back of a pig
Oh hey everyone. I’m writing this post from the back of a pig. As you’ve likely heard by now, swine flu doesn’t come from having contact with actual swine, however no one really believes that and so the line for pig rides was super duper short. I’d be a fool not to take advantage of it!
You’re probably wondering a few things:
1) Yes it smells.
2) No, not like bacon.
3) A saddle, duh!
4) Bessie
5) She’s about five which in pig years is… hm… anyone speak pig?
6) Thus far we haven’t stumbled on any truffles but Bessie isn’t blind.
7) It’s quite relaxing really. I feel close to nature and sort of grounded because the pig is fairly low to the ground and yet the feeling of the wind whipping through my hair is liberating and also exotic. I could get lost in the rhythm of the pig’s loping gait.
8) To be honest, I could do without the attitude though.
9) Aloof. That’s how I’d describe it. Aloof and entitled. Like it’s going to take a little more than me to really dazzle this pig.
10) Not that it really matters what this pig thinks of me but I mean, what, does it mean nothing that I was a national merit scholar? Huh, pig? Is that not good enough for you?
11) Uh oh, there’s a mud patch up ahead.
12) Yes, a mud patch. Just go with it.
13) Uh oh, I’m getting a call on the pig phone. Anyone know how to answer this thing?
14) Just a regular ring, not an oink. That would be silly!
15) It’s my mom. She wants to know if I want to go to Costco.
16) How did she even get this number? That’s curious.
17) I’m going to turn around and ride back to the pig stables now.
18) No, not a pen, that’s a myth. These pigs live in a stable.
Heckler; birds
Hey blog readers. How’s it going? Anyone tell you how great you look today? No really, you’re glowing. There’s a certain radiance about you. Also, you smell fantastic. Like lilacs and dryer sheets.
Here’s a link to my Mike and Juliet appearance. http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/its-the-monday-morning-mix-8/ Don’t judge too harshly. Need I remind you that they called me at 8am and I was on TV at 9am? It was all dreamlike. All dreamlike and shit.
Last night I watched Jamie Kennedy’s documentary Heckler. I recommend it highly to anyone who’s ever felt thin-skinned or felt the need to sling mud at people in the public eye. I put myself in the former category and yet the irony is that I’m also a critic, or rather, have been paid to be one and have written five thousand music reviews and some fewer than that film reviews and also book reviews and other kinds of reviews. But I’ve never really been a dipshit about it. And now that I’m sort of in the public eye I’m finding that the things people write about you have a way of really really getting under your thin skin and making you want to hide and not keep putting yourself out there, which is what the movie is all about.
I’m sorry, I just got distracted by a weird noise that I think came from my stomach and sounded like a bird sitting on some eggs. I think there are hens roosting in my stomach! Or maybe not hens. What’s a bird that coos? A pigeon? I’m going to ask my dad. Hold please.
Pigeons and doves. That’s what he says and he would know because he’s old. No offense, dad.
So yeah, there are pigeons and doves in my GI tract. AWESOME.
I guess that’s all I have to say right now.
I posted a couple pictures today on twitpic. You guys saw those, right?
hobbies, a list, a blog, a new column
Hey bunions. Is that the first time I’ve addressed you by your chosen handle? I think it might be. Anyway, I’m in California where I’m feeling a little sorry for myself because it’s my new favorite hobby right behind water yoga and archeology. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh yeah, if you’re so into archeology then how come you never talk about going on archaeological digs?” Well first of all, some of the digs I go on are top secret and second of all, it’s very hard to get internet service when you’re in a gigantic ditch. Oh, look what I found here, a postcard I meant to send you from the last dig I went on. Want to know what it says? I’ll transcribe it. It says:
“Hey you guys. I’m on an archaeological dig! Don’t try to find me because I’m totally on a dig right now!”
See? So can we please just let it go?
Okay, so let’s get to the meat of all this.
1. Dustin has a blog which he’s been quietly working on but I’m sick of all this quietude. Go read his stuff! He’s been reviewing films and actually watching them first. What a traitor http://www.dustingoot.blogspot.com.
2. I won five bucks in Vegas! Five clams! Five smackaroons! Five big ones! Five dollars!
3. Tobey is as cute as ever.
4. See, I thought it would be super duper fun to have a layover in Las Vegas. It really wasn’t. I gambled for about ten minutes and then sat at the gate and fantasized about what I’m going to spend my winnings on. Probably a dream house and a sports car.
5. The flight from Las Vegas to Long Beach was delightful though because it was pretty empty. As much as I like people, which isn’t very much, it’s great when there aren’t very many of them on a flight.
6. Tobey does this thing where he stands on his back legs and kind of pumps his front paws up and down in the air. He should get a job at Hot Dog on a Stick if those are still around!
7. I’m just kind of confused and a little down and just like, “What am I doing with my life and who am I and what’s going on and given how freakishly gorgeous I am, am I living up to my beauty potential? When I stare into the mirror and only I stare back, is that selfish of me? Is there some way to give all the needy people in the world mirrors where when they look in, they see themselves but also me? Perhaps me giving a thumbs up sign?”
8. I imagine you probably don’t understand what I’m talking about since it’s very metaphysical and also something which probably only occurs to the top one point one one one point three point twelve point nine percentile of the population.
9. My parents have a great coffee maker. I’m in love with their coffee maker. I’ve made like thirteen cups of coffee with it in the last hour. Now I’m shaking and I think I might throw up. The coffee is that good.
10. Not really. I only had three cups.
11. And four red bulls.
12. And half of a five hour energy supplement.
13. Is my new McSweeney’s column up yet? I’m going to go check.
14. It is! I totally thought it wasn’t going to be! But it is: http://mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/29column3.html
15. Maybe I should take a shower.
16. Nah.
17. I have some photos I should upload but I’m too lazy right now.
18. But I still love you guys.
Pics from Friday's Red Eye and other stuff
Here’s where I said that I think ducklings are cute.
And then here’s where I said that I used to hate bell peppers but now I like them, can you believe it?
And then here’s where I said that I’m drinking coffee out of a new mug which is sort of low and wide and has polka dots on it and after I bought it I found out that it’s not a coffee mug at all, it’s an “ice cream mug.” I’m using it for coffee anyway because I don’t play by the rules.
And then here’s where I said that while scientists inventing a glow in the dark puppy is somewhat cool, it’s yet another example of science being out of step with public demand because have they made any progress on a time machine?
But see, I actually think I have a pretty good understanding of the significance of this transgenic dog—and it has very little to do with the fact that it glows in the dark, and everything to do with the fact that they took something from a sea anemone and put it into a dog and got it to act the same way in a dog that it does in a sea anemone (i.e. glow) and this has huge ramifications for one day doing stuff like taking the genetic material that produces my lustrous hair and putting it in a dog and then creating a dog with amazing Alison hair and then studying it. And maybe I should have talked about that instead of time travel? I just don’t want people playing God with my hair though.
Oh, and when did all this G.D. business start? In my day we just said God Damn. Or Golly Gee. Or Gee Willikers. Or For Fuck’s Sake.
Also, I think I’m becoming a regular at a restaurant in my neighborhood and the last time I went I mentioned to Dustin that I was considering ordering the same thing I always order (braised loafer with pennies) and maybe I should branch out and he said that I could become a “regular” ordering my “regular” and I’ve never been one of those! Maybe it’s time? Then of course I entertained ideas of being an eccentric old lady who always comes into this restaurant and sits at a certain table and orders a certain thing and does something eccentric. What would it be though? I’d have to be small and unassuming probably, yet have contributed something notable to culture such as a series of detective novels featuring a female detective and her companion who happens to be a gecko with paranormal insight. What’s that called when a witch has an animal that has powers? Her second? Her minor? Her… um… hold while I consult with my friend, the internet. Her familiar! Yes, that’s what I mean.
Do I have other things to share with you at this time? Hm. On twitter I’ve been posting links to dogs I’m falling in love with. Here are two, however don’t let that stop you from following me on twitter because I base my self-worth on my follower numbers.