With  Natali Del Conte at Anna David‘s book party. I could tell you more, and oh, I shall, but it’s been a long night made longer by the way I waited for the subway for fucking ever because I’m on a sad little budget and then realized that lo and behold it wasn’t ever going to come. Not ever. At least not between the hours of late and later this month because of late night track work and also it smelled like the worst kind of rotten cheesy feet down there and everyone had their  noses buried in their shirts and it was one of those nights where you pinch yourself because you’re living the dream if the dream is to be struggling in New York waiting for a train that’s never coming while sniffing cheese feet. But before all that it was fun.

What kind of fun? Well Seth Herzog made a joke about putting boots on an octopus, hence ‘pus in boots which is still cracking me up. And Doug Benson was there and then left and then came back, that’s how much fun it was. And I ran into Amelie Gillette with whom I worked on a TV show in Canada and we reminisced about Canada which is never not fun even if mostly what I remember is that it was all early in the morning and dreamlike. But fun! And I drank some coffee late at night. “She’s trying to wake up,” Doug explained. “Yeah, so I can go to sleep,” I further explained, confusing  myself. It totally worked though because now I’m tired and awake!

On that note I’m going to go sit in the corner and rock back and forth while yelling at my shoulder. I might tug at my shirtsleeves too. Then I’ll nervously pick at my face while crying.

Also, wow! Could this photo be any larger? I don’t think so.

Also, I promise I’ll be funny again soon. Any day now.

Okay so I’m at a cafe with my laptop being one of those people who sits at cafes with their laptop getting stuff done. Based on a scientific survey of myself, I can tell you a little about what those people who sit at cafes on their laptops actually get done:

Not much.

I plan to rectify this soon by going parachuting with my laptop. I figure the sensation of the wind whipping through my hair and probably giving me some kind of air wedgie will break this seal of inactivity.

Crap, I just remembered another thing I haven’t done which I need to do: buy a parachuting outfit. What, you think I can parachute in this ballgown? Never again. This is strictly a sitting and looking pretty crinoline.

Did you? Because I sure missed you. I missed you so much that I added the paypal donate button to its own page. I realize that logic is tenuous and you might not realize how my offering you a chance to donate money to me is a sign of how much I miss you but you see, I work in mysterious ways. Just go with it. In exchange for your donations I promise to keep being funny and delightful. Perhaps I could sweeten the deal by promising never to sing? Never to make you eat meringues? Never to cheat on you with other readers? I’m joking however I’m going to start offering media training, speech writing and public speaking coaching services so if you know anyone who needs help getting ready for an engagement, send them my way!

In other news I’m very sleepy and I need to write my McSweeney’s column and last night I ate some shrimp that had heads on them. I removed the heads before eating them but still. Actually, I have more to tell you about the shrimp heads and dinner and a realization I had on the way home which involves retainers but I think I’ll save that for the candlelit dinner I plan to have with all of you tomorrow morning.

I love you.

Do you think that’s a good breezy sign off? I think so too. Or should I go with something more casual like:

Don’t leave me!

It’s cheerful, right? Ends on an up note?

Ha. Haha. Ha. Get it? My back end? Do you get it? Would you get it more if I said:

Heh. Hehe.

Anyway, this isn’t actually about my tuchus or my heinie or my derriere or my caboose. It’s just about the blog. I love it because the photo of the blog makes it look like I write a gardening/cooking blog as opposed to one about butts.

Perhaps you’ve noticed things look a little different around here? That’s because I got breast implants and poured a bottle of Sun-In in my hair. Also, I got gold teeth and had some of my fingers removed. Just the ones I wasn’t using. I just wanted a change. Also, this blog is now on WordPress which is why things look different and some things are missing and I can’t stop crying. Hold me?

Thanks.

Things should be looking amazing and neato-er and running smoothly and even betterly soon.

I love you.

I know you guys would rather see photos of the fictional skinny-dipping incident instead of the very real sticker attack however I can’t seem to find them on my camera! My camera erased the fictional photos! Stupid piece of technology!