Navigation

Subscribe to my Substack!!!!
Check It Out!

This is why I'm angry at my eye

By on June 4, 2009 in freelancing makes you weird, paltalk

Crossing one eye used to be one of the things I did for fun. Other things in my fun repertoire? Raising one eyebrow, blowing spit bubbles off the end of my tongue, wiggling my ears, squishing my nose to demonstrate how squishy it is, making myself burp and for a very short time I juggled. Also there was the whole thing with the fancy card shuffling. Now in telling you all this I’m not trying to brag, though I imagine a certain amount of respect is flowing from you to me right now, I’m just stating the facts. The facts are that I’m fairly amazing. Or at least I was. You see, these days when I try to cross one eye I’m noticing something alarming.

9

My eye is lazy in terms of not being lazy. It’s like I have a lazy eye, that’s how normal it is. You know? Instead of very clearly heading one way while the other one looks straight, I just have a vaguely crazed look going on. I’m kind of beside myself.

8

Here I am at Paltalk yet again not effectively crossing one eye. Hope springs eternal I guess.

10

Still, it was depressing enough that I grew pensive….

12

And felt the need to hide under multiple hats…

11And then I took some calls.

Continue Reading

Posts in a blanket

By on June 3, 2009 in Diana Falzone, did I mention I was in a band?

Hello my little cocktail weenies. How goes it? Wait, I’m not sure I want to address you as cocktail weenies. Hello my little water crackers? Clearly I’m working in the realm of hors d’oevres right now. And while we’re talking about that I got into a little debate with one Doug Benson last week because I insisted that pigs in a blanket are cocktail weenies in puff pastry and he claimed they’re sausages in pancakes and then said it was a regional thing however I’m from the same region he is so don’t be pulling any Best Foods/ Hellman’s shit on me, you know? I mean just don’t. Just take that shit you are about to  pull and just stop pulling. I insist. Anyway it was kind of a backburner sort of debate until I pushed it into a big thing because that’s what I do for fun and I recall various other people being drawn into the debate in the bowels of Caroline’s which looks like the bowels of any other big club I’ll have you know. Specifically it looks like the bowels of the House of Blues in Anaheim, CA where my band played a few times. Oh, did I mention I was in a band and that I know famous people? Allow me to get that out of the way a bunch of times.

Anyway, it was decided that pigs in a blanket are sausages in pancakes in the morning on breakfast menus and cocktail weenies in puff pastry later in the day. Should you be holding an actual pig and you put it in a blanket then not only are you thoughtful (i.e. you don’t want the pig to get cold!) but that sounds adorable and I’d like to see it. If it’s a piglet, so much the better.

So where was I before dropping names and celebrating myself? Oh yes. I was saying hi.

Wait, back to the adorable piglet in a blanket. How cute would that be? I mean, that would be very Charlotte’s Web cute.

But just wanted to say hi because I feel like I’ve been doing vlogs so much that I haven’t really posted text wise. So here I am. Things are good. I’m tired. Um…

Wow, this is awkward. I mean, I figured it might be a little stilted but not this and you just sitting there doing that thing you do is not helping matters. Oh don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. That thing. No, not that one, the other one. Yeah, that’s the one. There you go again. I could just choke right now I could.

Oh and also! I’ll be on Paltalk tomorrow at 11am ET with Diana Falzone. Show up in the chatroom, won’t you?  Here’s a link. http://blog.paltalk.com/paltalkshows/advice/the-diana-falzone-show/

Continue Reading

The Daily Alison (Wherein I play tag and then interview Anthony Pignataro)

By on June 2, 2009 in memories, nostalgia, OC Weekly, The Daily Alison, The Shirt, video, vlogs

Anthony Pignataro and I used to work at the OC Weekly. He always wore shorts, hence the invention of his alter ego, Tony LongPants, who wears pants. I think this amused the rest of us more than it amused Anthony, as you’ll see when I bring it up. Anthony lived in Maui for many years after Orange County and worked as the editor-in-chief of the Maui Time Weekly. He’s written a book called Remember The Technicolor Dreamboat: And Other Tales of Maui’s Misfits featuring some of those stories which you can buy here.

Related reading?

I briefly mentioned graffiti. This is the story I was referring to.

And the headache dance is referred to here.

And here’s Anthony’s account of the Rick Dees run-in.

Continue Reading

I'm a vegetable narc. Also, here are some photos.

By on June 2, 2009 in comedy, photos, photos from TV, Red Eye, TV, video, vlogs

Green room shot at Geraldo

So I’m overdue in posting some photos. The above is a green room shot from Geraldo. It’s actually a makeup room in the green room shot. Note the wee Josh Groban behind me.

Want to see a gross pepper?

Oh and here’s the world’s ugliest red-or-is-it-green pepper. Do you see it? If I knew how to put arrows into photos I’d do that but let’s see here. If you aren’t seeing it, it’s directly to the left of the cabbage heads in the middle row. I don’t think this photo quite captures its horrifying freak of nature quality. It looked like it had a green tongue sticking out of it. And then when I went to snap a photo I’m pretty sure one of the grocery store guys took off to alert the boss in the back that there was some kind of vegetable narc on the premises. That’s fine. I’m kind of a vigilante vegetable narc. I make a citizen’s arrest of this pepper. Do not stare directly at this pepper.

Here's why weekends are confusing and kind of suck lately

And this is why late nights are confusing lately. Maybe? I don’t know. I’m too fired up about the pepper to really think about whether this is the sign that captures the confusion or not however basically it’s very easy to misread these signs (there are a few different ones) and end up standing on a platform for a train that’s never coming which isn’t a metaphor but when it happens to you it’s impossible not to feel like it’s a sign of how you’re living your life, instead of a sign about how you misread or don’t read signs, which is also a sign.

With Mike Rouse and Billy Zoom

Oh hey and this is X’s manager Mike Rouse, Billy Zoom of X and me in the green room at Red Eye. Here’s an article about how I know Billy.

With Billy Zoom

And then here’s Billy and me.

One of these things is less high than the other

And here’s Doug Benson and me. We were totally baked in this photo except for me. Thanks to his being in town I saw two plays and a comedy show last week. Left to my own devices I might have just taken photos of atrocious vegetables.

Oh and kind of related by not entirely but kind of: I’m trying to get the word out about The Daily Alison so if you enjoy it please tell your friends and if you don’t enjoy it, please try to enjoy it. No, try harder!

Continue Reading

The Daily Alison (Day 11; Wherein I emerge from a rose bush to interview Matt Nathanson)

By on May 31, 2009 in video, vlog, vlogs

I’m posting this before the video has finished processing so give it a little while before clicking. In today’s video I not only humiliate myself as is my way, but then I talk to Matt Nathanson whom I know from college. I went to Pomona College and  he went to Pitzer. Back then he had long hair and watched Northern Exposure and we used to have these long heated debates about things but for the life of  me I can’t remember what they were about. I just remember a long car ride where I was driving and he was in the passenger seat and my friend Jessica was in the backseat and I think she wanted to die because of all the almost yelling. It’s weird. I’m really not like that anymore. I think Matt liked to give me a hard time about stuff though. Probably some guy that he claimed I had a crush on that I said I didn’t really have a crush on but who I actually did have a crush on. Did that make sense? I think I dragged him to see some not very good bands (in addition to good bands, if you happen to be a good band whom I dragged Matt Nathanson to see years ago).

Anyway, now he’s all famous. I remember when it happened. I went to try to see a show of his last minute unannounced (my showing up was unannounced, not his show) and I couldn’t get into the goddamn place because it was sold out. I called his ass up and he came and got me and in the course of that he was swarmed by fans. I’m sorry, I’m distracted by the woman practicing opera singing across the street. There’s a lot of trilling and warbling going on.

I think I have more to say and more to link to however I must go now. More later!

Oh and enjoy the way I forget a very common word, won’t you?

Continue Reading

Let's talk trash

By on May 31, 2009 in couches, dustin, helpful home tips, packing, Uncategorized

When my sister and I filed for our imaginary trial separation she kept the garbage can and I kept the cheese grater. I don’t grate cheese but I’ll be damned if she’s going to get everything, you know? And since then I’ve had this situation going on.

7

Every time Dustin sees it he says, “I see you still have the hanging trash bags.” It’s almost as if he finds it unsightly. The truth is that I also find it unsightly though and so I need to get a real adult trash can. One that smokes and drinks but also goes to bed early. I’m thinking I want one of those fancy stainless steel numbers with the pedal. They’re expensive though and I don’t want to throw my money away. Get it? A trash joke!

So here’s where I turn to my trusty readership or refuse-familiar dude bros to ask for some suggestions for what kind of can I should get. Won’t this be fun? I think so! Sort of like when I went insane with the couch. Yay for us all!

And I’ve already lined up a special guest for today’s vlog! Woohoo!

Continue Reading

Site: Todd Jackson | Art Direction: Josh Holtsclaw | Original Logo: Kezilla | Show Music: Tom Rapp