I have two catchphrases. They are: 1) I’m sorry, is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting? which I used on Red Eye when a certain Sherrod Small was talking over me and 2) Don’t spit in my eye and call it bukkake! which is a line from my stand up routine. I’m sorry if this is your first encounter with the term bukkake. My dad thought it was “some kind of Polynesian flower.” That was an awkward conversation. Oh and I suppose, Oh hey, I didn’t see you there, which I use in my intros on The Daily Alison has catchphrase potential. What might you catch with these phrases?
lint
bugs
heat
flak
fly balls
hair
paperclips
crumbs
spinach
arugula
frisee salad
fool’s gold
dried flowers
those pieces of paper from spiral notebooks that are left behind when you pull out a sheet so I guess you’d call it squiggly paper. I mean, you wouldn’t but I would.
tinsel
Wait, this post is going in one direction and I’m going in another. What I meant to say is that I don’t actually use these catchphrases however I have them at the ready in case my career takes me to some kind of place where it’s necessary that I emblazon a t-shirt with a catchphrase. I’m so ready, Beefy T manufacturers.
Anyhoozles, last weekend I went to the Webutante Ball which was this party thing in New York at the Empire Hotel on the roof. Care to hear about the weird thing that happened before we got to the roof? Yes, yes you would. And so you shall.
So we’re standing in the back of the semi-long line and a guy comes out and asks how many are in our party and then whisks us to the front of the line, past all the people who are lined up inside (including some of the web celebs nominated for Webutante king and queen) and straight to the elevator. “What just happened?” asked my friend. “Wait, how did that just happen?” she asked again. I also don’t know. I mean, I was wearing my look-at-me-I’m-important jacket but usually it isn’t jackets that get people to the front of a line. It’s tits. You know? Anyway, perhaps he thought we were someone else but regardless, it was better than waiting in line.
So we got to the rooftop and it was crowded and at one point we were pushing our way through the people to get to the other side of the party and as we were making our way over I saw a flash of a rhinestone tiara and heard a throaty, “HEY I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER!” and then suddenly there was whole bunch of poofy fushcia fabric headed my way and it was Julia Allison pointing at me and then giving me a crunchy fuschia hug as if we were long lost friends which we aren’t although in general I do prefer a big show of friendliness from someone I don’t know that well to a show of bitchiness from someone I do. That said, I do know her well enough that we used to occasionally get each other’s fan mail and used to be mistaken for each other which I never knew how to take. On the one hand I was flattered. On the other I was, um… I was wishing that people just mistook me for me. And to be fair, I’m not sure the fabric was crunchy. I don’t think it was taffeta. It’s just that it all happened so fast and then I asked if she’d won Webutante Ball queen or just brought her own tiara (it was the latter) and then she told me she’d recently watched my reel and stole one of my jokes. Hold it right there sister, I said out loud in my head. Turns out it was the “Is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting?” line and she said she’d used it in conversation with friends. I told her I’d be checking for my residual check when I got home.
I’m home now and I don’t see the check. Also would it have killed you to clean up a little around here? This is ridiculous. I also never said that, but I’m happy if people steal my jokes so long as they amend them with, “As the great Alison Rosen always says, [CATCHPHRASE HERE]” Snappy, don’t you think?
Anyway, tune in to tomorrow’s episode of The Daily Alison to see if I call Julia Allison on this catchphrase-lifting business although I can tell you right now I don’t.
That was a truly horrendous tease.
