I was reading this Tim Ferris motivational something or other and it was saying that you choose the thing that’s been on your To Do list the longest and do it first thing in the morning and don’t let yourself take a break or have lunch until you finish it. Tomorrow I won’t be taking a break or having lunch till I publish a book.
Weight loss tips and tricks
1. Steal a tip from the stars! Don’t eat for 5000 hours prior to a big event.
2. Donate a kidney. Fill body cavity with lettuce or baby spinach.
3. Going to a party? Stick your belongings in a pita and use it as a stylish clutch. If you get hungry, nibble on your handbag. Your fear of having nowhere to stash your stuff will prevent you from overeating. Or splurge and stuff your items into whole wheat ravioli. Who’s that headturner reaching for her cell phone in her pasta?
4. Another party trick: Only eat what can fit comfortably on a cocktail table.
5. Practice this mantra: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels… except food.”
The Daily Alison (Karaoke! Face licking! The Greg Wilson!)
Time for a transformation
I woke up this morning feeling like I’m ready to make a change in my life—and by that I mean I woke up feeling… nay, KNOWING, that I want to change my ringtone. It’s time. I just don’t quite know what I want to change it to, and I’m trying to be okay with that emptiness.
In other news, last night I met up with someone I went to grade school with who contacted me on Facebook. I went to high school with him but have little recollection of it as he was on the football team and I was on pep squad and during rallies I was just concentrating really hard on splits and balancing and so there wasn’t much time to notice anything else. That was pretty much my whole high school experience: splits and balancing. But also I think I’ve blocked high school. I wasn’t really on the pep squad in case this is your first time reading my blog. What I do remember is that he and I were both in our 8th grade musical. Also he sat behind me in fifth grade. Now he’s married and has three children. I’ve been married three times and have nine children. The whole thing was fun but it made me feel old.
Then I saw Greg Wilson perform at a club in Times Square which was cool (he was really funny) except afterwards he kept trying to lick my face. I should have been wearing my bike helmet/man repellent.
The Daily Alison (Bike Farts!)
Ok so I realize this episode may horrify some of you however I can’t stop laughing even when I watch it because I have a very refined and mature sense of humor.
The Daily Alison (Where The Greg Wilson has an aversion to dogs)
For more on The Greg Wilson go here.
Unless that doesn’t work for you in which case you could go to his myspace page.
Wire taps and rude cashiers
I would never want to be wire tapped however if I were to find a bug on my phone that was actually in the shape of a bug, I would have to admit it’s clever. Invasive but clever.
In other news, the woman at the grocery store who is so deeply unpleasant verging on belligerent that I go out of my way to avoid shopping there when she’s working was strangely friendly today. I suspect someone talked to her about her foul attitude—something which I debated doing—which just proves my theory that if you want something done right, just wait for someone else to do it.
A very domestic post about paper towels
Because I am messy and trying to save money I tend to buy the cheapest paper towels I can find because I’m not worth it. Then sometimes if my nose is running I’ll grab a paper towel and chafe the hell out of my face. That is beside the point.
So the other day there was a sale on Viva paper towels, which everyone knows are the best, so I really couldn’t afford not to buy them. No really. I did the math. I crunched the numbers. Had I not bought these paper towels I’d be out on the street living in a shoe box eating shoelaces.
So I hauled my two-ply booty home—and the paper towels—and promptly spilled water all over the place. I reached for the shitty paper towels as I still had some left and old habits die hard and I wasn’t going to waste the new paper towels on something so prosaic as spilled water (I was planning to use them to sop up liquid gold from leather seats of my Ferrari. “Damn you!” I’d yell at my pet who spilled the liquid gold. “No wonder you’re on the endangered species list!’ Then I’d juggle diamonds to bring my heart rate down.) Anyway, I was throwing the cheap paper towels down on the water and using the remaining half of the roll and feeling like I was just pushing the water around, not really picking it up. When I ran out I had no choice but to open the new special occasion paper towels. Two sheets cleaned up the whole mess. I don’t mean to sound like a commercial but it was kind of amazing. Then I started wondering if it’s cheaper in the long run to buy expensive paper towels because you use fewer? Then I started wondering if it’s cheaper in the long run to just use wads of cash to sop up spills? Then I started wondering if it’s cheaper in the long run to hire a cleaning lady so you can lie around on your divan eating figs and reading mystery novels? Then I started wondering where to buy figs? Also, mystery novels?
So anyway, that’s pretty much all I have to say about paper towels.