Blog | Alison Rosen

I'm now on twitter

By Alison Rosen on August 7, 2008 in Uncategorized

I started a Twitter account because I feel like the world needs more ways to feel pseudo connected to me. Also, is it raining? Because the air conditioner in this living room sounds like a vacuum sucking up pennies. Maybe it's raining pennies? And cats and dogs? That would be both dangerous and damaging to even the most hearty umbrella.

But back to twitter. It's www.twitter.com/alisonrosen. I know my parents are going to read this and have a zillion questions about twitter so I'm going to answer them:

Yes. Don't know. Just because. Kind of. Yeah. On your phone. But also on the web. Doesn't matter. I don't know. No difference really. Yeah.

Also, I spilled mustard on my shirt and also discovered that if you mix splenda into mustard you can make low calorie honey mustard if you're into that. I just like it plain, on my shirt. Oh and guess what asshole is taking the jitney? Not this asshole! I'm taking the Hamptons Luxury Liner. It's not even a boat, can you believe it?!?! I'm going to wear a life preserver just in case though.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Diamond as Big as The Jitney

By Alison Rosen on August 6, 2008 in Uncategorized

ME: Have you been to the Hamptons?
DUSTIN: never, actually
ME: I have to go out there for a story on Saturday
and I’m trying to figure out the best way to get out there
DUSTIN: are there multiple ways?
ME: yeah. either LIRR, renting a car or taking the Jitney which for some reason I don’t want to take
DUSTIN: it’s not an inviting name
ALISON: no
it sounds like goiter
DUSTIN: it makes me think of a clattery train through India
ME: yeah
like The Rickshaw
DUSTIN: that would have no ac in 100-degree summers
and like, rail ties missing and stuff
ME: there would be stories of cannibalism
DUSTIN: The Cannibal On The Jitney
that’s an award-winning short story waiting to happen
it’s about upper middle class ennui

Something I learned about apartments/real estate

By Alison Rosen on August 5, 2008 in apartments

The term pied-a-terre has nothing to do with gardens, apples, potatoes or feet! (It has to do with rich people!)

More Easy Pickles

By Alison Rosen on August 4, 2008 in apartments, pickles

Yesterday I wrote about how I misread a shop sign and thought it said “Easy Pickles” which I then imagined making frequent reference to when discussing running errands however just now I realized a couple more uses for Easy Pickles.

1) As a response to “cool beans.”

Person number one: I just bought these new Guatemalan pants
Person number two: right on
Person number one: cool beans
Person number two: easy pickles

Now, perhaps that’s not quite fair because in the above example both person number two and number one are of near equal levels of irritating as evidenced by the immediate use of “right on.” Here’s another, perhaps more realistic scenario:

Person number one: I’m going to check my mail
Person number two: cool beans
Person number one: easy pickles

2) As a passive-aggressive way to make someone feel vaguely self-conscious, along the lines of “easy, tiger!” but less playful, more insidious

Person number one: I’m going to eat some Cheetos!
Person number two: Easy, pickles!

Person number one’s inner monologue: “What? Did he just called me Pickles? I don’t get it. Should I get it? That’s weird. Do I eat too many Cheetos? What does that have to do with pickles? Do I smell like dill?”

For maximum mindfuckery I’d recommend tossing a THERE into it like this:

Person number one: I’m going to play xbox
Person number two: Easy there, pickles!

Today I was that a-hole with the camera

By Alison Rosen on August 3, 2008 in apartments

I wandered around Astoria today trying to see if would want to live there. Here are some photos from my journey.

In this first one I thought, “A pet store!!”

But then as I got closer I realized it’s totally not a pet store

And then here’s a cute street

And another

Here’s where you eat before you die:

Another cute street!

Some adorable whatever-they-ares:

And then back in Manhattan I discovered that Duane Reade is readying itself for bikini season

Easy Pickles

By Alison Rosen on August 3, 2008 in apartments

Today in Queens I passed a store called “Easy Pickins” but at first I thought it said “Easy Pickles” and I was imagining living near this store and how before long it would just become part of conversation and not even sound weird or funny to me when I talked about picking up my groceries at Easy Pickles or dropping off my clothes at Easy Pickles or getting my imaginary dog groomed at Easy Pickles. As is perhaps clear, I wasn’t sure what kind of establishment Easy Pickles would be, but I’m pretty sure I’d frequent it.

Then I had dinner with an ex in Brooklyn who casually let slip that to this day he remains a defender of my writing. Or maybe he said that he finds himself defending my writing. Whichever it is it just lodged in my brain like a grain of sand in an oyster, causing periodic discomfort and unleashing the full power of my ability to think the fuck out of something (defend my writing? what? who’s attacking it? no really, what did they say? huh? and the casual way you just tossed that off, as if I should know that people are openly disparaging my writing, as if perhaps I’m too sensitive for making an issue of this? I mean I guess that’s the price you pay for putting your words out there and as a writer I can’t expect that everyone is going to agree with me but it’s not like I’ve been courting controversy. Oh my God, do I really need approval this much? I don’t mean to make this all about me but can we back up and talk about that some more. No really, what?) and by the end of dinner I had a full-on brain pearl. I’m thinking of having it made into a tasteful brooch.

By Alison Rosen on August 3, 2008 in Uncategorized

I'm in Queens. A black cat just crossed my path. It's a good thing I'm not superstitious. (Weird Freudian typing slip! Originally I wrote 'suspicious'! And the funny thing is that I AM totally suspicious! Mostly about opening umbrellas indoors though. And strangers.)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A dog, shoes, and the promenade

By Alison Rosen on August 2, 2008 in apartments, dogs, photos

I was moving photos off my camera and onto my computer and found a few I thought I’d post. The first is Brooklyn Heights taken from the promenade yesterday when I was wandering around apartment hunting:

The second is a view of some trash in a trash can with the promenade in the back:

And then here’s Tobey from when my parents were here:

And here, too, is Tobey. Also? Some shoes.

I should get back to vlogging. I will do that soon, promise!

Dear Broker

By Alison Rosen on August 2, 2008 in apartments, letters

Oh goody! Time for another “Dear Broker”!

Dear Broker,

I’m sorry that when I asked the square footage and you said, “I like to approach it a different way, what are you trying to accomplish?” I sort of ignored your question and just asked my question again using different words (“Do you know the dimensions?”) It’s just that I didn’t quite understand what you were getting at—what cruel irony that I didn’t know what YOU were trying to accomplish—but now that I do, I can say with confidence that I’m trying to “accomplish” finding out the square footage or dimensions of the apartment.

Nothing “cozy” please.

Alison

It's very stressful for my houseplants

By Alison Rosen on August 1, 2008 in Uncategorized

Is anyone having trouble viewing my blog today? Do tell.

Also, is anyone else watching Date My Ex or Swingtown?

I spent all day wandering around Brooklyn looking at apartments. I just want Fred and Rita to have a nice home. Is that too much to ask?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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