My dream of an outtake reel from the recent MINI shoot is dying on the vine, time constraints being what they are, so I thought I’d just tell you about what would have been on the reel. The reel that you’ll never see. Did I mention you won’t see it? Because you won’t.

1) Me doing a whole demonstration of how quiet the engine is and then ending it by making a joke about how it’s “one horsepower.” Then me driving away and then driving back into the frame and explaining that I was just joking, it’s “normal horsepower.” Then me driving away and driving back into the frame and saying to Ben that the damn take would have worked if only I hadn’t said that dumb thing about horsepower.

2) Me taking the battery charging plug that you’re supposed to plug into the car and plugging it into my hip and then jumping around as if I were getting electrocuted.

3) Me draping myself over the car in a mock provocative way a la car girls at car shows. (Mockvocative?)

4) Me asking Jim if the car emitted patchouli fumes. He said no. (That was in the video). But then I asked him if it emitted marshmallows, butterflies, rainbows or Nagchampa (“it’s a kind of incense” I explained)

There was more, but now I have a headache.

I’ve written before about the glee I feel when someone says their face hurts and I spin around and say “Really? It’s killing me!” and how even when I’m the one whose face hurts I still feel that giddiness because I can insult myself over and over again. Did that even make sense? Probably not.

But yeah, my face is coated in makeup that I’ve been wearing since this morning and I’m waiting around to watch footage with Ben to see if we need to shoot anything else. I don’t think we do, however if I wash my face then we totally will. You know?

I did a lot of driving today… A lot of driving up and down the same block. I also gave a ration of sass to a German guy for not acting more excited to see me. He told me I had to give him a break because he’s been standing in a garage all day. I told him considering he’s been in a garage all day, seeing me again for the fourth time in the span of a couple hours should be a fucking WOOHOO type situation.

I’m sleepy, readers. Sleepy and hungry. I’d order room service but it’s closed and plus, I have to be up and at em and in a MINI E by 8am so I should just go to sleep and wake up more lithe. Who couldn’t stand to be lither? Not this guy.

(It cracks me up to refer to myself that way, I think, because it’s a very indirect reference to one of my favorite off color jokes. Perhaps I’ll tell you someday. Or maybe I won’t.)

Anyway, I flew here yesterday on Virgin America which was pretty cool save for the fact that the flight was like six hours. Yes, we got in an hour early but what no one seemed to realize is that clever Virgin America scheduled the flight to take seven hours which is ridiculous. So when we got in an hour early people were hooting and hollering but I was raining on their parade in my head and also judging them because it’s what I do. I’m fun like that.

The flight attendants were nice and splashy though. One befriended me on my way to the bathroom. I told him it was my first time flying Virgin. “Oh my God, you’re a Virgin virgin!” He said excitedly. Then he shouted to the rest of the crew that I was a Virgin virgin. I cried and asked him to hold me. Then he never called me again.

What was I saying? I don’t know.

See you at 8am!