Waiting politely for a chance to interrupt.
This never happens
After a busy day of making snow angels and doing nothing, I decided to cook and not only am I using the stove but I’m also using the oven. This is officially the first time I’ve used both simultaneously. I’m multitasking!
What am I making you might ask? I’m making paste on the stove and broiling shoes in the oven.
Not really. I’m attempting to make science my bitch by making meringues using only egg whites, cream of tartar, salt, splenda and bee spit and angora wool and thimbles. If I succeed I will be very famous. Just warning you. If I fail I will have created a delicious alternative to styrofoam peanuts.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
How do we feel about this?
By we I mean me. Is it cheesy or neato? I find most things are one of the two. And yes, I know I need help. It’s the Quinn sofa from Z Gallerie and it’s got silver nail heads on the arm, upping the neat/cheese quotient.
Part two of this morning's segment on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet
Part one of this morning's segment on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet
Where to see me on TV. Also, when to see me on TV.
Greetings my little yule logs,
I think this might be a repeat of info you already have. But anyway…
Just a note to say I’ll be on Red Eye tonight. So will Jim Norton. Please watch or else Jim will cry. (Red Eye, Fox News Channel, 3am EST, check local listings. This is on Thursday night/Friday morning.)
And then tomorrow morning (Friday morning) I’ll be on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet talking about how to look ten pounds slimmer for your holiday party. Tip number 1: stand next to a fat person. (OK so that’s not actually one of the tips. It’s just good thinking.)
(Check local listings for Morning Show with Mike & Juliet. It’s on from 9am to 10am in New York on channel 5. You can check local listings here: http://www.mandjshow.com/
Hope you’re staying warm unless you’re in a warm place and then hope you’re staying cool. I guess what I’m really saying is that I hope your holidays are room temperature.
Alison
Things You Never Hear Anyone Say
[NOTE: I slapped this up here without any context so just wanted to take a moment to say… there’s no context. I was just sitting around thinking of things you never hear anyone say either because they’re ridiculous or because they’re socially unacceptable. So I thought I’d make a list. This is that list.]
“Wow, nice toupee!”
“I find the way we’ve been introduced a number of times but you always act as if you don’t know me refreshing.”
“Oh goody, I was hoping your sister could come along on our date.”
“Gee, thanks for these holiday themed socks that play a song. They’re just what I wanted!”
“No need to pay me, boss. I put in a mind-numbing day of pointless work because I enjoy it.”
“Tell me again about your bunion!”
“Well I came to your party to see if there was anyone who could advance my career or who I could sleep with. Since there isn’t, I’m going to hit the road. Mind if I look in your medicine cabinet first?”
“I don’t know what it is but Urkel just cracks me up.”
“Actually yes, you do look fat in those pants.”
“Thanks for inviting me over and telling me those fantastically dull stories!”
“I thought we might have a future together but then I got to know you.”
“It’s you, not me.”
“Actually I am ready for a relationship, just not with you.”
“Hands down, the best thing about a cocaine-fueled orgy is the way you feel the next day.”
See me on The Strategy Room at 3pm today EST
You can watch it here. www.foxnews.com/strategyroom
And then I’ll be on Red Eye Thursday night/Fri morning and The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Friday morning. I’m totally infesting your TV.
Infest is a gross word. Even if you had an infestation of something cute, like ducklings. In fact I’d almost say a duckling infestation is an oxymoron. But it’s not. Just almost. You know?
More shots from The Strategy Room
These shots are also from Joe via The Activity Pit. I’m a lousy thief.
In the above shot I’m clearly making some kind of point. I fear it may have been the one involving my desire as a child to have pet pygmy marmosets because I saw a picture of them in the Guinness Book of World Records and how my parents suggested I write Joan Embery to see if this was feasible. It wasn’t.
Here’s the photo I mentioned.
And then here I am not making a point.
And then here’s a Santa potato head.
Here we are laughing at something.
Here’s Bill Schulz. Want to know what kind of friend he is? He’s the kind of friend who, when I said at the beginning of the show that I’m a frequent guest on Red Eye, acted as if he’d never seen me before. Thank God he’s a horrible actor.
And then something happened here.
And then somehow Charlie’s Angels was mentioned and then Jill Dobson and Melanie Notkin made the above gestures and then Jill said “come on Alison!” and then, even though I pride myself on having never taken a photo wherein two gal pals and I are pretending to be Charlie’s Angels, I lamely tried to mimic what they were doing so as to seem fun and sporty and easygoing. If the above photo could speak it would say “hey guys? is this what we’re doing? guys? am I doing it right?” And then it would laugh nervously.
Here I am posing with a menorah, apparently. I didn’t see this behind my head until I saw these photos. And what is my hair doing here? It can’t decide if it’s going behind my shoulder or in front. It figures that even my hair is indecisive. Also, I celebrate Christmas for those keeping track. I know it’s confusing.
Shots from The Strategy Room
Thanks to Joe for these! (I borrowed them from The Activity Pit. I have no intention of giving them back.)
