I’m noticing the rug looks all mottled in this photo but it’s just the way the light is hitting it. Also, I didn’t plan to bringing it with me from my last apartment because I don’t really love it however at the last minute I brought it anyway. But I plan to replace it someday.
Unpacking progress
I’ve been twittering about how I don’t want to unpack and how I’m really good at not unpacking but today I finally couldn’t take it anymore so I looked in my suitcase and then sat down and messed around on the internet. But then I returned and decided that it was time to remove the suitcase from the room and put it back where it belongs, in a corner in the kitchen. In order to do this I emptied all the remaining crap out of the suitcase and dumped it on my bed, where it still is.
Now see, you might be thinking that isn’t so bad, however then you look down and to the right and find this pile, which includes a suitcase that’s been sitting there since I went to Canada along with assorted whatthefuckall.
Perhaps I’ll clean all this up today. But I kind of doubt it. I’ve gotten really adept at stepping around it. Well, except for when I tripped over it last night.
The frizz was unspeakable
On New Year’s day I woke up really wanting to go to the DMV, bank and post office, but since it was a national holiday we opted instead to go to the beach and walk around.
We went down to the peninsula and it was really overcast, which I like, even if it’s murder on my hair. MURDER I tell you. Here are some photos.
It was so gray and foggy that it reminded me of The Rescuers
My cable is out
My cable is out. If this continues I may have to be productive which is really going to cut into my sitting around time.
How I spent the flight
Greetings my little pecan loaves. Last night I took a red eye flight back to New York. Normally I take flights that arrive late at night and then I suffer something I’ve dubbed “traveler’s melancholy” which is where I feel kind of lonely and overwhelmed with all my suitcases and thoughts. When I flew back from Canada last month the show put me on a super early flight which got me back in the morning and I realized I like arriving in daylight so I thought perhaps a red eye would be all kinds of awesome because I wouldn’t have to haul ass to get to the airport in time and I’d arrive with the whole day stretching out before me. What I didn’t quite take into account was how disoriented I would feel on the other side of the flight. But whereas the flight time from NYC to CA was a cruel seven hours, the time going the other direction was only four hours and twenty minutes or something like that and no, that’s not a pot reference. Although I snacked like I was stoned. You know what’s kind of healthy? The way JetBlue now offers hundred calorie packs of cookies. You know what’s less healthy? Eating three of them and a bag of munchie mix. I suppose it’s sort of balanced out by the way I only ate scrambled egg whites the day before because I was feeling kind of nauseous, if by balanced out you mean there goes all your hard work, fat ass. But anyway, would you like a breakdown of my activities in the air?
flight time: 4 hrs, 20 mins approx
flipped continuously through 36 channels of satellite TV: 4 hrs
worried that incessant channel surfing would annoy guy next to me: 2 mins
put on sleep mask and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off and then put it on and then took it off: 20 mins
debated snack options: 4 mins
picked through a bag of munchie mix looking for pretzels: 10 mins
ate a few cheetos from the bag. also, some doritos and sun chips: 8 mins
ate the whole damn bag which was NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN: 6 mins
yes, I know I spent about 24 mins with that evil bag of munchie mix which I wish I’d never opened
tipped my head back and poured munchie dust down my throat: 2 mins
ripped bag open and rubbed it all over my body: 2 mins
smeared orange grease under my eyes and ran up and down the aisles screaming: 3 mins
tried to wipe orange shit off my hands but realized I didn’t have a napkin: 1 min
remembered I had an old kleenex in my coat pocket: 1 min
fished around coat pocket but coat was around my legs like a blanket so finding pocket involved kind of feeling up guy next to me: 2 mins
explained to guy next to me that while it was fun, I don’t want to be tied down right now: 3 mins
wondered why everything was all wet in the bathroom: 3 mins
slept: 17 mins, GIVE OR TAKE
slept like a log thru landing so that when I woke up the lights in the plane were on and people were standing up and I was confused: 3 mins
I’m not even adding all this up because I know it’s more than the flight time. No wonder it felt so long!
More New Year's resolutions
Well folks, it’s that time where if you haven’t resolved to do anything next year you’re probably feeling pretty anxious. Fear not, below is a cornucopeaiaeoyia of resolutions which will satisfy all your resolve-related needs. Choose one or a few. Mix and match. Use them to straighten your hair or dress a simple salad!
I resolve to:
Figure out how to spell cornucopia
Figure out how to pronounce oeuvre without sounding like a yak in heat or a pretentious Frenchman
Figure out how to best dress for my figure
Figure out how to dress a bust for an event where people are presenting busts
Dust off those busts of classical composers which are on the piano
Buy a piano and learn to play it
Figure out how to prepare pears so they look less pear-shaped
Quit being so shallow
Prepare pears in a shallow dish
Do something with a sitz bath, something fun!
Sponge bathe your Hummels
Just have fun with it!
Just put it out there!
Just do it!
Be the straw that stirs the drink!
Drink less!
Drink only through a straw
Drink only through a crazy straw!
Make your own crazy straws out of bee spit and whale baline
Donate your time to something important involving animals
Like mastering Buck Hunt!
Pull off a major heist
Pull off a caper
Have a baby in the bathroom at prom but for heaven sakes this time clean up after yourself!!!!!!
If you sprinkle when you have a baby in the public restroom please be neat and wipe the seat, you know?!?!?!?!
Read more historical fiction
Organize thimble collection and sell any you don’t love
Fill your pockets only with things you use or love, like old records, vintage furniture and persimmons
Paint your thumb green and then build a hot house
Paint your thumb hot and then build a greenhouse
Build a pillow fort and have your mail forwarded to it
Buy a paper shredder and start using it to shred important documents, like books, keys and passport
Take the stairs instead of the elevator
If there’s no elevator in your house refuse to take the stairs like some kind of commoner
Only eat donut holes, not donuts
Only eat corn nuts, not corn on the cob
Only eat candy corn but pretend you think it’s real corn
Refer to corn as “maize”
I'm on the bio channel right now
On the Adam Sandler bio. Tune in if you're as into me as I am.
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Vacation blockage
Somehow this always happens when I’m away from home and by home I mean New York although sometimes by home I mean California but anyway I start to craft a blog post in my head and then it takes me forever to get it out of me and up on the blog. And the longer I wait the worse it gets. Remember when I had a story to tell you about prunes? Or something? Is this ringing a bell?
Anyway, perhaps tomorrow I’ll snap off a post (ok yuck. now I’m just being disgusting) about “How To Be Funny.” I’ve been writing it in my head for a few days and let me say it’s really a humdinger. A doozy. A ripsnorter. And more similar words.
Also, I went to Z Gallerie today to look at the Quinn couch and I didn’t like it as much in person but the crazy thing is that on the phone I talked to this kind of surly woman name Skye who told me to ask for Skye when I came into the store but since I wasn’t really picking up what this person was laying down I just asked the mind-mannered guy typing something on the store computer if he could help me. He was pretty helpful and also quite fem looking. I mean, amazing eyelashes. I told him I had to think about the whole thing and then he said he would give me his card and what’s my name? His is Skye! Turns out the unhelpful woman on the phone was a helpful man in person.
The Fashion Island tree
Like Rockefeller Center tree with fewer tourists, more palm fronds.
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