Me: Should I wear this shirt today?
Adolescent Magic 8 Ball: Reply hazy, I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN!
Anna and I worked in an office today and filmed ourselves
Today Anna and I worked in an office at an undisclosed location on a top secret project. It may have been the Manhattan Project. Was that tangentially related to fashion? It was, right? Anyway, we filmed ourselves even though we both really needed to pee.
Also, today we teamed up and interviewed a guy at the same time. Dirty!
I'm an asshole
In New York there is a special kind of asshole who takes a cab when it rains and tonight that asshole is me. This blog post? Written from the back of a cab. But I’m not just a cab-in-the-rain taking asshole because as I write this my jeans are stuffed into my uggs (and the fact that I even am wearing uggs is a whole other topic) but anyway they are stuffed in there and kind of poofing over the top in a way that suggests I might beg for porridge and then break into song. Also, it’s as if each leg has its own wee muffin top.
You should know that I took the train to the place I had to be today, so I’m only half an asshole, and the walk there was miserable times a million. I nearly lost my hand from frost and then when I got to the place I tried to take my coat off but I had no feeling in my hand and I was too impatient for my body to remind itself that I’m alive so I accidentally pulled the coat open and ripped the button off, Superman style. Apparently without feeling in my fingers I possess Herculean strength. Then I flipped over a couple of cars and got to work.
Discussions with an existentialist magic 8 ball
Q: Will today be a good day?
A: Signs point to what is the point of it all?
Things to think about when naming your imaginary pets
Earlier tonight I went on like six dates with seven guys and then I hit an array of parties, a few summits and one fête before coming home to think about good names for imaginary crime fighting puppies. How is a fête different from a party? If you have to ask you’d never understand. I mean, seriously.
I was thinking about names because I announced earlier that I’d never name a puppy Sal which seemed to ruffle a few feathers. Look people, I just wouldn’t and it’s not because I had a bad run in years ago with a broker named Sal. Wait, yes it is.
It got me thinking about… what was I saying? I’m very unfocused right now because the TV is on and there are people talking about the job market. More like there are people yelling at me about the job market. Also, there are words flying across the screen. It’s very dynamic. You know, if dynamic meant “so busy I want to throw my shoe at the TV.”
I’d throw the Magic 8 Ball but then how would I ever make a decision?
Me: Should I throw you at the TV?
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.
Um, so anyway I was going to tell you about the list of puppy names I’d made, with your help, back when my parents first got Tobey-who-didn’t-have-a-name and then I was going to explain that when naming imaginary pets you often have to see them first. For example, I’m currently the proud owner of a pair of imaginary mackerel named Bob and Kelvin. How did I get those names? Well, okay, confession: I overheard them introducing themselves to someone. But the point is that the names really do suit them. One day Kelvin told me he was thinking of going by Chaz and I was like, “Who are you trying impress, Kelvin?” I hope that wasn’t too harsh, come to think of it. I want to nurture his imagination while at the same time making sure he’s got a grip on reality and strong sense of self. It’s a delicate balance I suppose.
I feel mentally out of breath
I feel mentally out of breath which is a strange sensation since I’m not new to thinking, thoughts or stress, but the thing about taking the online Jeopardy quiz, which you have to take to be considered to be a contestant on the show, and let me just throw out there that I’m not even entirely sure I’d be eligible since I’m on TV however I don’t think I appear in any way that excludes me, aaaanyway, the thing about the quiz is there’s a second hand counting down each answer and there’s a giant Alex Trebeck sitting motionless on your computer and then there’s also theme music at the beginning and the end.
And how did I do? I have no idea and I’ll never find out, the web site makes that pretty clear, but I know I got a few of the more obvious questions wrong and a few of the more obscure ones right.
Goddamn you Simon Legree and Tospy, which book are you from?
And why oh why did I not write which president was in office in 1812 when it turns out my guess was correct?
And let’s not begin to talk about the House of Representatives shall we?
Or that thing about Mozart and the planet or the smallest great lake or the peak in the Alps or, um, the midwest state whose postal code is a preposition.
Am I ruining my chances by blogging this? Am I not supposed to repeat it? No one told me anything. I need direction, Alex!
Yeah. So clearly I probably won’t be appearing on Jeopardy. Although there were 50 questions so maybe I did better than this blog post would suggest. Might I say that I kick ass at rhyme time? Totally got that one right.
Was rereading old posts
I was rereading old posts while staring in the mirror when I came across and re-cracked up at this one, about my parents’ dog.
Stuff I've accomplished today
In case you’re thinking I haven’t accomplished much today I’m standing here telling you that you are wrong with a capital WR! WRong my friend. Incorrect. Erroneous. Full of misinformation. Dunderheaded. Chowderbrained. Mistaken. Specious.
Not that I have to justify myself to you or anything but I may as well tell you just a little bit about all that I’ve done. But I’m telling you because I want to, not because I owe you or because I have anything to prove so don’t get the wrong idea.
I placed an order on drugstore.com for shampoo and toilet paper except web sites refuse to call it toilet paper which is evidently grody and gauche and so I had to search around the site trying to find it. I ordered 18 rolls of something called “aluminum foil.” Hope it’s the right thing!
THEN my mom called and I stayed on the phone with her for an hour even though I said three times “I don’t want to be on the phone anymore.” I even whined something fierce by the third time. Then I pouted for awhile.
THEN I took a shower and not just any shower but a cold one. And here’s the thing that gets me, I was just talking with someone about the amazing water pressure in my shower so I’m concerned the shower overheard me and got too comfortable. You know? I’m not ready for the shower to have stopped trying.
THEN I shivered for awhile.
THEN I turned blue and dropped dead.
THEN I checked my email.
THEN I drank some black cherry flavored sparkling water which is free of calories, caffeine and sodium but full of heroin, which I dump in by the rock full. By the chunk full? By the resin? By the small bag? I’m sorry, apparently I don’t know as much about heroin as I pretend.
THEN I wrote this blog post.
THEN someone gave me a puppy and I played with it. “How did you know?” I asked. “I just did,” said… the puppy. His name was Sal.
THEN I renamed the puppy because I wouldn’t name a puppy Sal. I mean, give me a break!
THEN I noticed that my fingers were kid of pruney.
THEN the puppy and I fought crime together and saved three porpoises and an orphan.
THEN I did other amazing things that I’m not going to tell you about because frankly, you and I are SO OVER.
Ways To Stimulate the Economy
How about listen to it, for once?!?!?!
Leave a little note that it will find in an unexpected place. Like, say, on a dollar bill.
Serve it breakfast in bed.
Give it a homemade coupon book with coupons good for things like “one night at the movies” or “one backrub” or “3 trillion dollars”
You be Ben Bernanke and go from there. Naughty! LOL! 🙂
Satin sheets in the U.S. Mint
Municipal Bondage Gear
Unplug the phone and practice the Invisible Hand Theory
Just when you’re about to file for Chapter 11, think of your grandma
Chinese New Year's resolutions
I just glanced at my calendar and noticed today is Chinese New Year. I feel so embarrassed. It totally crept up on me again! I didn’t even make any Chinese New Year’s resolutions. Should you also be a Chinese New Year deadbeat like me, here are some options:
No more slipping trick fortunes into fortune cookies even though it’s really funny
Less lying to Jade Emperor (evasion is ok)
Party like it’s Year of the Ox!
Don’t party like it’s Year of the Ox!
Party like it’s Year of the Boar!
Quit living in the past.
Buy a pet ox
Buy a pair of oxen so they can play with each other
Make them carry your backpack to school because they are beasts of burden and will feel sort of listless if they aren’t give “work”
(Around the village I’m known as “The Oxen Whisperer”)
Refuse to be stuck in the ass of the dragon costume again no matter how much you get pressured
More lanterns!
Make your own lanterns out of crepe paper and dumpling skins
Hang the edible lanterns around your conversation pit and then pretend you don’t know where that smell is coming from
Build a conversation pit
Just say “shi” to the universe!