Here we are, unable to hear anything. The real shame is that I never got to continue with my Eric impression.
Last night I went grocery shopping
Think I’m not the kind of person who buys Brussels sprouts? Well I just want you to know you’re wrong. Feast your eyes on the below and then simmer in a pot of your own wrongness.
Yeah that’s right. I bought Brussels sprouts. And I’ll do it again. In fact, I like to pretend I’m in Belgium and just call them sprouts. As in, first I’m going to have, um, waffles, and then, um, chocolate, and then, um, sprouts, and then… and then I run out of things that have Belgian or Brussels in front of them. Anyone? Moving on…
I also am the kind of person who buys broccoli which, as you can see above, is thoughtfully wrapped in saran wrap by the grocery store. And not just any saran wrap, but blue tinted saran wrap. I make sure to request it.
“Hey, could I get the Saran Wrap that makes the food look toxic?” I say. Oh yeah, I also buy mushrooms, seen above. But sometimes I feel like something that tastes more like a jar so…
I opt for these. According to the label they’re “America’s Favorite Mushroom since 1928.” On the top it says “Sell by 1929.”
Oh and I also buy milk.
But this is the milk I prefer however the store only has it never to sometimes. It’s half the calories of nonfat milk but tastes more like regular milk if you took that regular milk and divided it in half and then replaced half with water and half with paste and then thinned it out with magical polymers and silicon. It’s delicious!
So but you’re probably wondering what I do with the Brussels sprouts? I’m reminded of my friend the epicurean who claims microwaves are only for heating and reheating. Not so, guy. (Just searched in vain for a link to anything aforementioned friend has written but all I’m coming up with are douchey wireimage shots, so I’m going to just leave it alone. You get the gist.)
Diana and I talked about buttons before Paltalk
So I received this Flip Mino HD moments before heading out the door this morning which I know you’ll find hard to believe when you take a gander at how brilliantly I capture life’s lighter moments. I’m telling you, if this writing/performing/being charming thing doesn’t work out, I think I could have a career as a therapist. And then if that doesn’t work I could consider being a makeup artist. And if that doesn’t pan out I might go back to school or temp. But if neither of those work for me? I might consider climbing behind the camera because I’m truly a camera artist. In fact, I might even be an artiste!
I'm on Paltalk at 11am ET
Morning lovers. First of all I want to say that you guys are funny and your comments make me laugh and I am madly in love with each of you and if I were stranded on an island and could only take all of you, I would.
Second of all, I’m on Paltalk with Diana Falzone today at 11am ET. She’s probably very excited right now, as should you be.
You can watch it somewhere around here: http://www.paltalk.com/dianafalzone/
You may have to log in. Do you have to log in? Or sign up? I’m not sure. I’m sorry, I just work here. (note: I don’t work here)
Prepare yourself for the return of Wendy and Alison
Have you been missing Wendy and me? I know you have! Well I have good news my little… uh…. (pssst, Ted! What was it you liked to be called? My little empanadas? My little tortillas? My little taquitos? Dammit it’s all so hazy in my brain!)
Anyhoozers, Wendy, who is busy being all busy with her upcoming project which I’m not sure if I can say what it is or not, and I, who is busy (who am busy?) being all busy with just, you know, being busy and shit, and also being important, just like being busy and important, have renewed our blog chat vows and so we’ll be chatting in blog form once more starting very soon. Could you BE more excited?
I don’t think so. And if you could be then I beseech you to hide your lack of excitement. Hide it in a hamper. Hide it under a bushel. Hide it in a napkin and then stuff it in your pocket. Hide it under your pillow. Stuff it in a sock. Stuff it in a sausage. Stuff it in a shoe box. I could go on.
My fingers are dyslexic and sort of retarded
So I meant to type “Sorry my dear” in an email but instead I typed “Sorry my head.” Then I tried to type it to explain it, hence I was typing, “So I meant to type ‘Sorry my dear,'” but instead what came out was “So I meant to type ‘Sorry my hear.'”
I don’t know what this means. Something awesome, probably!
Once more to the meringues
Last night in between going to fancy parties and reclining on my solid gold and diamond encrusted divan, I decided to turn my attention once more to the dangerous world of meringues. Think of meringues as a bucking bronco and me as the cowboy foolish enough to think I could tame them. Or think of them as a mechanical bull and me as someone in a bar. A bar which has a mechanical bull. Or don’t think of that at all. I can’t tell you what to think. I can only tell you that I’m making them without sugar, I’m using Splenda, hence the texture (wooden, cardboardy) and the taste (wooden, cardboardy) is truly out of this world.
Hey, are you the kind of person who likes to eat Popsicle sticks? I have some meringues for you.
Just egg whites, cream of tarter, vanilla, salt, Splenda, gravel, witch hazel, grout, caulk, plaster of Paris and a dash of turmeric.
Then I put the mixture in a pastry bag. While this pastry bag looks megaphone sized in this photo it’s actually only the size of a small bullhorn.
Birds eye view of the pastry bag with the meringue mixture inside. How did birds get in my kitchen?
Because I’m fancy and also disgusting, I decided that plain meringues weren’t enough so I also made some coffee flavored ones (the middle strips) and then I decided to see what would happen if I threw in some butter buds which is butter flavored powder which I think I can still taste today. I don’t recommend it, by the way.
"I'm very immature… and I love vlogs!"
Anna and I walked home from a party. Also, I’m a tag slut. Also, my hair was really stuck to my face in a way that wasn’t quite captured in this video.
Telling Facebook Status Update
Yes, I became a fan of myself. Here is the thing though, I actually did it because I’m trying to figure out how to easily post video to my various pages. I have my regular Facebook page and then I have my public “celebrity” page which I’m now a fan of and then I have the Facebook fan group. When I go to the fan group page and want to add video I can easily select videos I’ve already uploaded to my regular Facebook page, thus cutting down on the hours long uploading process. When I go to my public “celeb” page though I don’t have that option, I can only upload or record new video. Hence I thought perhaps becoming a fan would allow me to post video as a fan. Wait! Maybe I didn’t ok fan uploads. Hm.