Last night in between going to fancy parties and reclining on my solid gold and diamond encrusted divan, I decided to turn my attention once more to the dangerous world of meringues. Think of meringues as a bucking bronco and me as the cowboy foolish enough to think I could tame them. Or think of them as a mechanical bull and me as someone in a bar. A bar which has a mechanical bull. Or don’t think of that at all. I can’t tell you what to think. I can only tell you that I’m making them without sugar, I’m using Splenda, hence the texture (wooden, cardboardy) and the taste (wooden, cardboardy) is truly out of this world.

Hey, are you the kind of person who likes to eat Popsicle sticks? I have some meringues for you.

Just egg whites, cream of tarter, vanilla, salt, Splenda, gravel, witch hazel, grout, caulk, plaster of Paris and a dash of turmeric.

Then I put the mixture in a pastry bag. While this pastry bag looks megaphone sized in this photo it’s actually only the size of a small bullhorn.

Birds eye view of the pastry bag with the meringue mixture inside. How did birds get in my kitchen?

Because I’m fancy and also disgusting, I decided that plain meringues weren’t enough so I also made some coffee flavored ones (the middle strips) and then I decided to see what would happen if I threw in some butter buds which is butter flavored powder which I think I can still taste today. I don’t recommend it, by the way.