I fear we come off as truly horrible people in this one… Dustin started it!
"You guys work at CNET, you're actually paid to be nerds"
Last night I hung out with Natali Del Conte and the guys from The 404 (Jeff Bakalar, Wilson Tang and Justin Yu) and there was some talk of docking and space docking. I don’t recommend looking these things up as they’re obscene and disgusting. Then out came the video cameras (when you’re hanging out with people who work at CNET you can be sure that everyone will be carrying five or six gadgets each putting to shame my one gadget plus collection of lip gloss.) Anyway, I’ve been having a problem with filming myself because I can’t get my whole face in the shot, hence Jeff Bakalar’s advice to “nail the angle.” Later Natali showed me how to zoom out though, so I think the problem will likely be solved next time I attempt to film anything.
See me on Geraldo on Sunday between 10pm and 11pm ET
Oh, like you were really going to watch the Oscars anyway? I’ll be on Geraldo talking about OctoMom. I’m going to whelp 10 kids of my own by Sunday night, by the way, so that I can be DecaMom. Or maybe I’ll have six and be HexaMom. I could go on, if I knew more number words. TetraMom?
3 Border Collies
Remember awhile ago in that post where I said I’d bought this pink thing that I decided was going to be my “correspondence corner” even though I don’t correspond… with anyone?
Well the time has finally come where I’ve been asked to put something in the mail. “Aha! I have just the piece of furniture for that!” I said to my imaginary friend Chico. He shot me a dirty look because he was sleeping.
But then I looked inside said pink thing and apparently I don’t have any stamps. I do have these dog stickers though.
Anyone know how many dogs it takes to mail a small oversize envelope?
The Missing Random Fact About Me
You guys! Tonight I was talking to Anna and I know I said the following:
“… I know! I was thinking I should have included that in the 25 things about me on Facebook. It’s a 26th thing!”
But I have no idea what I said it in reference to. But just thought you should know that there exists something sort of wonderful about me that you’ve yet to hear. I mean, I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you think those 25 things about me really captured the entirety of my personality, well, surprise, there’s one more thing.
Please remain on tinterhooks.
Allow me to over explain
Just wanted to say the grocery post wasn’t intended to be like Woohoo Look At Me I Buy Vegetables. I took a picture of the Brussels sprouts because I thought it was funny that I bought them simply because I think they’re sort of cute and yet had no idea how to cook them (the microwave worked well, I’ll have you know) and then while I was taking photos I decided to keep going as I was unloading stuff. I don’t claim to be all healthy or organic or anything if for no other reason than if you cut me, I bleed Splenda. Unless the store is out of it in which case, Equal. Never Sweet n Low. Yuck. Also, I don’t really like water. Also, I like to suck on bowls painted with lead paint and I also eat dirt by the fistfulls. And I’m bulemic but I only throw up the healthy food. I let the chicken nuggets stay down.
Diana Falzone and me on Paltalk today
Here we are, unable to hear anything. The real shame is that I never got to continue with my Eric impression.
Last night I went grocery shopping
Think I’m not the kind of person who buys Brussels sprouts? Well I just want you to know you’re wrong. Feast your eyes on the below and then simmer in a pot of your own wrongness.
Yeah that’s right. I bought Brussels sprouts. And I’ll do it again. In fact, I like to pretend I’m in Belgium and just call them sprouts. As in, first I’m going to have, um, waffles, and then, um, chocolate, and then, um, sprouts, and then… and then I run out of things that have Belgian or Brussels in front of them. Anyone? Moving on…
I also am the kind of person who buys broccoli which, as you can see above, is thoughtfully wrapped in saran wrap by the grocery store. And not just any saran wrap, but blue tinted saran wrap. I make sure to request it.
“Hey, could I get the Saran Wrap that makes the food look toxic?” I say. Oh yeah, I also buy mushrooms, seen above. But sometimes I feel like something that tastes more like a jar so…
I opt for these. According to the label they’re “America’s Favorite Mushroom since 1928.” On the top it says “Sell by 1929.”
Oh and I also buy milk.
But this is the milk I prefer however the store only has it never to sometimes. It’s half the calories of nonfat milk but tastes more like regular milk if you took that regular milk and divided it in half and then replaced half with water and half with paste and then thinned it out with magical polymers and silicon. It’s delicious!
So but you’re probably wondering what I do with the Brussels sprouts? I’m reminded of my friend the epicurean who claims microwaves are only for heating and reheating. Not so, guy. (Just searched in vain for a link to anything aforementioned friend has written but all I’m coming up with are douchey wireimage shots, so I’m going to just leave it alone. You get the gist.)
Diana and I talked about buttons before Paltalk
So I received this Flip Mino HD moments before heading out the door this morning which I know you’ll find hard to believe when you take a gander at how brilliantly I capture life’s lighter moments. I’m telling you, if this writing/performing/being charming thing doesn’t work out, I think I could have a career as a therapist. And then if that doesn’t work I could consider being a makeup artist. And if that doesn’t pan out I might go back to school or temp. But if neither of those work for me? I might consider climbing behind the camera because I’m truly a camera artist. In fact, I might even be an artiste!
I'm on Paltalk at 11am ET
Morning lovers. First of all I want to say that you guys are funny and your comments make me laugh and I am madly in love with each of you and if I were stranded on an island and could only take all of you, I would.
Second of all, I’m on Paltalk with Diana Falzone today at 11am ET. She’s probably very excited right now, as should you be.
You can watch it somewhere around here: http://www.paltalk.com/dianafalzone/
You may have to log in. Do you have to log in? Or sign up? I’m not sure. I’m sorry, I just work here. (note: I don’t work here)