Wendy and I did more chatting today. We try to put up some posts every day so if you aren’t already in the habit of clicking over there, you should be! We talked before the horrible Heath Ledger news though, so these are more about Oscar noms and bowl cuts. And abortions. You know, fun stuff. Also, Wendy has a book out right now. That means I know two people with books out. You should buy their books. I haven’t seen the final editions of either book but I saw early versions of both, because I’m so special and important that of course people want to consult me and get my opinion. (I told Wendy to make hers more pink and I told Greg to make his a coloring book.)
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
How I feel about having put in my two weeks notice
Elated and then scared and then exhilarated and then freaked out and then peppy and then nervous and then jumpy and then hesitant and then bucolic and then urban and then sinuous and then puffy and then viscous and then runny and are you still reading this? I stopped awhile ago. Also, I wrote my favorite ever Red Eye intro that won’t ever see air, and for good reason probably, since it’s highly offensive. But anyway: “[She’s so smart] if brains were a baptismal, I’d put a baby in her in church.”
What's the difference between
Okay so in the last post I said bonus points for anyone who knows the joke the title “cluck defiance” comes from. It’s a really old “what’s the difference between” joke.
What’s the difference between lawyers and roosters?
Roosters cluck defiance…
It’s not my favorite “what’s the difference between” joke though. This one is:
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and voyeur?
A pickpocket wants to snatch your watch…
Cluck defiance
I was looking through the stats and I’m proud to say that someone reached this site by searching the term “chicken raping.”
And bonus points for anyone who knows what joke the title is a reference to. (Dad, you don’t count.)
FROM THE ARCHIVES: BLACK SNAKE MOAN PREMIERE
[update: are you guys able to see the below video? Let me know.]
I was looking through old stuff and found this from a couple years ago. I don’t think I ever posted it. Note how even though I’m on the red carpet, I manage to talk about mice.
puppies, cash, two weeks notice
The following was sent to the staff to announce my decision to go freelance. Now there’s actually a voice in my head telling me not to post an internal memo, but this one is so nice that I’d like to tattoo it on a butt cheek, except then I’d have trouble reading it:
“After 3+ glorious years providing TONY with one of its more distinct and stylish voices, in everything from music reviews to Ed Koch exposés, Alison Rosen is moving on. She’s jumping into the freelance waters and will remain actively involved as a contributor to TONY, but we’ll miss her breezy way with words, quick wit, and masochistic eagerness to get up at 5am every Saturday morning to do TV for TONY. Her last day is 1/31. Please join me in wishing her well and demanding that she not lose touch.”
So, you’re likely wondering why I’m doing this and what I’m doing next. I will keep you posted.
If anyone would like to give me a mountain of cash and a puppy, I would entertain that offer.
I dreamed a terrible joke
Usually when you make up jokes in your sleep they don’t hold up (though they’re always hilarious at the time) but I woke up with the following humdinger going through my head and I think it actually works:
“My boss says I’m an ‘inventive writer’ [pause] I make up all my facts!”
Should I ever being doing dinner theater on some cruise ship full of journalists I’ll be sure to use that one.
(or did I hear this somewhere and just think I came up with it?)
bears, frogs, commercials for children's cold and flu medication
My sister and I just watched this commercial like five times and then I was so overwhelmed with cuteness that I had to find it on youtube. The one on TV is even cuter. It’s the part where he wiggles his legs that really gets me. Also, there’s a pretty cute triaminic frog commercial except that frog is like the Dakota Fanning of frogs—a little precicious/showy—whereas the bear is more genuinely adorable/stuffed up.
Salt N Pepa
The decision to write about Salt N Pepa is the decision to have “Push It” stuck in your head for three days.
The lightbulb brain teaser
I posted this in the comments but then decided it should be up here. Sorry in advance for the inarticulate wording, but hopefully it will make sense. It’s a brainteaser, and it’s hard:
There are two rooms, one of them has three light switches, the other has three lightbulbs and you don’t know which bulb goes with which switch. you can do whatever you want to the switches but you must then go into the room with the bulbs and figure out which goes with which. (you can’t go back into the room with the switches). how can it be done?