Okay so in the last post I said bonus points for anyone who knows the joke the title “cluck defiance” comes from. It’s a really old “what’s the difference between” joke.
What’s the difference between lawyers and roosters?
Roosters cluck defiance…
It’s not my favorite “what’s the difference between” joke though. This one is:
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and voyeur?
A pickpocket wants to snatch your watch…
I was looking through the stats and I’m proud to say that someone reached this site by searching the term “chicken raping.”
And bonus points for anyone who knows what joke the title is a reference to. (Dad, you don’t count.)
[update: are you guys able to see the below video? Let me know.]
I was looking through old stuff and found this from a couple years ago. I don’t think I ever posted it. Note how even though I’m on the red carpet, I manage to talk about mice.
The following was sent to the staff to announce my decision to go freelance. Now there’s actually a voice in my head telling me not to post an internal memo, but this one is so nice that I’d like to tattoo it on a butt cheek, except then I’d have trouble reading it:
“After 3+ glorious years providing TONY with one of its more distinct and stylish voices, in everything from music reviews to Ed Koch exposés, Alison Rosen is moving on. She’s jumping into the freelance waters and will remain actively involved as a contributor to TONY, but we’ll miss her breezy way with words, quick wit, and masochistic eagerness to get up at 5am every Saturday morning to do TV for TONY. Her last day is 1/31. Please join me in wishing her well and demanding that she not lose touch.”
So, you’re likely wondering why I’m doing this and what I’m doing next. I will keep you posted.
If anyone would like to give me a mountain of cash and a puppy, I would entertain that offer.
Usually when you make up jokes in your sleep they don’t hold up (though they’re always hilarious at the time) but I woke up with the following humdinger going through my head and I think it actually works:
“My boss says I’m an ‘inventive writer’ [pause] I make up all my facts!”
Should I ever being doing dinner theater on some cruise ship full of journalists I’ll be sure to use that one.
(or did I hear this somewhere and just think I came up with it?)
My sister and I just watched this commercial like five times and then I was so overwhelmed with cuteness that I had to find it on youtube. The one on TV is even cuter. It’s the part where he wiggles his legs that really gets me. Also, there’s a pretty cute triaminic frog commercial except that frog is like the Dakota Fanning of frogs—a little precicious/showy—whereas the bear is more genuinely adorable/stuffed up.
The decision to write about Salt N Pepa is the decision to have “Push It” stuck in your head for three days.
I posted this in the comments but then decided it should be up here. Sorry in advance for the inarticulate wording, but hopefully it will make sense. It’s a brainteaser, and it’s hard:
There are two rooms, one of them has three light switches, the other has three lightbulbs and you don’t know which bulb goes with which switch. you can do whatever you want to the switches but you must then go into the room with the bulbs and figure out which goes with which. (you can’t go back into the room with the switches). how can it be done?
I have a fancy reel… because I’m fancy!
Wendy and I put up a new post today. Perhaps you’ve already read it. If you haven’t, head over there to take in my inability to speak my mind over very small things involving people I don’t know that well. Fun! Other things going on? Well I haven’t received my daily Tobey update so I don’t know if he’s still trying to eat bricks, which is not a euphemism for eating his euphemistic Tobeys, but apparently he was actually trying to eat bricks yesterday. Naturally, I think this is cute (from 3000 miles away). So mom, if you’re reading this: Tobey update and photos and video, please! Tobey should have his own blog, really.
Also, a whole lot of stuff gets said during the commercial breaks while filming Red Eye and I always think I should remember it so I can repeat it here and note the way you probably had to be there. Last night I told Dr. Baden I’d enjoyed a nutritive enema* during the break and then I resumed my original seat (I’d vacated the seat so he could sit there during his segment). While waiting for filming to begin again Bill said something about someone being a showman. Greg said “and a shaman!” right as I said roughly the same thing. Bill looked disgusted and I have to admit I also had that sinking feeling that comes when two great minds produce less than one joke. Or maybe it was that I then mentioned Jim Morrison. Then Greg started joking about Top Shaman and also talking about Top Ramen and I said something about prophetic noodles.
*it was something he’d talked about in his segment, not something I enjoyed during the break