Author Archive | Alison Rosen
I've made a bold decision
I’ve made a bold decision and I’m not even drunk. I’m going to forgo some of the TV makeup tomorrow. I mean, I’ve always felt any makeup at all on this dewy young face of mine is gilding the lily, in fact I used to so frequently refer to it like that that when I would duck into the bathroom at Time Out New York before going on TV my coworker Ethan would say, “Are you gilding the lily?”
I mean, I’m still going to apply the individual fake eyelashes to the outer corners of my lids and I’m still going to pinch my cheeks for a rosy glow. And yes, I’m still going to burn a cork over the spit and then rub the soot around my eyes to make them stand out more and I’ll probably crush up some bugs and rub them on my lips and soak onions in a bowl overnight and then make soup but I’m not going to use the TV foundation, so if I appear to be a freckly mess, that’s why.
Not that I really have that many freckles though. In fact my complexion is somewhere between perfect and flawless, but who knows what could happen on the walk from the train to the paltalk office. For all we know I could sprout freckles. Can you say for sure that it won’t happen? I didn’t think so.
I'm on Diana Falzone's Paltalk show tomorrow at 11AM
Yay!
I need to write a book
I just do. I am too delightful and I know too many words to not have my delightfullness represented in an author photo and my words tucked between dust covers. I don’t even need my words to be alphabetical. Or real!
But really, I am tired of going to Barnes & Noble and seeing all these books by all these people and not seeing any by me.
At the same time, I hate paper in general and yesterday I got this crazy papercut when I opened up an envelope containing fabric swatches and then I had to go hunting around my apartment for bandaids and it took forever to find one. That’s what paper will do to you. It will cut you. In fact, if I drew cartoons for the New Yorker I would show an envelope saying to a woman who is about to open it, “I’ll cut you, bitch.” The envelope would be somehow made to look like it’s in prison by the way. It would be a tough menacing envelope.
But anyway, what should I write about? I need something fun and easy that doesn’t involve that much time or energy or hard work. You know, like a book I could write in the shower.
I’m joking. Kind of!
But really. Ideas? I mean, I could collect all my funny essays and some blog posts, that would be a damn good book, but it seems like a new idea would be better. I should probably clear that path to my door so more publishers can beat a path to it. Maybe I should also get a doormat that says “Welcome, publishers!”
Hollywood Wrap segment from The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet
Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, politics panel, part 2
Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, politics panel, part 1
UPDATE regarding festive tea
After making the below post I burned my tongue! ON THE TEA!
Also, I’m all ready to upload the clips from Mike and Juliet this morning but YouTube is fixing something on the site and you can’t upload right now. They just better be back up and running soon or else I’ll be forced to take more photos of myself with inanimate objects.
If you like festive seasonal crap
If you like festive seasonal crap then I am duty bound to tell you that now is the time of year that Celestial Seasonings puts out their special holiday themed teas. There’s Gingerbread Spice, Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride, Last Year’s Fruit Cake, Cranberry Frostbite and Fuck, Where’d I Put The Wrapping Paper. I may have made up those last three but the first two exist and I’m telling you, they are whimsy in a cup. Need more proof? I offer the following good cheer filled picture essay.
Gingerbread Spice tea plus…
a cup, plus…
a willingness to enjoy festive tea…
I mean a real willingness, the kind evidenced by crossing one of your eyes…
and making out with your cup…
Leads to this.
The End.
Kinda neat; extremely blue
A friend of mine from college is involved in this web site where the world can cast its vote for president. It’s so Hands Across America, Bob Geldof, Benetton ad, you know? But also very cool.