Rhett Reese is the co-writer/producer of the upcoming Zombieland and Earth Vs. Moon and he created my favorite reality show, The Joe Schmo Show. He addresses the uncanny similarities between Schmo and E!’s new Reality Hell at the 7:25 mark.
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
The Fed Wears Prada
Surely you’ve heard of Fashion’s Night Out, right? Where skinny people save the economy by going to parties in stores or something?
Fashion’s Night Out
Fashion’s Night In.
The Daily Alison (Where we answer your questions)
Darn socks
“My socks aren’t matching. It’s that point in the laundry cycle,” I fibbed to Dustin yesterday, as if laundry has anything to do with my occasional habit of sticking it to the man by refusing to follow his Byzantine sock laws. “I noticed,” said Dustin, with just a hint of judgment in his voice. “And you have holes in one of them.” I pretended to find this surprising—as if I hadn’t been feeling the inside of my shoe making direct contact with my skin in four places earlier that day. Then Dustin revealed that he’d once spent a night at home darning socks and waiting for the permanent to set in his hair. Then he drew lines up the back of his legs while sipping on bathtub gin. I didn’t even know you could darn socks. I figured you just wore them till they disintegrated and then threw them out. “But aren’t you left with a very little sock?” I asked. Apparently the sock’s stretchiness allows for the darning though. Still, there’s something depressing about the idea of sewing up the holes in a sock. I prefer to indulge myself by never coming face to face with a needle and thread. In fact, I’ve watched various men sew buttons in my presence and felt like something less than a true woman upon realizing they were better at it than I. Which is not to say that I didn’t once take a sewing class where we made skorts and then made scrunchies with the leftover fabric, because I did.
“We had to do it in the army,” explained one guy. It was yet another reason I’d have been terrible in the military. But I know there will probably come a day when, under duress, I will have to sew a button or a sock. I hope there’s a serviceman nearby.
I'm attempting to make an opening titles/music thingie
My show very clearly needs opening titles/credits or whatever they’re called so this is something I made in iMovie earlier. I’m not happy with it, but I suppose it’s a start since I’ve never attempted to do this. If any of you are good at this stuff and want to try your hand, be my guest!
Tired of your boring box?
Check it out you guys. Thanks to something called SmokeStixx, you can now personalize/conceal your cigarette boxes so that instead of saying to the world, “Hi, I smoke!” you’re saying, “Hi, I smoke… and like tiaras.”
Or champagne:
Or something manly like a flaming skull! Scary!
But see, while I can’t condone smoking but I can condone stickers. In fact I condoned stickers as president of a sticker club when I was a child. We met in a cardboard box in my backyard. I’m not even making this up. But back to the subject at hand, do you think I want the world to know when I have my period?
I would festoon that shit with unicorns and then grab the box, clutch my stomach and whine loudly about my cramps and how men all suck. Then I’d start crying. No one would be the wiser!
Or what about this?
Like I want to broadcast to the world that I’m eating cheese? Like I want to put my cheese on shout? Excuse me, but a lady never tells.
Similarly, I would recommend personalizing your butter.
Why not disguise it as margarine? Wouldn’t that be a real hoot and a half? It would. So you see, it’s only your imagination that will limit your use of this product, so long as what you’re imagining fits in a small box. In fact—and this just occurred to me—you could disguise a rape kit as a cigarette box. Seriously you guys, I should be in R&D.
The Daily Alison (Bacon jam, hold the pants… with guest Joel Stein)
A few things: After this interview Joel Stein got in touch to say that with hindsight he would have changed his answer to apple butter. “The correct answer is mustard!” I yelled into the phone, even though he’d emailed me. Sometimes I do not know how to get through to that man. Also, here’s the article he mentioned where he took the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Test.
Oh and I think I said that he used to write for TIME but he very clearly still does write for TIME. I don’t know what to say for myself.
And lastly, if I were a wiz at audio editing I think I could have punched up the audio when he was talking to make for a more enjoyable listening experience however I’m not an audio editing wiz, nor even a video editing wiz. My expertise is limited to being delightful and having great hair. It’s a shame. If you happen to be one of the aforementioned wizzes though, do get in touch.
The Daily Alison (A note about why you'll see today's show tomorrow)
The Poo
As some of you may or may not know, there is an animal—at least I’m assuming it’s an animal, I suppose it could be an extremely uncouth tiny human—whose been squeezing under a fairly imposing iron gate and using the area in front of my front door as a toilet. This has happened thrice, this morning being the most recent incident. At first I thought it must be a dog but then I saw a black cat in the backyard. I broke a mirror and threw the shards over my left shoulder to offset the bad luck! Then I opened and closed an umbrella six times in my apartment and said an incantation. I’m now wondering if maybe it’s raccoon excrement because everyone knows cats don’t just relieve themselves out in the open. Oh and I threw the welcome mat which the animal had compromised away in an attempt to get rid of whatever smell is attracting the beast so today the animal just left a little gift right in the area where the mat used to be. It was a set of nautical themed coasters. Thoughtful, but doesn’t exactly make up for the shit.