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Archive | will ferrell

My gums looked fantastic

Today I went to the dentist and received confirmation of something I’ve long suspected: my gums look fantastic. “All that flapping’s paid off!” I didn’t say to the hygienist, as there were dental instruments in my mouth and plus, no one likes a smug gum show-off. Then the dentist himself came in, nodded in agreement over the fantasticness level of my gums and inquired as to whether I was still wearing my night guard and grinding my teeth. This struck me as odd, since I neither wear a night guard nor grind my teeth. Then he assured me if I get super famous he can do porcelain veneers. “Ah, probably won’t have to do that,” he said upon reflection. I’m hoping this was more a referendum on my teeth than my chances at achieving “super fame.”

The whole thing made me think of this story I wrote a million years ago. Incidentally I will be seeing said tooth whore, the subject of the story, tonight. People with fantastic teeth/gums must stick together.

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The Daily Alison (Where John DeVore stares at blank walls)

You can read John’s Mind of Man column every Wednesday on

But let’s talk about the crazy edits that you may have seen in the above video if you were watching it with your eyes. What a fucking nightmare hatchet job that was, right? In addition to firing my prop guy and makeup person and producer, I’m totally shitcanning my editor. Then I’m firing whoever’s in charge of censoring the foul language around here because they’re letting some doozies through. But what happened was I messed up the time count and then I had about twelve minutes of footage and so I had to shave off about a minute and a half (apparently I can upload a little over ten mins on youtube) and then all hell broke loose. I wasn’t just out of breath because a shark was chasing me. I was out of breath because I blew up all those inflatable things that were dangling off my body. I have half a mind to put the parts I cut out back in and just cut this into two clips but that will take forever and it’s onward and upward for me. No looking back. I only have eyes for tomorrow. And I’m lazy.

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Allow me to regale you with a story about flossing

It was time for my bi-annual flossing so I put on my flossing outfit (coconuts, sweatpants, a turban) and went to town and now there’s a metallic, bloody taste happening on the upper right side of my mouth and I don’t like it. Also, there is some pain. Nothing I can’t handle since my pain tolerance is nothing short of superhuman however, but still.

Ok, to be honest, I floss every day. I only put on my flossing outfit twice a year though, so I wasn’t completely telling an untruth.

The pain is not going away. Arguably it’s getting worse. Perhaps the way I was like “ow that hurts, I’m going to do it again, ow that still hurts, I’m going to do it again, yep, still painful, I’m going to do it again,” wasn’t very wise.

In other news I found out last night that Button, the dog I’ve been obsessed with has an adoption pending. I’m happy for Button but sad for me! And then I think: How could I really have become attached to a photo of a dog? And then I think: Wait, if I can become attached to a photo of a dog, maybe I should just get a photo of a dog instead of a dog? I’d put Button’s photo here so you could see how adorable this dog was however it’s no longer on Petfinder and I never copied the photos. It’s kind of tragic!

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Will Ferrell and I are tooth buddies

Tomorrow morning I’m going to a dentist for the first time in New York. Now I know what you’re thinking, that that’s hard to believe since I’ve lived here for over six years, but you see, while I’ve lived here for six years, my teeth only got here a year ago. Also, usually I just go to the dentist in California who also happens to be the dentist Will Ferrell trusts with his teeth (I just couldn’t bring myself to refer to them as his chompers, pearly whites, or ‘grill’.) I’ve never actually seen Will Ferrell or his brother, who I’m told also goes there as well as their mom, however I always ask how he’s doing or if he’s been in lately and they always tell me that he hasn’t but his mom or brother has and he’s doing well and very rich. That’s pretty much all I ever hear about him, just how really rich he is. Then the dentist comes in (up to this point I’ve been chatting with the hygienist), asks me if I’m still in school and I say I’ve been out of school for eleven years and how’re my gums? At the end they let me look at my teeth in a tooth shaped mirror and give me a free toothbrush with the name and address of the dentist embossed on the side. Does Will Ferrell also brush his teeth with this kind of cheapo personalized toothbrush? Don’t be silly! He brushes his teeth with a golden toothbrush made of mermaid hair. Sometimes while I’m there I ask to use the bathroom and they give me a key attached to a giant toothbrush! I mean we’re talking freakishly large. Do plastic surgeons attach keys to breast implants?

So anyway, I have a toothache in twenty nine. Lower right twenty nine. That’s tooth talk for one of the ones on the bottom. Sensitivity to cold? Check. Sensitivity to sweet, hot, loud noises, motion, a tiny gnome pounding my tooth with a small hammer? Not yet but I imagine it could happen. And so twenty nine and his friends and I will be repairing to a new dentist tomorrow. I’m reminded of the episode of Sesame Street where a llama went to the dentist which is really preposterous when you think about it. Although that would totally make tomorrow worth it if there were llamas in the waiting room with me.

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