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Things I am not currently getting

anything accomplished
shit done
my groove on
into trouble
into the pool
metaphorically or literally, that is
a barrel of pickles delivered to my apartment anytime soon
a barrel of monkeys delivered to my apartment anytime soon
the hang of it where it equals bull-fighting
an appreciation for sponge-painting
blood circulating in the tip of my left index finger (Raynaud’s syndrome)

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I'm in CA

Sorry readers, didn’t mean to be so cryptic. Or did I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, I’m back in California playing guitar at another wedding. Not really. I’m getting my hair straightened. Not really, I’m here for work. I thought it would be super awesome but now that I’m by the beach and on deadline(s) I’m realizing that I wish I were just on vacation! Not that I like the beach, but that the beach makes you want to be on vacation.

Could I possibly say and then negate anything more in the above paragraph? No. Get it?

I was thinking about liveblogging the flight, except I wouldn’t be able to truly liveblog it since you have to turn off the internal transmitters of the [this is where my brain tunes out] but anyway, the things I would have said were:

1. I found a loogie sitting on the floor of the airplane bathroom. I thought of cleaning it up, and then decided that I didn’t want to come in that close contact with it. Instead I had to basically do this uncomfortable hopping gyrating thing to move around in there so as to avoid accidentally dragging a shoelace through said throat snot. Just thinking about it makes me want to retch.

2. okay, maybe it was a small puddle of soapy water

3. I’m not sure though

4. it was about two inches from the toilet. I don’t even want to think about what it was.

5. Foamy urine?

6. ugh

7. Hell’s Kitchen is entertaining. I’d never seen it before. But Bobby? Infuriating!

8. Real Housewives of NYC is kind of boring.

9. Six hours and 17 minutes flying time is long time to try to get into a show.

10. The male flight attendant smelled good. First I thought he was albino and I was thinking that were I liveblogging this I would say that the flight attendant is albino, and I wonder if that’s good luck. But by the end of the flight I’d totally come around to realizing he both had pigment and smelled good.

11. I really liked that band Belly. Liked/like. I was listening to King on the plane which I recently found and put on my iPod and then I was thinking that I listened to this album 13 years ago or something and am I a relic? Are my tastes fossilized? I liked/like Throwing Muses too and I still list them when people ask about my favorite bands, but I’d forgotten about Belly.

12. So then I decided to listen to Whatever Hits from the 90s or whatever it’s called. But I only listened to a couple songs. I had to scroll past a lot of them.

13. I’m procrastinating.

14. I mean, the funny thing is that I don’t even really like girl singers, or in the old days I didn’t. With the exception of Kristin Hersh and Tanya Donnelly.

15. The old days being before I started playing in a band because I think that changed my tastes.

16. Tobey is as cute as ever, in case you’re wondering.

17. Fred the Jade Plant and Rita the Golden Pothos (yes, I have another houseplant. I was waiting for the right time to tell you. Number 17 is as good a time as any) are doing well, for those who asked.

18. “Wouch” or “WOWCH” is what you should say when someone surprises you by saying something insulting. (wow + ouch)

19. Guyvice is when a guy offers you guy advice (guy + advice) except I was recently told that “guyvice sounds like a device to make my head explode.”

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