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Archive | hey look it’s me

See me on The Strategy Room at 3pm today EST

You can watch it here.

And then I’ll be on Red Eye Thursday night/Fri morning and The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Friday morning. I’m totally infesting your TV.

Infest is a gross word. Even if you had an infestation of something cute, like ducklings. In fact I’d almost say a duckling infestation is an oxymoron. But it’s not. Just almost. You know?

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Bio channel whatnot

So I got an email from Bill Schulz’s brother Alfred saying he saw me in a commercial for an upcoming Adam Sandler Biography on the Biography channel. This makes me think this Biography will be airing soon, as that’s how commercials tend to work. For example, that commercial about Zyrtec with that woman who says “You know that song, Time in a Bottle? Well I got it…” and then it you think it’s going to be a commercial about hair dye or something which makes much more sense than allergy medication? I mean, I take Allegra on occasion and I’ve never been like “Holy fuck! What will I do with these extra three hours that I used to devote to sneezing?” Well that commercial means Zyrtec will air soon.

Ok, that was forced and not that funny. Can we go back to how I always want that commercial to be about hair dye because if it covered gray at least it would make sense that it gives you “time in a bottle”? But allergy medicine? I just don’t get it.

Anyway, that wasn’t the point. The point is that I taped Bios for Adam Sandler, Shannon Doherty, Mr. T, The Wahlbergs and one more. Who was it? Hm. Dammit I forget. Maybe if I pop some antihistamines I can go back in time and find out.

Ok, back to the commercial. If your bottle of Zyrtec contained a digital watch tucked into the bottle? That would be time in a bottle. Or if it had a sprig of thyme, even that I could allow. Plus, I bet Zyrtec is in a blister pack anyway, which is a disgusting name.

So keep your eyes peeled for those Biographies. I have no idea how they’re going to chyron me (that’s that little thingerdoodle with the words that says your name and where you’re from.) I don’t recall them asking me. It could be an exciting surprise.

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Go rate my video or something like that

So I got this email from Skippy from Family Ties the other day, although he didn’t identify himself that way, he called himself Marc Price, which is his name, and he’s involved with ijoke.come which is a website and he suggested I put my stuff on there so I can expose myself to the comedy world. I’m not taking my clothes off for you or your no good friends I screamed, grabbing objects from my desk and throwing them in the direction of Ohio, which is where the Keatons lived and therefore where the Handelmans also lived. What did I grab? A remote control, a coffee cup, a box of mechanical pencils, and tape recorder, a can of Raid, a Winnie the Pooh notebook which was a gift and which I’ve had for about 8 years because I remember mentioning it in a column 8 years ago and mentioning that it was a gift, and… um… a magic 8-ball. My desk is messy.

But then I uploaded my video and right now it’s featured on the site so go there now and rate it, I guess? I’m still not quite sure how this works but all this exposing myself is liberating! And drafty!

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See me, hear me, love me, snuggle with me

I updated that junk on the right side of this here page to reflect tomorrow’s radio interview on Devore and Diana and the stand up which I’ve been talking about so much it’s like, lady, shut up already. You know?

Also, I bought some green beans today at the store because the quirky and whimsical placard said “Give your sous chef the night off,” with these pre-cleaned and trimmed and ready-to-eat beans. I don’t even have a sous chef but if I did he’d be named Henri and I’d never give him the day off because he’s a slacker and I’m thinking of firing him anyway. These water spots on my silver? Unacceptable, Henri! And is that a chip in my fine bone china which was made from ground down parakeet bones and purchased in China when I was sent overseas as part of a military gravy boat buying mission? The Audubon Society never let me hear the end of it.

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I will be performing stand up

as part of New York’s Funniest Reporter contest which is part of the NY Underground Comedy Festival in October. I’m performing on October 5 at Gotham Comedy Club. I tried part of my act for my dad yesterday and let me just say that I killed. Meaning I think I nearly killed him, that’s how unfunny I was. So, that’s great. I feel good about that. At least I have some time to work on better material.

Anyway, here’s a page trumpeting my awesomeness and I didn’t even put it together myself. Truly.

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That thing I mentioned I'm hosting

Fresh from moving, smelling like dust and packing tape, perhaps wearing a get-up I fashioned out of cardboard boxes and bubble wrap, I’ll be hosting video coverage of the MINI Rooftop NYC. I’m pretty excited, though this festival is hipper than I am. I actually brought that up to the festival people, but I think they liked that. I bring a certain… head full of split ends to the whole affair, provided I don’t get a haircut before it starts. The page I linked to is where the videos will go up, I think, but if there’s another link I’ll provide that.

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I'm on Red Eye tonight!

What will you do when the phone rings at 3am? You will let it go to voicemail because you’re watching me on Red Eye. Duh!

Now, I couldn’t help but notice the beginnings of some potential bickering in the comments. Let there be no bickering! It’s very un-Alison-Rosen! It’s against the very spirit of that which brings us all together: ME. Can’t we all just love me and celebrate me? Together? Let’s not let our petty differences distract us from the true meaning of this blog.

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Hey look you guys! It's this again!

So we edited the reel again, again. Think of it like the kind of nose job that people get after a nose job. Like with the first one, you definitely know that they’re now sporting a different nose because they once suffered a deviated septum or had their nose broken a bunch of times (those are always the justifications. have you noticed?) but then suddenly one day their smaller nose is even smaller and more, um, “refined” which is a very nose job word. In fact, I should wear a button that says “Ask Me About Nose Jobs!” I could dangle it off the end of my unrefined nose (I just happen to know a lot about them because it was a weird teenage obsession of mine. I also know about horses and toe shoes.) Right, so anyway, this is the reel you’ve already seen but it’s been tightened and improved and sandblasted and fortified. Also, now there’s music at the end and my name lights up!

But my need to shout about every tiny change I make on this thing makes me wonder if I ever were to get plastic surgery, would I also be trumpeting that? I kind of think I would. I’m a very trumpety person. [not making any cabbage jokes. not making them. this is me not making … jesus, this is hard!]

Alison Rosen demo reel from Alison Rosen on Vimeo.

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My bite has been damned with faint praise

Reblogged from The Activity Pit:

Alison’s Beauty Secrets

Whatever the occasion, Alison always manages to look her best despite living a busy cosmopolitan lifestyle. How does she do it? Blessed with natural beauty, are there other steps she takes to enhance her appearance?

Below is an analysis revealing Alison’s beauty secrets.

Look, Spaceagent, if that’s your real fake name, I suffered 4 years of braces and the best you can say is that I have “normal” jaw occlusion? You WISH you occluded so well.

(I’m kidding. I’m flattered that you think I have no open sores.)

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