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I'm on Red Eye tonight; dogs

By on April 9, 2009 in dogs, Red Eye

Remember how I was going to be on tomorrow night? Well I’m on tonight! Yay!

Also: I’m closer and closer to actually getting a puppy if by closer and closer you mean still kind of far away but seriously thinking about it. What kind should I get? Let’s all weigh in because not only will it be helpful and fun, but who doesn’t like talking about dogs? Assholes, that’s who!

Anyway, I’m looking for a small dog (under 10 lbs) that isn’t a jerk and has a working knowledge of social media. Some experience with video editing a plus but not a requirement. Preferably this dog will have four legs and a face. I’m not averse to poodles. I’m just not, though I’m averse to giving them silly haircuts. I like puppies. I’m not looking exclusively for a purebred and I’d like to get a dog from a shelter so I can feel good about myself however I’m beginning to suspect that the cute little puppies get adopted in two seconds flat, meaning the dogs that I would want are going to have no problem getting adopted, and it’s the hulking pitbulls with ads like “adopt this sweet little girl!” that sit in the shelter for awhile and the whole thing just makes me sad and makes me think of that commercial where Sarah Mclachlan sings and they show dogs making puppy dog eyes and I always change the channel quickly because it makes me sad and reminds me of the time I stupidly watched a video of dogs being euthanized because I was writing an article on pets and anyway, I’m still haunted by it and try not to think about it. All that being said, I don’t want to adopt sweet little 85 lb Sadie whose owner surrendered her (“we don’t know why, she couldn’t be sweeter! she’s a rambunctious bundle of energy looking for a forever home with lots of discipline, love and no children or other pets.”)

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I don’t know. Dogs, puppies, Red Eye.

Oh and I think my pithy bon mots are in the current issue of Life & Style in the Slip-ups section. I haven’t seen it yet though.

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Adorable Tobey shots

By on March 11, 2009 in dogs, photos, Tobey

My mom just sent these to me. In other news I cooked bell peppers tonight and now my whole apartment smells really bell peppery. Ok fine, I actually also cooked them the night before and the night before. I’m not one for variety. For example, I was hoping all my clothes, like every last garment would smell like a bell pepper and I’m pretty sure I got my wish.


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War on un-cute

By on February 17, 2009 in dogs, war on un-cute


Need an injection of cuteness in your day? I think you do. The awesome Joe McDonald sent in these pics. Apparently a fawn followed a beagle through a family’s doggie door in Bitinger, MD and it made the local news. It also made this blog, which is pretty prestigious.

Anyway, it’s all fun and games until the fawn attacks a family friend and you have to stab it to death.

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A moment of silence for Woofie

By on February 6, 2009 in dogs, Tobey, Woofie


Today, Feb 6, would have been Woofie’s birthday. If he were alive today he’d be, let me see, about 24 years old which in dog years is 70 million. Woofie enjoyed such activities as riding in cars, walking around with paper stuck to his nose and licking. He is missed.

After Woofie died my parents waited about five years, which in daughter years is 70 million, to get a new dog. Finally they settled on the guy below though. I like to imagine what Woofie and Tobey would have been like together.

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Things to think about when naming your imaginary pets

By on January 27, 2009 in dogs, freelancing makes you weird

Earlier tonight I went on like six dates with seven guys and then I hit an array of parties, a few summits and one fête before coming home to think about good names for imaginary crime fighting puppies. How is a fête different from a party? If you have to ask you’d never understand. I mean, seriously.

I was thinking about names because I announced earlier that I’d never name a puppy Sal which seemed to ruffle a few feathers. Look people, I just wouldn’t and it’s not because I had a bad run in years ago with a broker named Sal. Wait, yes it is.

It got me thinking about… what was I saying? I’m very unfocused right now because the TV is on and there are people talking about the job market. More like there are people yelling at me about the job market. Also, there are words flying across the screen. It’s very dynamic. You know, if dynamic meant “so busy I want to throw my shoe at the TV.”

I’d throw the Magic 8 Ball but then how would I ever make a decision?

Me: Should I throw you at the TV?
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.

Um, so anyway I was going to tell you about the list of puppy names I’d made, with your help, back when my parents first got Tobey-who-didn’t-have-a-name and then I was going to explain that when naming imaginary pets you often have to see them first. For example, I’m currently the proud owner of a pair of imaginary mackerel named Bob and Kelvin. How did I get those names? Well, okay, confession: I overheard them introducing themselves to someone. But the point is that the names really do suit them. One day Kelvin told me he was thinking of going by Chaz and I was like, “Who are you trying impress, Kelvin?” I hope that wasn’t too harsh, come to think of it. I want to nurture his imagination while at the same time making sure he’s got a grip on reality and strong sense of self. It’s a delicate balance I suppose.

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Stuff I've accomplished today

By on January 27, 2009 in dogs, freelancing makes you weird, lists

In case you’re thinking I haven’t accomplished much today I’m standing here telling you that you are wrong with a capital WR! WRong my friend. Incorrect. Erroneous. Full of misinformation. Dunderheaded. Chowderbrained. Mistaken. Specious.

Not that I have to justify myself to you or anything but I may as well tell you just a little bit about all that I’ve done. But I’m telling you because I want to, not because I owe you or because I have anything to prove so don’t get the wrong idea.

I placed an order on drugstore.com for shampoo and toilet paper except web sites refuse to call it toilet paper which is evidently grody and gauche and so I had to search around the site trying to find it. I ordered 18 rolls of something called “aluminum foil.” Hope it’s the right thing!

THEN my mom called and I stayed on the phone with her for an hour even though I said three times “I don’t want to be on the phone anymore.” I even whined something fierce by the third time. Then I pouted for awhile.

THEN I took a shower and not just any shower but a cold one. And here’s the thing that gets me, I was just talking with someone about the amazing water pressure in my shower so I’m concerned the shower overheard me and got too comfortable. You know? I’m not ready for the shower to have stopped trying.

THEN I shivered for awhile.

THEN I turned blue and dropped dead.

THEN I checked my email.

THEN I drank some black cherry flavored sparkling water which is free of calories, caffeine and sodium but full of heroin, which I dump in by the rock full. By the chunk full? By the resin? By the small bag? I’m sorry, apparently I don’t know as much about heroin as I pretend.

THEN I wrote this blog post.

THEN someone gave me a puppy and I played with it. “How did you know?” I asked. “I just did,” said… the puppy. His name was Sal.

THEN I renamed the puppy because I wouldn’t name a puppy Sal. I mean, give me a break!

THEN I noticed that my fingers were kid of pruney.

THEN the puppy and I fought crime together and saved three porpoises and an orphan.

THEN I did other amazing things that I’m not going to tell you about because frankly, you and I are SO OVER.

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It scares me that I've become this person

By on December 24, 2008 in dogs, meringue experiment

However my sister just gave me a thoughtful New Year’s Eve present to help with the Meringue Experiment 2008. Since all pictures are made cuter with Tobey in the background, I just spent far too long on this prize-winning shot. What prize you ask? First place for photos of decorating bags plus Maltese puppies.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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