Archive | Uncategorized

I tacked up a sign across the street that says, “Reliable adult that loves animals. Will price match.”

Shhhh…. It’s sleeping.

But wait, that’s not all that happened at the store. I also bought unsweetened Coconut Milk

because they were out of unsweetened Almond Milk.

Both of which I buy because no one carries Calorie Countdown

which was my milk of choice. So anyway I’m at the store yesterday asking the guy who works there if they’re out of unsweetened Almond Milk and a woman overhears me and asks why I prefer that specific Almond Milk to another brand. “Oh, it’s that it has fewer calories,” I explain. Then, suddenly realizing that I’m really a vast storehouse of information about faux milk and that it’s my duty to pass along my hard earned wisdom and wow, this woman really couldn’t have stumbled upon a better person to ask, I went on to explain that if you put it in coffee, Blue Diamond won’t chunk up whereas Pacific will. Then I followed her around the store yelling more bits of trivia about milk. I think she appreciated it.

You can find part 2 and more videos here. Add me as a friend or follow me or whatever one does on ustream!

You know, in case you don’t want to spend 50 mins watching the whole show.

Full disclosure: I’m friends with Hugh
Fuller disclosure: I’ve interviewed Tracy Morgan
Even fuller disclosure: I don’t really like blueberries
Fullest disclosure: But strangely I went through a phase where I was drinking blueberry flavored coffee. (It exists!) I’m kind of over it though.

Hi! I’ll post video from the stand up show as soon as I have it and no, I didn’t make any jokes about men who masturbate near salad bars. It was all new material. Also, I will post more Daily Alison videos and live ustream shows soon too. My parents are here and it’s making all scheduling near impossible and I’m turning into a child. I’m surprised I’ve ever done anything adult by myself.

I’m pretty sure I  had other things to say but I forget what they are now. I’ll ask my mom.

Back row (L to R): Ed Condron (AM New York), Robert George (NY Post), Nikki Egan (MSNBC), Noelle Hancock, me, Rob Hoell (WPIX), Comic Strip Live owner (I think)

Front (L to R): Carole Montgomery (festival producer), Lori Harfenist (The Resident), Marianne Schaburg (CNN, Good Housekeeping TV)

Ok so I was having fun posting only the terrible photos of me from last night however it lost its fun pretty quickly. I’m so fickle when it comes to me. Sometimes I’ll have a long conversation with myself and then wait for me to say something and then realize I wasn’t even listening.

Anyway, here’s a photo from last night. Marianne Schaburg (bottom right) won 1st place. Noelle Hancock (to the left of me) won 2nd place. Taryn Winter Brill who isn’t in this photo won 3rd. And I wasn’t competing, I was just performing, as  you well know since I won’t shut up about it.

I look  like I received bad news and then smeared it on the right side of my face.

So lately my left eyelid has been twitching again, which some of you may remember was an affliction I loudly suffered a few months back. Earlier this morning I was in the shower, which is a place I tend to pass time, often without clothes, and for a second I felt like I couldn’t open my left eye. I don’t know if it was because a stream of water was hitting it or if it had become glued shut from makeup I hadn’t properly removed because I’m out of makeup remover and so I’m using glue, or if I imagined the whole thing which is also possible. Regardless, it filled me with fear and then I went on a little worst case scenario trip in my mind. Care to join me? Here is  my worst case scenario interior monologue. Internal monologue? Great, now I’m losing words and phrases. First the lid, now the speech. Motherfucker!

Uh-oh, what if I can’t open my left eye? What if this is the first sign of an inability to open my left eyelid? What if my eyelid starts to droop? What’s if it’s paralyzed? And what if it’s not just my eyelid but the left side of my face? What if I get Bells Palsy? What causes that? It’s a nerve thing but I think in the  lore they associate it with wind hitting your face. Have I been in windy situations lately? Fuck. But it would be just temporary. Those things are only temporary. But still, what if just as good things are happening in my career I suddenly have a drooping face? I would have to be the brave face of drooping faces. I would suggest they shoot me from the right side but still, I would probably have to give interviews about the affliction. This is no good.  I wonder if I could postpone everything until it goes away? But what if it never goes away?

Then I got distracted started thinking about something else.

But I just want to say that we should all take a moment to appreciate our eyelids, the silent sentinels of our eyes.

Ok, I’m done.