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What are the chances the laundry place is systematically “disappearing” my socks, one at a time, in a perverse effort to make me think I’m losing my mind… and also my socks? I don’t mean to point fingers, but I really feel the rate of return on my socks is low. Which begs the question, what are they doing with my socks? Are they tying them together and creating a zip line to get across the street? Are they starching the shit out of them and then using them as crude shovels to tunnel a way out? Are they filling them with potting soil and growing Gerbera? (You may know it as the common daisy, typically grown in stolen socks.) Please send answers. And socks.

UPDATE: I just want to add that I’m aware the whole “are my socks disappearing in the dryer” thing has been done before however I’m suggesting they are getting STOLEN, not just lost, hence my spin on this is obviously new, novel and edgy. Plus, I’m literally missing socks, which means my comedy is rooted in truth. I’m like the Mort Sahl of hosiery.

Alison Rosen Motivational Poster #6

Finding yourself unbearably attracted to me? Allow me to post some photos to cure you of this affliction.

So I suffer from something called Raynaud’s syndrome which is a somewhat common, not very serious circulation condition where when it’s really cold the capillaries in my extremities shut down, allowing me to complain a lot. Also, my fingers and toes go numb and lose color. I should pretty much always wear gloves however sometimes I don’t, which makes my parents yell at me from across the country. But the other day I was wearing gloves and it still happened in one finger, and in a way that was more uncomfortable than usual, prompting me to flop my waxen hand around in an attempt to get the blood to pump back into it, which was in vain, though I imagine I looked pretty cool. When I got home I decided to take a picture of it, in a desperate bid for sympathy and attention. Here’s the underside of my bloodless index finger. (more…)

Watch it if you enjoy laughing and being entertained.

UPDATE: Boinkity has made a response video.

Oh yes, you heard that right! Click on this page and go to the chat room (it’s the chat room that appears on my Ustream page) and chat with fellow me fans ALL THE TIME! I’ll be dropping in and out.

Here’s the link. I also added it under the PAGES on the right side of this site.

You sign in with your Ustream login (you’ll be prompted to register if you haven’t already).

http://alisonrosen.com/chat/

Evidently three giant snowflakes will be falling around 5pm.

The article above is not about earmuffs, it’s about winter strolls. I feel misled, as I could use an earmuff guide right about now. And I realize it sounds as if this whole thing is an extended joke, but it’s not! I truly need earmuffs! You know, muffs for my ears!

Happy Monday! The next live Ustream show is Wednesday at 11pm EST and it will be fantastic if I have any say in the matter, which I do. We might have Skippy and don’t even pretend you don’t know exactly who I’m talking about because really, who are you trying to impress?

In other news, I should be working right now which is very 2009, you know?

Ok  here I go. Back to work.

Oh wait but also I’ll be on Red Eye on Jan 7 JAN 6 which is Thursday night/Friday morning Wednesday night/Thursday morning! So basically this is really your week, me-wise.