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When Adam arrives at the studio to record the podcast he usually walks through the door, ear bud in ear and phone in hand and makes a beeline for either the table (where, if he’s not still on a call he puts his phone) or the coffeemaker. On the way he issues his standard greeting: “What’s goin’ on?” This is delivered while he’s on the move–at a ratio of about two What’s Goin’ Ons per every three people– and it’s a very low maintenance kind of greeting neither requiring nor prohibiting a response.

The problem comes when I am the only person in the general direction of said, “What’s goin’ on?” which for whatever reason I often am, probably because I’m usually loitering somewhere between the table and the coffeemaker. And though I want to respond, to indicate that I am a friendly human being and not some weird frigid mannequin, I just never quite eke out a reply in time. It’s as if this is conversational double dutch jump rope and the rope keeps going by and I just stand there watching and telling myself I’m about to jump in. Or as if I’m trying to mount a conversational escalator and I keep extending and then pulling my foot away at the last minute.

Anyway, here’s what happens: He says WGO at which point I find myself either 1)  pretending I didn’t hear while fixing my face into an awkward constipated looking half smile to indicate I’m fun-loving 2) looking askance and mumbling something which sounds like the beginning of an answer but which quickly morphs into something more like, “Humph! Mlerfff… [trails into indecipherable hissing sound]” or 3) jumping up and licking his face.

I’m tired of being cliche though! And so I ask you: What is the appropriate response to a semi-asked What’s Goin’ On? Mind you, this WGO is not the same as someone looking at you and saying, “Hey, how was your weekend?” which wouldn’t require any sort of assessment of whether they actually want a response. WGO is in between rhetorical and interrogative. It’s less than a, “How was your weekend?” and more than a “‘sup.” And yet to not answer at all makes me feel like I’m in a never-ending game of hide-and-seek and I’m the one hiding and the other person is just counting to infinity.

I mentioned this to a couple people at the studio last week, because that’s the kind of person I am, and Bald Bryan suggested the best answer is, “That is none of your business.” I do like its undeniable sassiness, however I worry it’s HIS answer and if I start using it Adam will know we sidekicks are organizing. (We’re forming Sidekicks Local 453. Don’t fuck with us.)

Matt who works on CarCast suggested the appropriate answer might be, “Stuff,” which is also good.

What’s goin’ on?

Stuff.

I do like it. But I think we can do better. Here are some options and then you tell me what you think I should go with (suggestions welcome)

Possible responses to, “What’s goin’ on?”

1) “What a week!” (downside: can only be used at end of week)

2) “What a weekend!” (downside: can only be used at beginning of week; could be met with a follow up question about the weekend, something probing like, “Really, what did you do?” and then where does that leave me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

3) “What IS goin’ on?” (downside: I don’t see one)

4) “Exactly.” (downside: it really makes no sense)

5) “Hey, how are you?” (downside: extremely friendly and genuine. Blech!)

6) “Same shit, different day.” (downside: depressingly honest)

7) “Easy Pickles.”

Here are a few photos from the recent Sledgehammer Studio Hijack. It was a big fun event and The Dan Band performed and Patrick Warburton was a guest and I tried to conduct the asparagus experiment to no avail. Katie even got in on it. These shots were taken as we were getting ready to record the podcast.

Here I am wearing a coat and looking at something while Adam drinks wine. Note the way the Sledgehammer label is the same color as the couch. Crazy, right? I think it’s unintentional.  Photo by Robert Takata

Here  I am checking something on the iPad like a news story or my lipstick.  Photo by Robert Takata

Here I am at the Grand Canyon with my best gal pals. They wanted to do the Charlie’s Angels pose which I reluctantly agreed to but inside I was all, “This again???????” Later we drove into a cactus. Photo by Robert Takata

The book on the left is one I found at the house where I’m house and dogsitting this week. The one on the right is a gift from Dustin. A funny side note: Last night I tweeted a photo of the fart book with the caption, “A belated Christmas gift from Dustin!” but the photo had Charlie the dog in it and most people assumed I was saying a dog was the gift from Dustin. They also assumed it was a yellow lab and possibly it was Molly (Adam Carolla’s dog) which makes no sense as it’s Charlie, a white pug/shitzu/Japense chin/I’m not sure/mutt rescue/small dog and to which I ask, what would the fart book be doing in the foreground of the photo if that were the case?

Also, I have a lot of other news and thoughts and things which I should probably blog so as to get them out of my head to leave more room for some philosophy ideas from the book on the left and some names of farts from the book on the right. A quick update which has nothing to do with the preceding sentence, I recorded some stuff for E! over the summer which I thought was only airing internationally (like all the porn I’ve done)(I haven’t done any porn) but people have been telling me they’ve seen me on E! to which I usually think, “Thanks but I think you’re thinking of the BIO channel,” but then I checked and the shows are airing. I think one of them, Movie Stars: Then and Now is on tomorrow at ten. I haven’t seen it yet and I may have been terrible.

Also, the fart book has sound effects!

Also, fuck daylight savings.

Pre-winning

I’ve been watching the Charlie Sheen circus this week and even reporting on it, almost nightly, on The Adam Carolla Show. By all accounts Sheen seems crazy as fuck right now but in the back of my mind I began to wonder if this might be an act, or if not an act, a performance… or an exaggeration. There’s something methodical and deliberate about Sheen’s rants and what’s missing, to my way of thinking, is the news that after this or that interview he was caught wandering the streets or yelling into a tin foil ball or ripping his clothes off and pronouncing himself Jesus. For the most part he seems to be showing up on time, talking about winning, tiger blood and Goddesses, and then going on his way, keeping his nose clean, no pun. The  nutjobs I’ve known have been a little messier with their mania.

On Saturday Sheen tweeted that he’d be appearing on Ustream that evening on Brad Wyman’s WYTV network. I know Brad and his producing partner Barry Schuler (former CEO/Chairman of AOL and very early fan of my Ustream show for which I’m forever thankful) and I hosted a live stream of the premiere party they held for their series LOOK.

I emailed Barry, initially just out of curiosity (“Do you really have Sheen on Ustream tonight? WTF is up with him???”) and proceeded to interview both Barry and Brad, separately, in what I’m told is the first interview they’ve granted a reporter about their involvement with Sheen.

I broke /shared some of the story on The Adam Carolla Show tonight. Here are some of the things Wyman and Schuler told me:

They say Sheen isn’t crazy: “He’s an entertainer. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”

I asked what the endgame is. They said in the beginning Sheen’s goal was to get his show back but it’s turned into something bigger. They helped introduce Sheen to twitter and encouraged him to take control of his “brand.”

Wyman, who’s known Sheen since they were teenagers says he said to Sheen, “I’m not in the business of exploiting Charlie Sheen.” Sheen’s response? “I am.”

Wyman said he received a 3 million dollar offer to develop a Tiger Blood product and this is just one of the many offers rolling in.

I asked Wyman about the twitter exchange he’d had with Chad Lowe, who encouraged Wyman to get Sheen help. Wyman said Lowe is a “worry wart” but admitted he’d also probably be worried if he’d only seen Sheen in interviews and not been in close contact with him for the last many months. He says anyone close to Sheen who’s concerned should just pick up the phone and call Sheen and see for themselves that he’s fine.

Sheen intends to continue doing Ustream shows but will likely dispense with the talk show format of the first outing. (Bad news for Simon Rex and his fart sounds.)

More details on the episode of The Adam Carolla Show that’ll be up on iTunes tomorrow. For the record, both Dr. Bruce, who was on the show tonight and Adam are still of mind that Sheen’s lost his.