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We’re newsworthy! I knew it!

Last night I had to take cough syrup and was reminded of the last time I took cough syrup.

Every now and again I have conversations with people who have refined taste in movies and I like to try to turn them on to some of my favorites which include Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas and Lady and the Tramp and other stuff that is very independent and artful and which you need an advanced cinema degree to understand. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you can just watch the movies and appreciate the mood and probably some of the more easily understood plot elements but to fully grasp the enormity of the work you’re going to need a few diplomas.

So I was talking up Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas and then I went to look for the DVD and lo and behold I can find the case but not the DVD itself. Same thing with Lady and the Tramp. Have I been ripped off by a six year old? What the hell?

And then I was sitting here thinking about other movies I should be embarrassed to admit I like (but I’m NOT) and these include Touched By Love and Sooner or Later. I like crap. Go ahead and judge.

Speaking of crap, Bald Bryan has a playlist on his ipod called “Tool Tunes” which is all the songs he’s embarrassed to own and it’s pretty aptly named. I’m surprised there weren’t any Hilary Duff songs on there. (I’m not sure there weren’t.) Anyway, that only tangentially relates.

Stay tuned for a gigantic blog post featuring pictures and detailing my adventures yesterday in San Diego.

Okay then.

So my parents were given this ladder thingie as a wedding gift and my sister and I grew up fearful of putting our entire weight on it but using it anyway and now that my sister is newly betrothed she has informed me that she would like one of these of her own. Anyone have any leads on sappy ladders? Granted I’ve done zero googling so for all I know they’re a thing and there are stores devoted to matrimonial ladders and divorce foot stools and annulment rappeling gear and trial separation escalators and save the date hydraulic lifts.

I updated the upcoming appearances page on this here web site. I am truly getting shit done today!

Also I’m writing something vaguely funny-ish which I was going to post here but then I realized it would work as an installment of my McSweeney’s column so I’m going to send it to them when I finish it. But I’m telling YOU about it so you can begin to carve out the many minutes it will take to read and enjoy it. Like, at least ten.

Also I turned down a job for which I would have had to fly across the country and miss an episode or two of the podcast. But it would have been some money. But I still didn’t feel right about missing work. I hope I made the right decision. I did, right? In my gut this decision felt right. This is me talking out loud.

This is me typing.

THIS IS ME TYPING IN ALL CAPS.

Ok, bye.

And flags, I should have said…

Hey everyone! I love your hat. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello since it’s been so long since we’ve all hung out together and by that I mean it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything. Part of it is that I spent the weekend in a valley that time and pesticide forgot for my sister’s wedding. Here is a photo of my mom and me coated in makeup.

By the way, if you want to hear some hilarious jokes made by my family members, wear a wreath of flowers on your head for a wedding. My brother said I looked like Amy Winehouse (because there was a pouf of hair in the back which you can’t see in the photo) and my dad asked when I was being crucified which I didn’t even get at the time until I realized he was suggesting it was a crown of thorns. I’m pretty sure there were other unfunny jokes as well.

I thought of vlogging during the wedding but couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like it wouldn’t be a fair use of my time and what if I missed another HILARIOUS floral wreath comment? You can see the quandary.

Also, I made a speech and everyone cried and also I cried and then people kept coming up to me after and saying “YOUR SPEECH….” and then they’d trail off. I would fill in the comment with “was amazing” or “was something I would like a copy of” or “should win an award for Best Speech Given By An Older Sister at a Wedding” (a “nupty”)  however I told my friend Trevor all this and he said maybe they weren’t finishing the thought because I’d traumatized them with my poignant prose. Actually, he didn’t even say the last part. He just said I’d traumatized them. I think it was a compliment.

Here’s Trevor and my sister and me after I made everyone cry.

But also part of the reason I didn’t vlog or blog was because my web site was down which surely you are aware of because you tried to go to it and when you discovered it was down you felt a despair unlike anything you’d felt before but probably not dissimilar to how people felt upon hearing my speech.

Another photo? If you insist.

Here I am wearing a coat because it was freezing:

And here’s a photo of the wedding. I was in charge of dealing with the train of the dress which is kind of a big deal but I didn’t let it go to my head. Also, I fear I didn’t do a great job because while the vows were happening I really wanted to get up and fix my previous shoddy train placement but I didn’t. And then when my sister was about to walk back down the aisle after the ceremony and after I gave her the bouquet (I was also on bouquet duty. Don’t be intimidated.) then I realized she was standing on the dress so I tried to pull it out from under her feet but she wasn’t budging so I did what I had to do, whacked her in the shins until she lifted her feet. I’m pretty sure it’s what Pippa Middleton would have done as well.

The end.

First of all I want to say that I wrote a long blog post, I mean it was looooooooong, about my various feelings about this and that but mostly about my  recent decision to no longer read stuff about myself on the internet because it’s just getting inside my head and doing a fucked up kind of dance. What kind of fucked up dance, you are wondering? It’s sort of a cross between the sprinkler and the running man but with less rhythm and more self doubt. Also I suppose there might have been some anger in the blog post. But then I decided not to post it because feelings are so grody!

Anyway, care to see some photos of me with my famous celebrity boyfriends? (note: no actual boyfriends in these photos)

Here I am with my boyfriend Jon Lovitz. We broke up right after the photo was taken.

Here I am with my boyfriends Doug Benson and Bill Burr and also my hairtenna. You can see from the expression on their faces that things were already tense.

Here I am with my boyfriends Bald Bryan, Doug Benson and Bill Burr. This is when we’d already broken up but were pretending to be together for the children. I was opposed to it. “My heart is not an actor!” I announced, while doing yoga. “You go ahead and cheapen yourself with this performance,” I spat, “It wouldn’t be the first time!” My words dripped with sarcasm and beef jerky (I was hungry). Then they offered me a large sum of money to go along with it so I said okay.

Some things to click? Okay!

Watch the Ustream video of The Adam Carolla live podcast taping at Lovitz Comedy Club (Lovitz was the guest)

And listen to the Adam Carolla Podcast!

And listen to Bald Bryan, Bill Burr and me on the 4/15 episode of Doug Benson‘s Doug Loves Movies podcast

We recently got into a bit of a disagreement on the podcast because I said peanuts in a nut mix were the equivalent of peaches in a fruit cocktail. Both Adam and Bryan corrected me and said I meant pears. I said I thought pears and peaches were kind of neck-and-neck. This didn’t go over well.

Evidently everyone knows pears are total bullshit.

Well the sun may have set on that particular episode but the debate has moved over to twitter.