Daniel is back and he gets first billing in this title! This week we talk about nearly caving, the need to be social, Mother’s Day and Alison’s Birthday, Elliot’s card, Daniel’s rule about New York, three adjectives to describe Alison and so much more. We also take your calls, including one about remembering Becki McClure, and do Deleted Tweets.
Jackie Johnson has some news to share and share she does! Alie Ward is back and she’s been whittling and talking to virologists. Also we talk about thongs, skin treatments, dog teeth and so much more!
Daniel joins me this week for an episode where we recount a scary incident involving Elliot hitting his head. We also talk about my changing opinion of water, feeling your feelings, Daniel’s quarantine inventions and so much more. Plus your calls!
Alie Ward is here and had some special treatment performed on her back that’s left it looking like raw meat. Jackie Johnson, who just did a home audition as a gator lady for which her breasts have never looked better, might barf and I am right there with her. Also we talk about Taylor Swift (polarized opinions!), Patreon, being women in the public eye, tooth whiteness, Jackie’s chest, the Playboy Mansion, dog etiquette, extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation and so much more.
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Alie Ward is here but only because we aren’t serving any raw tomatoes. Jackie Johnson is here too, along with her diplomas, to tell us about her adventures in the kitchen (chickpeas of the sea!) and discuss the ethics of creating her own Chooch clones. I have some sad news to share about the passing of a beloved listener but also I need to debate Swiss cheese and whether it deserves a seat my table. Plus Alie’s whittling accident, an update on Jackie’s exclusive scoop from last week and Tony’s bananas. This episode is not as much about food as this description makes it seem! Also some Gal Chat!
One of the first things my therapist suggested to me when we had our first Facetime session was to make a schedule down to the hour. She said she was recommending this lockdown work from home strategy to all her clients. I both saw the benefit of the suggestion and also knew I wasn’t going to do it. I’m not an hour by hour schedule kinda person.
Weeks later I finally made a very barebones schedule and I’m surprised at how much better I felt when I did it. Here’s what it looks like and it’s basically the same for each day. It just has basic kid stuff on it (Elliot breakfast, Owen breakfast, Owen nap) but it’s nice to have it written out and not have to worry about holding it all in my head each day. And it also makes the day feel slightly more routine which I like.
Uh oh I think something weird is happening with formatting. Is it? We shall see.
Also I’ve finally succumbed to the urge to bake. Actually that makes it sound like I’ve had the urge and I’ve been fighting it and that isn’t true. I just mean it seems like everyone is baking and now I am too.
Yesterday we made the bread and I so quickly lost sight of the fact that it was supposed to be a project to pass time with a three year old and instead worried about the mess and that he wasn’t kneading correctly.
When he left to go play with his toys I was slightly relieved as I could finally do the bread PROPERLY. Am I proud of this? Am I proud of my bread perfectionism? I am not. By the way I’m not even eating carbohydrates right now so it’s all extra silly. (Daniel and Elliot loved the bread though which made me feel good.)
Daniel assured me Elliot still had fun, and I think he did. I just didn’t feel like I excelled at this particular mom challenge.
I was a lot more patient today when we made Fiber One muffins (recipe on the back of the box). I have a kid who LOVES and requests Fiber One cereal. He also loves prunes. He will make a great old person.
I’m writing this while one kid has a dirty diaper that needs to be changed (“No, I tell YOU,” he has said when I’ve suggested changing it. HE IS THE ONE WHO TELLS!) and another who has woken up from a nap and is playing by himself in his crib but still, I should get him. And it would be easy to say this—these kids, this life taking care of these kids—is why I haven’t written or been writing. I don’t think that’s right though. Frankly I am surprised at the dull mute potato that barely thrums between my ears where my brain used to be.
It feels like a cruelly surreal version of my least favorite month which is August. Long before I had actual reasons to despite it (a couple deaths of humans and dogs close to me), I already loathed it because it’s brutally hot. When I think of August I think of cassette tapes melting in the back of a car—specifically Aerosmith’s Greatest Hits and specifically the top back part of the backseat which really, why did I put my tapes there? Anyway, August reminds me both of destruction and of stasis. A tape just sitting there melting because of the heat. That particular mindset, of a slow destruction that sets in while you hold still is similar to what I am feeling during lockdown. It’s, for me, the antithesis of whatever the urge to write is. The urge to write is dynamic and cold and crisp and active. Lockdown is hot and still and scary.
Anyway, what’s happening right now is historical and I think we always imagine ourselves in the midst of poignant historical dramatic moments and wonder what we’d do. I would have thought I’d do more. At the very least I would want to communicate about it, to record it, to add my voice to it. Turns out that’s a fictional version of me. One that is glamorous and thoughtful and vibrant. This dull mute me just wants to get through the day. However I am forcing myself to push through and try to write. At the very least (and also the very most I think) I will try to write daily here. Will I make a new tab to indicate these quarantine posts? I am getting ahead of myself! Anyway, I think I’ll wait until a few build up before announcing that I’m writing these because I know myself well and I am good at starting projects that I don’t finish.
We have an exclusive from Jackie Johnson! She managed to get tested and tells all. Meanwhile Kevin teaches us how to do remote backgrounds, we talk about how often each of us is crying and how long we think this will last, Alison throws shade at some podcasters, Tony talks about choosing to keep his apartment post-divorce and so much more.
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I’ve decided to spend some of this lockdown time catching up with the cast of character who were regulars on the show when it was a live streaming internet show that I did from my apartment in Brooklyn in 2010. First up is Alfred Schulz who used to do a segment called Things You Never Hear People Say which he reprises here. I also chat with him about where life has taken him in these ten years, fatherhood, how to make good radio (he’s a producer and host), his brother Bill Schulz and so much more.
Wendy Molyneux and Dave Huntsberger are joining from their respective abodes to gently disagree about shoes and capes. Plus the stages of grief and my anger and so much more including a round of Just Me Or Everyone and iTunes Comments of the Week. Plus a lil Easter egg at the end.
